- Having an abandonment wound
is much more common than you think.
An abandonment wound is when as a kid,
we felt like in some way we are either physically,
emotionally, or some form of abandonment happened
where we felt like either our feelings didn't matter,
a parent physically left or became emotionally unavailable
and as a result of this, we wired in a level of ourselves
that thought that there's some level of shame
that we are broken in some way,
that our feelings don't matter,
and what we'll find is that there's many
side effects or symptoms
that come from the abandonment wound.
Some of them would include like over sensitivity
to feedback or criticism, overreacting to conflict,
extremist tendencies,
maybe ghosting at the first sight of conflict,
jealousy, self-doubt, insecurity,
stayed in abusive relationships,
people pleasers are also a common side effect
of the abandonment wound when we feel like we have
to change ourselves in order to gain the validation
or approval of someone else.
In a way the abandonment wound is
and the side effects of the abandonment wound
is that we will do anything we can
to gain the approval and the validation of other people,
and it's because we're not drawing that validation
from self, because as a kid, we weren't given that,
or we weren't taught that.
So this video, I just wanted to show you
what really helped me to heal my own abandonment wound
because I think that like, when you do it,
it changes your whole life.
When you heal your abandonment wound,
it will change your whole entire life,
how you relate to other people, your love dynamics,
what will you will allow and not allow.
Like if you heal your abandonment wound,
you won't allow people to take advantage of you.
You won't allow people to,
you won't entertain being around people
that are maybe using you for their own purpose
or their own energy, you start to become
aware of these things.
And this is like a little representation,
I think makes it easier to understand.
Now, as a kid, what happened?
What happened is we,
imagine this is us and that this is our parent.
Now it could have been a parent,
it could have been a family member,
it could have been a family member of the family
or a friend of the family.
It could have been many different things.
But what happened is there was something that happened,
you could say, this is the meaning.
Now remember, everything in life has no built-in meaning
other than the meaning we give it.
Now, yes, we can all come together
and agree that abuse as a child isn't a good thing,
but, the important part to remember
is that the meaning we get out of it,
the meaning we assign to it is what we get out of it.
Now, as kids, what happens is we think
the world revolves around us.
It's part of being a kid even into later in life
and some people still have that complex today,
but let's say something happened.
Now, this is actually a neutral thing,
even though we may, a lot of us may agree
that a divorce, isn't a good thing,
it's actually a neutral thing.
So divorce happened and many times the meaning
we will give it is something to do with shame.
So it's, I'm broken.
It could be divorce happened,
"I caused the divorce."
My parents didn't love me enough to stay together.
My parents divorced when I was five.
I don't even remember the meaning exactly that I gave it.
But I remember feeling very alone,
starting to feel in a way,
now I have to choose between my parents
and then what happens as well
as there could be another aspect of this.
It could be that one of your parents or both of your parents
was emotionally unavailable.
I know that when I was a kid,
there were things happening in my parents' life
to where they had their attention preoccupied on that.
So I, in many ways felt emotionally available
at different parts of my childhood,
especially having the abuse of my ex step-mom in my life
from seven to 15 years old.
So from that happening, I felt abandoned.
I also felt abandoned because when my ex step-mom
was in the picture from seven to 15
and she was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive,
it was something that in a certain way,
I felt abandoned from my own dad protecting us,
my brother and I.
So that was something that I had to heal as well.
And I had to become aware that what I thought
was that there were some level of shame that said,
my feelings don't matter.
Maybe my brother and I aren't worth it to be protected
that having an emotionally unavailable parent,
if I could have been different,
maybe they would have been,
if I could have fixed them or something,
then maybe they would have loved me.
And what I didn't realize I was doing
in my romantic relationships
as I was attracting a woman
that were also emotionally unavailable
because my hope was that if I could fix them,
I could then gain their love and approval.
And what I was doing is replaying the childhood dynamic
so that I could eventually heal my partner,
so they could love me,
was me trying to like heal my mom
so that my mom could love me.
So I was attracting people
that had that similar energy dynamic.
And what I had to do, this is the game changer for healing
the abandonment wound.
It's realizing that this shame that you feel,
this thing that happened this meaning
had nothing to do with you.
It had nothing to do with you.
Your parents divorce was not your fault.
Your, if one of your parents abandoned you,
it's not your fault.
It had nothing to do with you.
It was their own stuff that was happening.
You can release the shame.
The shame comes from the identity.
It says I'm broken, or something wrong with you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It's not your fault.
Anything that happened when you were a kid,
the emotional availability of my parents
was not my fault.
My parents divorcing was not my fault.
Even if you have someone in your life
that maybe broke up with you,
that maybe it's you ended a relationship
or they ended relationship with you.
It's not your fault it didn't work out.
It just didn't work out.
We don't have to internalize these things with shame.
So one of the biggest keys to this is realizing
it's not your fault, you can then start letting go.
When I started realizing
that I was attracting similar energy dynamics
that played on this abandonment wound
of me trying to fix so that I can then heal them,
and then I could get value out of that.
And that I could, I had to get them to love me
the way I wanted,
when I became aware of that,
it became so freeing because I realized
I don't have to do this.
It's not my fault.
I'm worthy for just being me.
You are worthy for just being you.
The meaning that you used to give
to these childhood circumstances,
you can reframe those, reframe them.
Your parents divorced because maybe
they didn't get along as well as they used to,
and it would have been healthier for them
to not be in the same house versus being,
and having that toxic energy in the same house as you.
That could be one way of reframing it.
Your parents were emotionally unavailable.
They had a lot of stuff going on in their life.
They were doing the best they could.
I find that too, this stuff trickles down
in the ancestral lines.
So the emotional abandonment that happened in my life
also happened in my parents' life when they were kids.
So it's just a pattern that's been passed out.
But the key to this is knowing it's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
And when you start realizing it's not your fault,
you start taking your power back.
You start realizing that this isn't about shame.
There's nothing wrong with you.
They didn't abandon you because you weren't good enough.
They didn't abandon you 'cause they didn't love you
or they didn't like you.
They abandoned you 'cause they had their own shit going on.
It's on them.
That's their shit not yours.
It's not your fault.
Now the other thing of this is what I realized
a lot of times happened with the abandonment wound
is if you've ever felt like you've had to
overexplain yourself to other people
or get their validation,
or you agree to do things you don't necessarily wanna do.
Many times what we do is we abandoned the self.
We abandoned the self as a form of abandonment.
So the key to healing the abandonment wound
is to stop abandoning the self,
to start doing what you wanna do,
to start listening to the self,
being at present inside of your own body.
A lot of times the abandonment wound too
it causes us to leave the bottom three shoppers of our body
and to go into the intuitive part of ourselves
that we can connect to everybody else
because as a survival mechanism,
we've had attuned to everyone else
to see if we're making everyone else happy
and getting their validation.
When you start doing a meditation
where you put the awareness into your body,
it changes everything.
And that's why it's something I call the frame technique.
The frame technique is something
I learned from my shadow work integration coach.
And it's been completely transformative
for me coming more into my body,
me integrating these different aspects
and releasing the abandonment wound.
And if you haven't checked that out yet, by the way,
you can download the app called HighViber,
H-I-G-H-V-I-B-E-R.
It's free on Android or Apple and the Apple store.
It's an app that you can download
and connect to your High Vibe tribe.
Plus there's meditations in there.
There's live activations we do,
live meditations we do,
but they're specifically going to be a workshop in there
on the frame technique, completely free.
It was a workshop that we did a month or two,
a couple of months ago, and it was really powerful.
And there's also gonna be a meditation in there
for the frame technique meditation.
So you can download HighViber
or click the link below and go to highviber.com.
But in general, stop abandoning the self
and start becoming aware of your own frame,
your own values, go into your own body,
being in your own body and in your own frame
is the same thing.
Realize it's not your fault.
If you, if this was a game changer for you,
it's not your fault.
Can you like this video and comment down
and say, it's not your fault.
Let everyone know it's not their fault either. (chuckles)
And you can reframe the meaning and realize
and you just stop abandoning yourself.
You could realize that what happened as a kid
you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you.
It was just something that happened.
And as you become aware of that, you become more free.
So would that be and said.
I hope you enjoyed this video
and as always peace, love and namaste.