(audience applauding)
Wow Gilbert, that is a great costume.
Why do you like my costume?
I'm supposed to be Dick Cavett,
these pseudo intellectual talk show hosts, I can't stand it.
You know, I'm always getting these intellectuals guest on
and it like no one who they are.
Excuse me, I gotta interview Groucho,
this mask stuff doesn't match the mouth,
the mouth doesn't move.
It's a cheap outfit,
I bought it for $2.
It was in a bin with Tom Snyder outfits.
I just looked and the head's falling off,
the mouth doesn't move.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna have to get out of this outfit, I'm sweating.
(audience cheering)
Could you please,
could you please stop it.
Would you just stop.
Just stop it.
Every one of you.
Hey.
Oh boy, I got this cheap.
(audience laughing)
You know you ask for a Carson or a even a Merv Griffin,
they charge you Dick Cavett one,
you know two blocks, go ahead have one.
(audience laughing)
You wanna take a Mike Douglas with that, okay, it's fine.
It's fine, anything you want?
I got a Joey Bishop in the back.
(audience laughing)
You might have to fix it a little, but it's fine, it works.
(audience laughing)
It works, it's still good.
We have the old skinny Regis Philbin.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
But you know those,
there's not as big a call to them anymore.
It's very nice.
It's made of a great material.
Yes, it's a very good material.
And you know, I'll tell you something,
you should have actually spoken about this,
before I have sex with anyone, put one of these on.
(audience laughing)
I know a lot of you think,
you know you want it to be spontaneous,
you know, it'll take the thrill outta sex,
but you gotta put one of these on.
And it's even more exciting
'cause someone'll say, ooh, I'm having sex with Dick Cavett.
(audience laughing)
Oh, this is so exciting.
Maybe he'll twist my name around
and say what it actually spells.
Ooh, he's such an intellectual.
(audience laughing)
Like, and then, you know,
you could put on a Groucho Marx mask and talk to him.
(audience laughing)
That's like back when Groucho Marx was like near death
and Cavett would bring him out
and he'd stink
and Groucho would be there like that.
And he'd go, I remember when.
(audience laughing)
We weren't just the Paramount Theater.
(audience laughing)
Bail Gilbert, bail, quickly.
I remember.
Oh, tell us more Groucho.
(audience laughing)
I remember working with Margaret Newman.
(audience laughing)
Oh, that's a very funny story Groucho.
Tell us about the time you met Buster Keaton.
(audience laughing)
He was a wonderful man.
Oh, how amusing.
So Gilbert.
Yes. Tell us.
(audience cheering)
Please stop, please.
Gilbert Gottfried.
Please, please stop.
I don't have that much time.
I really don't have that much time.
So Gilbert, you want to talk about this Aladdin thing?
Oh God, you're not David Letterman.
(audience laughing)
What, this is horrible.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so, I gotta talk to my driver.
(audience laughing)
I told him to take me to Rockefeller Center,
look oh!
Look, go on with your little game here, oh this is really.
Please. I'm really sorry
this happened. Please,
I need you Gilbert.
Yes.
I need you so badly.
Yes.
Yes, bring the little--
Could you please say that to me?
(audience cheering)
Just once, can you breathe heavy and go,
oh Gilbert, I need you.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
The whole Aladdin thing, Gilbert, now go.
That was a cartoon, it was Disney.
Yeah, wow, look what I'm talking to.
Talk to me. Yes, okay,
yes. Hello.
I was in Aladin, now it's coming out on videotape.
You happy about that?
Yeah, oh, I'm so thrilled.
It's so exciting.
And I'll tell you it has everything
that wasn't in the movie,
full frontal nudity.
(audience laughing)
It's full frontal nudity and hardcore sex.
(audience laughing)
It's the filthiest Disney has ever gotten.
(audience cheering)
It's absolute dirt.
It's a dirty, dirty film.
Why didn't you tell me you switched cameras?
(audience laughing)
Whatever you'd like to do Gilbert.
Yes.
Whatever you'd like.
Now, how did you have to prepare for that role, Gilbert?
Would you please let me talk for a minute.
Yeah, I will.
(audience laughing)
I'll just sit and you relax.
What the hell's the matter with you?
I'm a guest here.
I'm sorry, go ahead.
Let me talk.
I'm a guest, let me talk.
You still have a chance to say something.
(audience laughing)
Wait a second, are we to that already?
Give me that.
Hey Gilbert, you do it, all right.
Give me that.
Look, I wanna show you how smart this guy is.
(audience laughing)
They have to write out
more Gilbert Gottfried when we come back.
(audience laughing)
That has to be written out for him.