YOU KNOW, OVER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY
LOTTO TICKET.
AND, AGAIN, FOR THOSE JUST JOINING US, I'M GOING TO WIN.
ANYBODY WANT TO SEE THE WINNING NUMBERS?
RIGHT THERE.
KA-POW!
THERE IT IS!
NOW, ALARMINGLY, THERE SEEMS TO BE ONE THING STANDING IN MY WAY:
OTHER PEOPLE BUYING TICKETS.
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
AND SOME OF THEM AREN'T EVEN AMERICANS.
>> EXCITEMENT IS GROWING INTERNATIONALLY.
THOUSANDS OF CANADIANS ARE POURING INTO THE U.S. TO TRY
THEIR LUCK.
>> THE CANADIANS, THEY'RE COMING LIKE CRAZY HERE FOR THE LOTTO.
>> I'M GONNA TAKE MY CHANCES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
WE COME HERE AND DROP A LOT OF MONEY ON A REGULAR BASIS.
WE SHOP IN THE U.S. A LOT, SO WE GIVE TO YOU.
IT'S TIME TO GIVE BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO ONE DISPUTES THAT
CANADA GIVES US A LOT, FROM THEIR DELICIOUS SYRUP TO THEIR
FINEST GOSLINGS.
BUT YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE HERE, CANADIAN WOMAN, BECAUSE I
PROMISE YOU, IF ONE OF YOU MOOSE-MUNCHING ICE-HOLES WINS
AMERICA'S BILLION-DOLLAR POWERBALL, DONALD TRUMP WILL BE
ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL VOTE FOR HIM!
I WILL VOTE FOR HIM!
BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BUILD A WALL BETWEEN THE U.S. AND CANADA
AND MAKE THE POWERBALL WINNER PAY FOR IT!
SO AN AMERICAN HAS GOT TO WIN THIS THING, AND PEOPLE ARE
DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR ADVICE FROM THE EXPERTS, LIKE
SEVEN-TIME LOTTO WINNER RICHARD LUSTIG, A MAN WHO STRUCK
IT SO BIG IN THE LOTTO, HE CAN FULFILL HIS LIFELONG DREAM OF
CONTINUING TO PLAY THE LOTTO.
>> THE QUESTION THEY ASK IS, "WHAT CAN I DO?
WHAT CAN I DO TO GIVE MYSELF A BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING?"
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S THE QUESTION I'M ASKING!
>> THIS IS GOING TO SOUND BAD, BUT THIS IS THE ONLY ANSWER--
BUY AS MANY TICKETS AS YOU CAN AFFORD.
>> Stephen: "BUY AS MANY AS YOU CAN AFFORD."
OKAY, GOT IT.
SOUND ADVICE.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO BUDGET FOR
THE ESSENTIALS-- FOOD, RENT, SCRATCHERS, THE PONIES, CAMEL
STRAIGHTS.
NOW, SOME MIGHT SAY THERE'S NO WAY TO GAME A COMPLETELY RANDOM
SYSTEM AND THAT YOU'RE FAR BETTER OFF SAVING OR INVESTING
YOUR MONEY.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE CALLED SUCKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE TAKING THEMSELVES OUT OF
THE GAME, AND LEAVING ALL THEIR DAUGHTERS' LUCKY BIRTHDAYS FOR
YOU TO PLAY.
SO WHILE I'M GOING TO CLEARLY WIN THIS ONE, HERE ARE SOME
"LATE SHOW" POWERBALL TIPS.
AND KEEP IN MIND THAT THE TIP IS THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF THE
POWERBALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: DON'T ENCOURAGE
ME?
OKAY, "LATE SHOW'S"" POWERBALL TIP NUMBER ONE-- PICK ONLY
WINNING NUMBERS, BE IT 8, 11, 39-- YOUR CHOICE, BUT PICK THE
ONES THAT WIN.
TIP NUMBER TWO: KNOW WHAT NUMBERS ARE.
A LOT OF FOLKS LOSE BEFORE THEY EVEN PLAY BECAUSE THEY PICK AN
AMPERSAND OR THE EMOJI FOR EGGPLANT.
THOSE ARE NOT NUMBERS.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
TIP NUMBER THREE: IF IT'S SMART TO BUY AS MANY TICKETS AS YOU
CAN AFFORD, THINK HOW SMARTER IT IS TO BUY MORE THAN YOU CAN
AFFORD.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE MONEY, YOU ASK?
THE GUY IN THE FUTURE.
THAT GUY'S LOADED BECAUSE HE JUST WON THE LOTTERY WITH TIPS
ONE THROUGH TWO.
NEXT, TIP NUMBER FOUR: IF YOU WANT TO BE A LOTTERY
WINNER, START ACTING LIKE A LOTTERY WINNER.
BUY ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS MATCHING JEEPS.
PICK UP AN EXPENSIVE PILL ADDICTION.
START SCREAMING AT YOUR LOVED ONES, "I'M NOT A DAMN BANK!"
THEN WAKE UP IN A RADISSON BATHROOM UNDER A PILE OF NAKED
STRANGERS, EMPTY THE MINI BAR INTO YOUR POCKETS, AND SLINK
BACK TO YOUR JOB AT THE VERIZON STORE.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THAT PAYCHECK TO BUY MORE LOTTO
TICKETS.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP OF ALL:
HAVE THIS LOTTERY TICKET BECAUSE THAT POWERBALL IS ALL
MINE!
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE RADISSON!