WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY-- I FEEL THE SAME WAY-- HAPPY FRIDAY,
EVERYBODY.
AND JUST--
THAT'S A GOOD FEELING.
>> Jon: GREAT!
>> Stephen: AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, HAPPY DONALD
TRUMP'S BIRTHDAY.
( BOOING ) YES, HAPPY BOOOO-RTH DAY.
TODAY THE PRESIDENT IS 73 YEARS OLD.
BUT HE'S GOT THE BODY OF A MUCH YOUNGER MAN...
WHO HAS BEEN FISHED OUT OF A RIVER.
( LAUGHTER )
GREAT BIRTHDAY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP, BECAUSE JUNE 14 IS ALSO
FLAG DAY.
I THINK KNOW SOMEONE WHO'S GETTING
BIRTHDAY SEX!
IT'S GETTING SERIOUS.
♪ TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT MY FOLKS ARE OUT OF TOWN ♪
THIS WEEK ALSO MARKED THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF TRUMP'S
SINGAPORE SUMMIT WITH NORTH KOREAN MADMAN KIM JONG-UN.
WOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY BEEN A WHOLE YEAR SINCE NOTHING
HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER )
IS GOING STRONG DESPITE REPORTS THAT KIM KILLED ALL OF THE TOP
NEGOTIATORS FROM THEIR SECOND SUMMIT AND REPORTEDLY KILLED ONE
OF HIS GENERALS BY THROWING HIM IN A PIRANHA-FILLED FISH TANK.
WELL, IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "GIVE A MAN A FISH, HE'LL EAT
FOR A DAY.
FEED A MAN TO FISH, AND TRUMP WILL STILL SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT
YOU."
WE ALSO LEARNED THAT KIM'S HALF- BROTHER, WHO KIM HAD MURDERED,
TURNS OUT WAS A CIA SOURCE.
I WONDER HOW KIM FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT.
(AS TRUMP) "GREAT TO SEE YOU, KIM.
SAY HI TO YOUR HALF-BROTHER FOR ME.
MAN, THAT GUY SURE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT YOUR SECRET NUCLEAR
PROGRAM."
AND HE IS A CHATTY KATHY.
JABBER JAW, WON'T SHUT UP."
( APPLAUSE )
THAT."
AND A REPORTER ASKED THE PRESDIENT ABOUT KIM'S INFORMANT
BROTHER.
>> I SAW THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE CIA WITH RESPECT TO HIS
BROTHER, OR HALF-BROTHER, AND I WOULD TELL HIM THAT WOULD NOT
HAPPEN UNDER MY-- UNDER MY AUSPICES.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
I WOULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN UNDER MY AUSPICES.
(AS TRUMP) >> Stephen: "ALL I'M SAYING IS
MY 'WORD OF THE DAY' CALENDAR, WAS AUSPICES.
TOMORROW-- THAT'S TODAY.
I WOULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN UNDER MY AL AUSPICES.
TOMORROW I WOULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN UNDER MY...
GREGARIOUS."
HE'S SAYING THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO SPY ON NORTH KOREA.
AND A REPORTER ASKED HIM ABOUT THAT.
>> YOU SEEMED TO SUGGEST YESTERDAY THAT YOU ARE
ESSENTIALLY COMMITTING TO NOT SPYING ON NORTH KOREA.
IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT?
WERE THOSE COMMENTS INTERPRETED ACCURATELY?
>> NO, IT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
IT'S WHAT I SAID, AND IT'S I THINK IT'S DIFFERENT THAN
MAYBE YOUR INTERPRETATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU HEARD BUT NOT WHAT I THOUGHT.
BUT IT IS WHAT I SAID, BUT NOT WHAT I MEANT. "
( LAUGHTER )
EXPLAINING WHY HE LIKES KIM.
>> I JUST RECEIVED A BEAUTIFUL LETTER FROM KIM JONG-UN
IT WAS A VERY PERSONAL, VERY WARM, VERY NICE LETTER.
I APPRECIATE IT.
HE JUST WROTE ME A NICE LETTER.
UNEXPECTED.
AS I SAID YESTERDAY, VERY NICE LETTER.
BUT IT WAS A VERY NICE LETTER, A VERY WARM, VERY NICE LETTER.
(AS TRUMP) >> Stephen: "YES, HE'S A
COLD-BLOODED MADMAN, BUT HE'S ALSO A GOOD GUY.
A MURDERER, BUT HE'S KILLING ME WITH KINDNESS.
REALLY KNOWS HOW TO EXECUTE A WARM LETTER.
HE'S A STRAIGHT SHOOTER IN THE HEAD, A GUY YOU REALLY WANT
TO HANG WITH, TRULY MY FAVORITE YOUTH IN ASIA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT TURNS OUT-- WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT, ARE PUNS ILLEGAL NOW.
>> Jon: THAT IS A PUN.
>> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT, ACCORDING TO AN
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL, THE LETTER KIM SENT TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DENUCLEARIZATION.
IT'S A BIRTHDAY GREETING.
THAT'S ALL IT TAKES TO WIN TRUMP OVER.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT KEY MOMENT IN WORLD WAR II:
>> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES.
WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE LANDING GROUNDS.
WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER-- WAIT, HITLER SENT ME A BIRTHDAY CARD!
AND THERE'S A DOLLAR IN HERE!
WE SURRENDER!
GOOD GUY!" >> Stephen: SO-- YEAH, YEAH.
>>SO, KIM, YOU'RE GOOD TESTING DARN IT.
>> Jon: $1.
>> Stephen: ONE LETTER, ONE LETTER.