Hi. I'm Bruce Muzik... and welcome to the third video in the series about how
to navigate through the treacherous stage of your relationship
called "The Power Struggle" stage.
And if you haven't been watching the previous videos
the Power Struggle stage happens right after
the romance begins to fade away.
Usually ends up with one or both partners fighting for power inside the relationship.
In this video series we're taking a look at how to navigate through this Power Struggle stage
and turn it into an opportunity for deeper intimacy and connection.
Create security and a romance that lasts a lifetime.
In this video, I'm going to be teaching you a powerful technique...
for... how to cool off an argument
when it starts spiraling out of control into a full-blown fight.
But I feel obliged to issue a warning before I teach you this technique,
because this technique is so powerful,
that if you practice and master it, what you'll probably find is the people you use it with
will have a habit of falling in love with you...
So... use it, very... wisely.
Let's take a look at how a normal conversation can turn into an argument...
and then spiral out of control into a fight.
I'd like you to think of a good conversation like a good tennis match...
...in that there's two people playing. And there's a ball that gets hit back across the net...
The ball is a metaphor for the conversation or the message
that's being communicated between two people.
Like in any good tennis game, or any good conversation...
when you hit the ball across the net
the other person hits it back to you.
And just like a good conversation;
it would be no fun if you hit the ball across the net and the other person didn't hit it back!
In psychological circles...
your willingness to hit the ball back
is called your RESPONSIVENESS.
It turns out that RESPONSIVENESS is one of THE keys
to creating a long-term, romantic relationship that lasts.
That is full of intimacy and connection.
Let's take a look at what a responsive conversation may look like.
(Woman): "Honey I'm so tired. I had an exhausting day at work."
(Man): "I understand baby...I guess you're not so excited about cooking tonight, right?"
(Woman): "Yeah, you got that right."
(Man): "Well, why don't we get take-out instead and then you don't have to cook?"
(Woman): "Oh! that sounds like a wonderful idea.
Maybe we can rent a movie while we're at it?"
(Man): "Oh yeah, let's get the one we were talking about the other night."
...And the conversation is off to a great start
with both partners responding to each other.
On the other hand; here's what unresponsive conversation might look like:
(Woman): "Honey I'm so tired. I had an exhausting day at work."
(Man): "Uh Huh"
(Woman): "I really don't feel like cooking tonight..."
(Man): "Well...why don't you just get take out?"
(Woman): "Well... what do you want?"
(Man): "I don't know. Choose something for me."
(Woman): "Oh jeez, you are so indecisive!
Do I have to make all the decisions in this marriage?"
(Man): "Uggh! Here we go again. It's always my fault isn't it?"
AND this conversation (on the other hand) is destined to escalate into a fight.
Can you see the difference? The difference is that
in the first conversation the partners were responding to each other.
In the second conversation they may have been talking to each other,
but they were unresponsive emotionally.
The research shows that responsiveness is one of the key predictive factors
in predicting whether or not a relationship will last.
In fact, the statistics go like this:
In stable marriages that last a lifetime both parties are highly responsive to each other.
Responding to each other 80% of the time, each time their partner
reached out for attention.
Whereas marriages that ended in divorce, partners were unresponsive
and responded less than 50% of the time to their partner reaching out
for connection and attention. The first distinction I want to leave you with
is that your ability to respond,
your responsiveness,
is a key factor in determining whether or not your relationship will last
or whether or not will end breaking up.
Also...
The second distinction I wanna leave you with
is that your ability to be responsive in a conversation to your partner
will determine whether or not your conversations are
fun, light-hearted, intimate, connected, sexy and loving.
Or whether or not they escalate into full-blown fights
with one of you sleeping on the couch. Know what I mean?
(Music playing)
How can we be responsive to our partners when we're in the middle of a fight?
When we're triggered or upset?
The first thing you want to do:
is you want to stop hitting your own balls back to your partner,
or aimed at your partner's head. And begin returning the balls that they've served to you.
So your partner's going to to serve the ball across the net
(that might be some kind of communication)
And you hit that one ball over the net back to them.
One ball in the court at a time.
Those are the rules of tennis.
And the same in a good conversation. When your partner's game is over
you're going to have YOUR turn to serve your ball over the net
and they'll respond and hit your ball back. When you begin to do that, you begin to play a game.
And a dance in the conversation begins to happen.
Rather than both of you serving balls at each other at the same time,
and it turns into a war zone
where everybody takes casualties on both sides.
There is a powerful way to do this that I call having a Reflective Conversation.
It's been called many names by many great teachers.
I just call it a Reflective Conversation,
I think that's the most descriptive name for it.
It turns out that human beings in a relationship, what we want
more than anything is to feel gotten and understood.
To feel heard and understood by our partner.
But we were never taught this as a skill at school.
We were taught to speak, but we were actually never taught how to listen.
We just assumed that if we understood English we could listen.
But we were never taught how to listen in a way that our partner feels
heard and understood.
And I'm willing to bet that half of the arguments that happen in your relationship
or have happened in your past relationships
are because you or your partner
have not felt heard and not felt gotten by each other.
So how do you make your partner feel heard and understood?
Is actually pretty simple. All you need to do is reflect back to them
what you've understood about what they said.
Basically say back to them - paraphrasing - what they said.
So that they get that you heard them and you understood them.
And if you didn't get it correct, they can then...correct you.
It's pretty simple, it's not rocket science.
And it might look a little bit like this:
(here's an example that's slightly more serious than the previous examples)
I'll demonstrate to you how you can use this in your own relationship
to create instant connection in the middle of a fight with your partner.
(Woman): "Honey, I love to have a Reflective Conversation with you.
Are you free right now?"
(Man): "Sure love, what's up?
(Woman): "You know last night when we were at dinner and we joked about our sex life in public?
(Man): "Uh-huh.
(Woman): "Well... I was really embarrassed when you did that."
(Man): "Okay. So let me see if I understand you. When I joked about our sex life
at dinner last night you felt embarrassed.
Did I get it?"
(Woman): "Yes"
(Man): "Is there more?"
(Woman): "Yes!.. I really appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about our sex life in public.
I know you don't mean to be disrespectful, but
I am just not as comfortable talking about sex as you are."
(Man): "So if I heard you accurately. What I'm hearing you say is that you're
less comfortable than I am about talking about sex and you'd rather that I didn't talk
about sex in public. Did I get it?"
(Woman): "Not quite. It's not that I mind you talking about sex with our friends
it's that I feel uncomfortable talking about OUR sex life in public"
(Man): "Ahh. Ok I get it. So talking about sex in public's fine,
but talking about our sex life feels uncomfortable for you.
And you'd rather I didn't do that. Is that right?"
(Woman): "Yes"
(Man): "Is there anything more?"
(Woman): "No. That's all. Thank you."
(Man): "I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable last night that wasn't my intention honey,
and I'll make sure I don't talk about our sex life in public again"
(Woman): "So I'm hearing you say that you regret making me uncomfortable
and you're not going to talk about our sex life in public. Is that right?"
(Man): "You got it baby."
(Woman): "Is there more?"
(Man): "No, I love you"
(Woman): "Oh! I love you too."
Before I explain each step in this Reflective Conversation...
You're probably thinking
"Who speaks like this?! this is weird.
And I don't blame you, I promise you I'm not going to ask you to speak like this in public.
But if you master this technique and begin to use it in your relationship
Something magical will happen.
Tension will begin to dissolve
your partner's anger will disappear and if you stick with the conversation and
see it through to completion
you'll take your relationship to new heights of intimacy
connection and love that you may have never experienced before.
Okay. Let's take a look at how you can have your own Reflective Conversations
with your partner step-by-step. The first step is
to request a Reflective Conversation. If you find yourself in an argument that you
fear might be escalating into a fight,
you can just say to your partner: "Honey, can we have a Reflective Conversation please?"
And if they say yes, well... then you're in. The next thing you're going to do is
you're going to choose who's going to go first. That is to say who's going to be the speaker
The person who speaks first we're going to call the sender.
The person who listens we're going to call the receiver.
Let's assume for this example that you're the receiver
and your partner's the sender.
The third step is: Your partner (the sender),
Is going to send their message and your job as the receiver
is going to be just to listen. You don't say a word. You JUST listen.
and when they stop you're going to paraphrase back to them
in your own words what you understood that they've said.
Personally, I like to reflect back using the sentence stem:
"If I heard you accurately, what I hear you saying is (...)"
And when you have, you're going to check in with them that you got it right
by saying: "Did I get it?"
If you didn't get it, they'll tell you which part of their message
you didn't understand properly.
And then you can paraphrase it reflected back to them, again,
until they confirm that you did get it. Once they've confirmed that you did get it.
The next question you can ask the sender is:
"Is there more?"
If the senders says is that there's no more, then you can switch roles
You can become the sender and send your message and they'll listen to you.
I understand that this may feel a little bit overwhelming in the beginning,
a lot to remember.
So, I made you a document down below this video that you can download and print out.
Keep handy around the house. That when you next get into an argument
or you feel a conversation
turning into an argument and the tension rising. You grab that piece of paper,
say to your partner:
"Hey, can we have a Reflective Conversation please?
I feel like the tension's increasing here."
And the two of you can use the document to run through step by step.
Before you know it will become second nature.
Your conversations will very rarely escalate into full-blown war...
where you're now firing shots at each other.
They'll turn into fun tennis matches where you're bouncing a ball
back across the next to each other.
Feeling heard, gotten and understood. The love and connection
deepens and increases in your relationship
Here's a couple of tips for making a Reflective Conversation
as transformative as possible
Tip number 1: One person speaks at a time only.
This way you always feel like you're being heard.
Tip number 2: The sender's always going to speak in bite-size chunks.
Ok? Maybe 30 seconds at a time.
Then the person who's the receiver can reflect back a bite size chunk.
Rather than having to reflect back 10 minutes worth of download..right?
30 Seconds to a minute at a time seems to be a good balance.
Tip number 3:
The sender is going to own their words. You're going to use I statements.
You're going to take full responsibility for YOUR experience
What's going on for you.
You're not going to point fingers at your partner and say "you did this" and "you did that".
Tip number 4: If you can and it feels good to,
seat knee to knee with your partner and hold your partner's hand.
Touch your partner. Have some kind of physical touch with your partner.
Some people when they're in the middle of conflict though
the last thing they want to do is have physical touch.
In that case it might be better to step back.
Ask your partner what they'd prefer and figure out something that works for you.
Tip number 5: Hug your partner afterwards.
When you finish with the conversation and it ends in a loving space,
hug your partner and end it lovingly.
What you'll do is... you'll train each other.
That every time you have an argument and you use this technique; it ends in love.
You'll want to use this technique. Your partner will want to use this technique.
Before you know it, your arguments won't even escalate into fights anymore.
They'll begin to end in these beautiful moments were the two of you just feel
connected, loving, gotten, heard and understood.
Like your partner is the only person in the world that truly understands you .
That's what I want for you.
That's why I'm teaching you this technique.
That's why I'm starting The Love At First Fight Coaching Program shortly.
And that's why making these videos for you. So you can have that experience,
instead of the horrible experience of breaking up
that most people have during the power struggle stage.
When would you use a Reflective Conversation?
The first way you might use it would be to actually request one.
Maybe you've got something on your mind
that you're little nervous about talking to your partner about
and you suspect it might be a touchy subject and might escalate into an argument,
or an opportunity for the two of you to be disconnected....
Then you might say to your partner:
"Honey, have you got some time this afternoon
between 4-5pm where we can spend an hour and have a Reflective Conversation?"
So you formally requested.
That's one way to use it.
Another way to use it is: When you're having a conversation
and you notice that the tension's rising
before it gets out of control you might say to your partner:
"Hey Honey, can we just have a Reflective Conversation?"
And then you can de-escalate the conflict straight away.
I often use it when my partner's sharing with me about how the day went.
And they've had a really tough day and they're sharing with me.
I reflect back to them what they're saying so they experience being heard and gotten.
We're not even having an argument or a fight at all.
I use it ...you know... naturally, so that she feels heard and she feels gotten.
She feels loved .
And she knows that I'm interested in what she's saying.
You can even use it with your children.
You could use it at work, with your boss, or with your employees,
especially when things get heated.
This kind of technique is used in hostage negotiation and in conflict resolution
all around the world.
Over time,
as the two of you become more and more reliable to use this technique
your relationships are going to become safer and safer for the two of you
to open up, be vulnerable and share with each other.
And those sensitive conversations that might have previously ended with one of you sleeping on the couch...
Could they end with both of you sleeping in each other's arms in bed together.
I could speak for hours on how to make this technique even more effective.
We'll be going deeper into it in the Love At First Fight coaching program.
Which I'll tell you about in the next video.
If you want to be notified before anybody else
when The Love At First Fight Coaching Program opens.
Please pop your email in the box down below and click the button
I'll send you an email as soon as we open the door to that program
before I let everybody else know.
I hope you found this video useful
and I hope you show it to your partner.
I hope you print out the document down below
and you use the technique in your relationship.
Then please leave me a comment.
Let me know what you thought of the video
And let me know your success stories of how this actually works.
Go and have a conversation like this with your partner
tonight.
And let me know how it goes. Please click the Like button down below,
share on Facebook, email it to your friends
And we can spread the word about how to de-escalate conflict
and help people all around the world create relationships that have more love
and build a romance that last a lifetime.
This is Bruce Muzik signing off.
Wishing you more love than you know how to handle.
Have an amazing day and I'll talk to you in a couple of days
when The Love At First Fight coaching program opens
Talk to you soon. Bye.