RECENTLY, I'VE BEEN TROLLED BY THIS ONE PERSON
WHO IS ON ME DAY AND NIGHT.
I GOT TWEETS LIKE THIS...
"I USED TO BELIEVE IN FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
THEN I WATCHED HANNIBAL BURESS DO STAND-UP COMEDY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
"HANNIBAL BURESS SHOULD KILL HIMSELF
BECAUSE HE HAS NO TALENT EXCEPT FOR BEING A SQUINTY [BLEEP]"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THIS ONE REALLY HURT.
"YOU'RE LIKE A LESS FUNNY TAVIS SMILEY."
I HATE BEING COMPARED TO TAVIS SMILEY.
I THINK I'M WAY FUNNIER THAN TAVIS SMILEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WAS THE BREAKING POINT FOR ME.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
SO I GOT THE COMEDY CENTRAL I.T. DEPARTMENT
TO TRACK DOWN THE I.P. ADDRESS OF THIS PERSON.
FROM THAT, I WAS ABLE TO FIND OUT WHERE THEY LIVE,
AND IT WAS ON.
HERE'S THE TAPE.
WANT TO TALK A LOT OF TRASH ONLINE,
BUT THEY NEVER WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR FACE.
[BLEEP] THAT [BLEEP] MAN.
YEESH.
THAT CAR LOOK LIKE IT WENT THROUGH
THE STREET FIGHTER BONUS ROUND.
YIKES.
OH, LOOK AT THIS HOUSE.
I CAN SEE WHY THIS PERSON'S SO ANGRY.
[ KNOCKS ON DOOR ]
[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]
HEY!
AMY SCHUMER! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
YOU TROLLING ME?
NO. NOPE.
THEN WHO SAID,
"HANNIBAL IS SUCH A STRONG NAME FOR A WEAK ACT"?
NO, I DIDN'T.
YOU WAS JUST MOUTHING ALONG.
AMY, WHY WOULD YOU DO -- I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!
NO ONE'S FRIENDS IN COMEDY, HANNIBAL!
WAKE UP.
WE'RE TOO SELF-INVOLVED. WE CAN'T HAVE FRIENDS.
THERE'S --
AMY, THERE'S NO FLIES.
NO, THERE'S FLIES HERE.
YOU JUST -- YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, BUT YOU CAN HEAR THEM.
I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST.
I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THERAPY. I'M FINE.
YOU OBVIOUSLY --
LOOK, I WEIGH 160 POUNDS,
AND I CAN CATCH A DICK WHENEVER I WANT.
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT? YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.
[ MUFFLED ] IT'S TRUE.
WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TIME TO DO THIS?
DON'T YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMING OUT NEXT WEEK OR SOMETHING?
YES! I HAVE A MOVIE COMING OUT.
IT'S GONNA BE RELEASED JULY 17TH TO A THEATER NEAR YOU,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
[ WHISPERS ] PLEASE SEE IT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
THIS IS ABOUT YOU TRYING TO MOVE IN ON MY TERRITORY.
I'M NOT TRYING TO MOVE IN ON YOUR TERRITORY.
COMEDY CENTRAL'S MY NETWORK.
-NO. -YES!
IT'S OWNED BY VIACOM!
-WE CAN'T BOTH HAVE TV SHOWS. -YES, WE CAN.
I WANT PEOPLE TO WATCH MY SHOW, NOT YOUR SHOW.
THERE'S OTHER SHOWS ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
SO WHAT? NOBODY WATCHES TWO TELEVISION SHOWS.
LOTS OF PEOPLE WATCH TWO TELEVISION SHOWS!
NAME ONE PERSON THAT WATCHES TWO TELEVISION SHOWS!
HANNIBAL BURESS!
WHAT TWO TELEVISION SHOWS DO YOU WATCH?
"EXTREME COUPONING"
AND "EXTREME COUPONING: DALLAS EDITION."
THERE'S A DALLAS EDITION?
THERE'S A DALLAS EDITION OF "EXTREME COUPONING."
IT'S BETTER?
IT'S JUST MORE SPECIFIC AND LOCALIZED.
I LIKE THAT PART OF IT.
GOD!
THERE'S NO FLIES, AMY.
PULL IT TOGETHER!
THERE'S MONEY FOR EVERYBODY OUT HERE.
I GOT [BLEEP] I WANT TO BUY.
[ VOICE BREAKING ] I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
I THINK A LOT OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS PROBABLY TRUE.
[ SNIFFLES ] AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.
FROM WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, YOU'RE NOT REALLY ANGRY AT ME.
YOU'RE MAD AT YOURSELF AND YOU HAVE SOME...DEMONS --
NOT BIG DEMONS, BUT MAYBE SMALL DEMONS.
[ NORMAL VOICE ] I'VE GOT BIG DEMONS.
YOU'VE GOT BIG DEMONS?
I'M NOT WEARING A BRA,
BUT, I MEAN, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE BIG.
OKAY.
SO, YOU JUST HAVE SOME STUFF GOING ON INSIDE OF YOU
THAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH,
AND IT'S NOT REALLY PERSONAL ABOUT ME.
SO, I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.
[ CRYING ]
UM, ALL RIGHT.
SO, WE'RE -- WE'RE GOOD?
YEAH.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE MOVIE.
UH, YOU STILL WANT TO GRAB LUNCH ON WEDNESDAY?
[ SNIFFLES ] YEAH, FOR SURE.
COOL.
COULD YOU PICK ME UP? MY CAR EXPLODED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]