Welcome to The Daily Show, everybody.
Welcome to it.
Take a seat. Let's do this thing.
The first Democratic debate just ended
and tonight we are coming to you live!
-(cheering, applause) -Live from New York. Yes.
And, if you don't believe that we're live,
I'll prove it. Watch this.
Siri, what time is it right now?
SIRI: Moscow is the capital of Russia.
Goddamn it, what... Never understands my accent.
We are live, though. You'll just have to take my word for it.
And like I said just a moment ago-- just a few moments ago--
they wrapped up the very first Democratic debates:
an epic showdown between nine normal-sized people
and Bill de Blasio.
And the anticipation for this thing was huge.
Because with the election a mere 496 days away,
this was a chance for many of the unknown candidates
to introduce themselves to a national audience.
They could go from "Who is that?"
all the way to, "Oh, yeah, that guy.
No, I'm not gonna vote for him, no."
And honestly, honestly, it's really hard
for these candidates to stand out because there are
so many of them taking part in these debates.
Ten people on stage at the same time.
It's almost impossible to keep track of who they all are.
Yeah. That's actually why I came up with this really simple
mnemonic device. You guys can all use it. Uh, you go, uh,
brave dancers breathlessly try rapidly jumping canyons
cradling bacon even while bastard orphans
antagonize kangaroos twirling grape jelly inside John Delaney.
See? It's simple. It's super simple.
You remember everybody.
Yeah. And if you... if that's still too hard for you,
you can just try this easy acronym:
uh, but-but... b-bada...
badat... ba, badat...
B-Buttigieg, Buttigieg. All right.
So, tonight was night one.
The biggest name on the stage was Elizabeth Warren,
polling in the lead.
And she knew that she was the frontrunner.
She knew that she had... she was so chill.
She came out, she was chilled out there, you know.
She went hard against corporations.
She pushed free education.
She spoke about how the economy
is only working for the very rich.
It was all really very standard Elizabeth Warren, you know.
It's as normal as seeing a man walking a chicken in Brooklyn--
it's everyday. So, basically, it was up to everyone else
to try and figure out a way to stand out.
And Beto O'Rourke-- wow.
Beto O'Rourke--
he knows there's one way
to spice up a bland affair.
In that vein, some Democrats
want a marginal individual tax rate of 70%
on the very highest earners--
those making more than ten million dollars a year.
Would you support that?
(speaking Spanish)
To hear my answer in English, press one.
Goddamn, Beto O'Rourke.
That was a surprise. That was, like, totally a surprise.
This guy was so fluent I bet half of America
thought they flipped to Univision by mistake.
It's like, "No, press the SAP button.
Press the SAP button."
And I-I'm not just saying that. I'm not just saying that.
Look at how shocked Cory Booker was
when Beto switched to español.
His eyes are just like, "Wait. Wait, wh..."
You-you know that feeling-- have you ever
walked into an exam in school and then, like, you sit down
and then another student puts, like, a protractor on the desk
and you're like, "What, we need a protractor?"
That's what that face was-- panic.
Absolute panic.
No, but for real, though, for real--
Beto O'Rourke was pretty impressive.
And it wasn't just his Spanish, right?
He also proposed immigration policies
that would end the separation of children and parents
at the border. And you got to admit,
it would be cool for America to have a president
who is fluent in two languages, right? It would be cool.
I mean, it would be cool to have a president
who's fluent in one language, you know?
And while Beto O'Rourke was wowing the crowd
with his fluent Spanish, Amy Klobuchar came prepared
with zingers that were gonna destroy the crowd.
But every time she tried to land them, her time was up.
This president is literally, every single day,
ten minutes away from going to war, one tweet away
-from going to war, and I don't think we should -All right.
-conduct foreign policy in our bathrobe -Your time is up.
-at the 5:00 in the morning, -Con-Congresswoman Gabbard...
-which is what he does. -Congresswoman Gabbard...
It is a path to citizenship for citizen... for people who can
-become citizens. And it would be -Senator, your time...
so much better for our economy in America.
That's time, thank you.
Uh, because I can tell this: uh, if billionaires
-can pay off their yachts, -Senator Klobuchar, that's time.
students should be able to pay off their student loans.
That's time, thank you.
And pharma thinks they own Washington.
-Well, they don't own me. -Your time is up, thank you.
Oh, no. Oh, man.
You could see, like, she had the lines cocked and loaded.
You know that line in the movie where you're like,
"Well, maybe this time..."
"You know, your time is up."
"No, I was about to say the line. I was abou..."
I feel so bad for her.
It feels like even if she wins the whole election,
this thing will just carry on.
She'll be taking the oath of office like,
"I will faithfully execute the Office of the..."
"Your time is up." "No way! I'm the president!"
I feel bad for Klobuchar, but this is always a problem
when you're trying to fit an answer about policy
into 60 seconds.
This was bound to happen.
This was the entire night.
You know what I would do if I was at a debate?
I would just tease my answers. Yeah, yeah.
They would ask me a question, and they'd be like,
"What do you think about immigration, Trevor?"
I'll be like, "You know, I've actually solved immigration.
"I realized there was a problem, and I found the solution,
and I'll tell you what it is... when you come back to me."
-(laughter) -And then everyone in the crowd would be like,
"No! Go back to him! Go back to him! Go back!"
Yeah. I'd be like, "No, Tim Ryan, you speak, you speak."
"No!"
Now, Klobuchar may not have landed many of her punch lines,
but she did differentiate herself on that stage
by saying that she wouldn't get rid of private health insurance,
and she wouldn't try to go back
to Obama's original deal with Iran.
She would look to renegotiate aspects of it.
So Warren was cruising, Beto was fluent,
Klobuchar was being her moderate self,
and everyone else was just trying to figure out
how to get noticed in the debate.
I mean, Tim Ryan barely said a word.
Uh, poor Jay Inslee-- he spent most of the night
trying to order a drink from a bartender
who didn't realize he was there.
Look at him. Just like standing there at the bar like,
"Can I have a... can I have, uh, yeah, can I have... t-tequila?"
Right here, right over here.
Come on, dude, how are you gonna get the nomination
if you can't even get a vodka soda?
(mumbles)
And the night, the night seemed like it was just gonna be
a bunch of people mostly saying the same thing.
You know, all the Democrats had similar ideas.
Until...
Lester Holt brought up health care,
and all hell broke loose.
Would you replace private insurance?
No. I think that choice is-is fundamental to...
Hey, wait, wait, Congressman O'Rourke, Congressman O'Rourke,
private insurance is not working
for tens of millions of Americans.
When you talk about the co-pays, the deductibles,
the premiums, the out-of-pocket expenses, it's not working.
Why are you defending private insurance to begin with?
...say they like their private health insurance, by the way.
It should be noted that a hundred million Americans...
I mean, I think we should be the party that keeps what's working
-and fixes what's broken. -(applause, cheering)
I mean, doesn't that make sense?
Oh! The short, bald dude who's also running for president
just came out of nowhere and stole that topic
-and got an applause! -(laughter)
Even the cameraman was like, "Who's talking? Who-who's...
Who is this person? Where are they?"
This was ama... Like, this guy came out of nowhere.
It's like in the Royal Rumble, where a random dude
comes in with a chair, just like bam!
And you're like, "Who is that?" "I don't know"!
In case you forgot, that was John Delaney.
All right? And actually, he was so feisty
during the night, he got a few moments where he, like,
got an applause and he made an impact.
You know what he should do? He should say his name
every time he gets the crowd on his side.
That was his mistake. 'Cause otherwise,
people are like, "That guy's cool. Who's that guy?"
You've got to say your name, like a Democratic DJ Khaled.
That's what you got to do. Yeah.
Every time you end a statement, he should have been like,
"That's why I say pro-choice. John Delaney!"
-(imitates rap air horn) -(laughter)
And I guess, I guess Delaney inspired
everyone else on the stage, right?
Because people realized if you're gonna wait
for the moderators to come to you,
you are never gonna get your chance to shine.
You have to push your way into a crowded field.
And if there's one person who knows how to do that,
it's the seven-foot giant from New York.
The way that American citizens have been told that immigrants
somehow created their misery and their pain
and their challenge is for all the American citizens out there
who feel you're falling behind,
who feel the American dream's not working for you,
the immigrants didn't do that to you.
-(cheering) -The big corporations did that to you.
We need to have a different conversation in this country
about guns, but also a different conversation about policing
that brings police and community together.
We've done that in New York City,
and we've driven down crime while we've done it.
Put the American people first.
-(De Blasio speaking) -GUTHRIE: All right, we...
we are out of time. We're up against a hard break,
-(De Blasio continues) -but we will have much more...
Mayor de Blasio will have more. The commercial is coming.
Yo, Bill de Blasio.
Guy came in polling at one percent.
But after this, I'm sure he blew it up
all the way to, like, three, at least.
Did you see the way he was just jumping
into other people's conversations? Huh?
(New York accent): That, my friends,
is a classic New York subway move right over there.
You don't wait for the people to look at you!
You look at them! You look at them!
Yeah, that was a classic move.
Basically, everyone was being polite, and he just jumped
and was like, "Hey, yo, good evening, everybody.
"My name is Bill de Blasio.
"I'm selling policies for one dollar.
"I got ideas on Iran for two dollars.
"I'd appreciate your attention.
And if I can't get your vote, I'm just askin' for a smile."
(laughter, applause)
(whooping)
So...
that was night one of the debates,
and to be honest, it was a lot more exciting
than most people thought.
I know Trump tweeted that it was boring,
but he would always think that policy is boring.
'Cause these people had ideas,
they had plans for how they were gonna do it,
and they had information
about how they were going to run themselves from the White House.
And even despite the arguing, everyone on that stage
was pretty much on the same page when it came to policies.
It was like shades of gray.
In fact, they were so similar that Lester Holt at one point
just turned into a grade school teacher
to try and figure out who was who.
All right, we're gonna turn to the issue
of health care right now, and really try to understand
where there may or may not be daylight between you.
Many people watching at home
have health insurance coverage through their employer.
Who here would abolish their private health insurance
in favor of a government-run plan?
Just a show of hands to start off with.
(applause)
So a show of hands-- Who, as president, would sign on
to the 2015 nuclear deal
as it was originally negotiated?
Okay, and one more show of hands,
which one of you is John Delaney?
Which-- Which one of you--
That's me, John Delaney. Me, me, me, me.
So that was it.
Ten people kicking off what is going to be over a year
of debate and civil arguments.
It was stressful and it was live.
And if you're ready for an ad break, raise your hand.
We'll be right back.
(cheering, applause)