>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT HAS WRITTEN FOR
"THE SIMPSONS" AND "S.N.L.," AND AFTER 25 YEARS, HE'S THE ELDER
STATESMAN OF LATE-NIGHT HOSTS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MY FRIEND AND YOURS,
CONAN O'BRIEN!
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: CONAN O'BRIEN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> A LOVELY CROWD.
>> Stephen: VERY DPIETD SEE CONAN O'BRIEN.
>> WHAT A DAY.
WHAT A DAY.
>> Stephen: BACK ON THE EAST COAST.
SO A TREAT FOR US.
>> BACK IN TOWN.
BIG DAY.
SUPER BOWL.
THAT WAS A CRAZY GAME.
>> Stephen: IT WAS.
( LAUGHTER )
CONAN.
>> IT'S REALLY NOT.
IT'S THE SAME CONAN.
YOU'RE THE SAME CON CONE CONAN B IT'S A NEW FORMAT.
>> IT'S A NEW FORMAT.
I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR SO LONG, LET'S DO HALF AN HOUR.
WE NOTICED OUR CROWD AFTER A HALF HOUR, "WE'RE GOOD."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> ANYWAY -- >> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK
IN SHOW BUSINESS WE CALL THAT, "LEAVE THEM WANTING SOME."
>> EVEN AT HALF AN HOUR THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GO TO
15."
>> Stephen: TONIGHT, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE DRESSED
BEAUTIFULLY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BUT SUEDE-- A SUEDE JACKET.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M SEEING-- I'M SEEING A LOT MORE LEATHER
JACKETS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DENIM, A LOT MORE DENIM.
NO MORE SUITS-- >> I LIKE TO LOOK LIKE A
PROSPEROUS FARMER, YOU KNOW, A FARMER WHO HAS INVESTED WELL IN
HIGH-TECH.
THAT'S THE LOOK I'M GOING FOR.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH...
>> IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.
I GOT TIRED OF WEARING A SUIT, AND I THINK THE SUIT IS GREAT.
I'VE DONE IT FOR SO MANY YEARS --
>> Stephen: YOU SAID THAT LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID TO HURT THE SUIT'S
FEELINGS.
>> THERE'S A SUIT HERE GOING, "COME OGIVE ME A CHANCE."
NO, IT LOOKS GREAT.
IT LOOKS TERRIFIC.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME FOR A BANK LOAN.
AND I WANTED TO JUST SORT OF-- I'M A REAL HARD WORKER.
( LAUGHTER )
THE KIND OF CLOTHES THAT I DO IN REAL LIFE.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME IS THAT I WEAR A JACKET.
I HAVE TO WEAR A JACKET.
>> Stephen: WHY IS THIS?
>> THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
>> Stephen: IT'S MY JOB.
IT'S MY JOB.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I WEAR-- I HAVE TO WEAR A JACKET BECAUSE I HAVE TO BREAK
UP WHERE MY-- THE MIDDLE OF MY BODY IS BECAUSE I HAVE A-- AND
THIS IS A CONFESSION-- I HAVE A VERY DISPROPORTIONATE BODY.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD, I HAD A MASSIVE GROWTH SPURT,
MASSIVE.
I AM 6'4".
I WENT FROM BEING A KID TO 6'4" OVERNIGHT, LITERALLY OVERNIGHT.
MY LEGS GREW AND GREW AND GREW, AND MY TORSO NEVER DID.
I HAVE THE LEGS -- THE LEGS-- OF AN N.B.A. CENTER, AND I HAVE THE
TORSO OF A LITTLE GIRL.
( LAUGHTER )
SHE'S NOT EVEN A HEALTHY LITTLE GIRL.
SHE WAS BORN IN THE 1840s HELP HER NAME IS MOLLY AND SHE HAS
RICKETTS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A PICTURE.
>> THAT'S MY TORSO RIGHT THERE FROM A LONG TIME OKAY OOG.
THANKS.
THANKS FOR SHOWING THAT.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S FUNNY.
NO ONE MENTIONED YOU WOULD BE SHOWING THAT PHOTO.
>> Stephen: KEEP UP THE B-12.
>> BUT IT IS, I HAVE-- AND SO I HAVE VERY, VERY LONG LEGS, AND
THIS THEN TINY LITTLE TORSO THAT SITS ATOP.
AND PEOPLE THINK I AM EXAGGERATING BUT I CAN PROVE TO
YOU THAT I AM NOT--
>> LOOK AT THIS-- THIS...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> I LOOK LIKE A SHORE BIRD AVOIDING AN OIL SPILL, DON'T I?
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN I ARE THIS LITTLE R2D2 BODY ON TOP.
IT'S A FREAK SHOW.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> IT'S A FREAK SHOW AND IT'S CAUSED ME --
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> AND I HAVE -- >> Stephen: NO-- NO
PHOTOGRAPHS.
NO PAPIER-MACHE.
HE IS ALIVE.
>> HE IS ALIVE.
HE IS ALIVE!
AND MY PANTS, I'M ALWAYS PUSHING THEM DOWN.
THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN NOW.
THEY ARE ARTIFICIALLY PUSHED DOWN.
MY PENIS IS HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
FLIP THE TIE BACK!
( LAUGHTER )
ONE.
LEAN DOWN, TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
SURE.
>> IT'S A BAD SCENE, MAN.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> A REAL BAD SCENE.
>> Stephen: SO NO MORE SUITS.
NO MORE SUITS.
>> YOU BREAK IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
I REALIZE I JUST UNDID ALL THE GOOD I'M TRYING TO DO BY
DISPLAYING MY BODY.
BUT IT'S BEEN A SOURCE OF GREAT SHAME FOR ME AND I WANT OTHER
KIDS OUT THERE -- >> Stephen: I'M GLAD, I'M
GLAD.
>> YOU'RE GLAD I FEEL SHAME.
>> Stephen: YES, A LITTLE SHAME IS A GOOD THING.
>> IT'S A VERY GOOD THING.
>> Stephen: AFTER 25 YEARS ON THE AIR, THE SHOW HAS CHANGED.
WHAT ELSE-- WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF OVER THE
YEARS?
BECAUSE, CERTAINLY, WHEN YOU DO ONE OF THESE SHOWS, YOU LEARN
WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT THEN YOU'LL FIND OUT THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU NEVER KNEW.
>> YES.
I FOUND OUT-- AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THROUGH THE SHOW.
THIS IS JUST LIFE, AS YOU GO ON IN LIFE, WHEN I STARTED MY SHOW,
I HAD JUST TURNED 30, I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS YET.
I'VE GROWN UP AND BECOME SORT OF A MAN.
( LAUGHTER )
25 YEARS.
BUT I'M FINDING OUT NEW THINGS ALL THE TIME.
I FOUND OUT-- I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.
AND-- JUST FAIR PHYSICAL.
HE WAS DOING THE PHYSICAL.
AND HE SAID, "BY THE WAY, CONAN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE INTO
THIS, BUT I DO D.N.A. TESTING.
I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.
WE COULD FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR HERITAGE."
I THINK SOME PEOPLE HAVE DONE THAT-- 23ANDME.
I SAID SURE, LET'S DO IT.
HE TOOK A D.N.A. SAMPLE, AND I LEFT.
TWO WEEKS LATER HE CALLED ME UP.
AND HE SAID, "I HAVE NEVER, EVER, EVER HAD A D.N.A. RESULT
LIKE THIS BEFORE, AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 10 YEARS."
AND I SAID, "WHAT IS IT?" HE SAID "YOU ARE"-- AND THIS IS
TRUE-- "YOU ARE 100% IRISH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOLD IT.
HE SAID, "YOU ARE 100%."
HE SAID, "I'VE NEVER SEEN 100% ANYTHING.
I'VE DONE THIS WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE.
I'VE SEEN 93.5.
I'VE SEEN 96.1.
THERE'S NO SUCH-- NO ONE IS 100% IRISH."
HE SAID, "IF YOU GO TO IRELAND"-- AND I LOOKED IT UP
AND IT'S TRUE, YOU GET THEIR D.N.A. SAMPLE AND YOU FIND
THEY'RE 84% IRISH.
THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN-- TRUE FACT-- 11% SPANISH.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I SAID-- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS.
I SAID, "WHAT DOES IT MEAN?" HE SAID, "WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU'RE INBRED."
AND HE SAID IT-- HE SAID IT JUST LIKE THAT!
HE SAID IT LIKE THAT, ""YOU'RE INBRED."
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT!" FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S VERY RUDE.
BUT THEN ALL THIS STUFF STARTED TO MAKE SENSE TO ME, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING CAME TOGETHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WELL, CAN I ASK-- IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, IN
YOUR GENERATION, IS YOUR WIFE IRISH?
DID YOU-- >> HERE'S WHAT WHEREIT GETS
CRAZY, OKAY.
BECAUSE I-- YOU KNOW, I LOOKED INTO IT, AND I FOUND OUT THE
REASON I'M 100% IRISH IS MY PEOPLE-- WE CAME TO BOSTON
AROUND THE TIME OF THE CIVIL WAR.
WE JUST ALL MOVED INTO A VERY SMALL AREA, A KORB CORNER OF
WORCESTERRER MASSACHUSETTS-- WON'T WOOO WORSTER.
NOBODY WOOOS WORSTER.
THEY MOVED INTO A SMALL CORNER OF WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS, AND
MARRIED EACH OTHER FOR 180 YEARS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
AND I REALIZED -- AND THEN I SAW THAT MY BROTHERS WERE MARRYING
100% IRISH WOMEN.
AND HAVING KIDS THAT LOOKED LIKE THOSE KIDS THAT WOULD BE LIKE,
"WE'RE OFF TO GET ON THE "TITANIC."
IT WILL ALL GO WELL."
SO IRISH LOOKING.
AND SO I-- I-- I STOPPED THE MADNESS.
I STOPPED THE MADNESS.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WIFE-- I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS.
I LOVE HER TO DEATH.
MY WIFE IS 50% IRISH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
25% SCOTTISH.
25% WELSH.
AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IN MY FAMILY, THEY ACT LIKE, "CONAN
GOD JUNGLE FEVER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MY BROTHER'S ARE LIKE, "WHAT'S IT LIKE, MAN!
YOU WENT CRAZY!" >> Stephen: "CONAN" AIRS
WEEKNIGHTS ON TBS, AND NEW EPISODES OF THE PODCAST "CONAN
O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND" ARE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY.
CONAN O'BRIEN, EVERYBODY!
WHEN WE COME, BACK I SHARE SOME PERSONAL SPACE WITH STEVE
CARELL.