>> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN A WRITER FOR "ADAM RUINS
EVERYTHING" AND "THE DAILY SHOW."
PLEASE WELCOME ALINGON MITRA!
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
I'M FEELING GREAT.
I JUST QUIT DRINKING.
OKAY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT, THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T REALLY.
I DIDN'T REALLY QUIT.
THIS IS WHAT I DID.
I CUT DOWN.
I DECIDED I'M ONLY GOING TO DRINK IF IT'S A HOLIDAY OR
SOMEBODY'S BIRTHDAY...
ON FACEBOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT A DRINK WITH THIS
ELECTION.
I'M SCARED PEOPLE KEEP DISMISSING TRUCK.
LIKE LAST YEAR, THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO WERE LIKE, "YOU GUYS,
THERE'S NO WAY TRUMP IS GOING TO BE THE NOMINEE."
AND THIS YEAR, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE, "YOU GUYS, THERE'S
NO WAY TRUMP IS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT."
I FEEL LIKE NEXT YEAR PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE LIKE, "YOU GUYS,
THERE'S NO WAY TRUMP IS GOING TO BE SUPREME OVERLORD."
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "OH, SO YOU
LOVE HILLARY.
LOOK, YOU CAN BE ANTI-TRUMP AND NOT PRO-HILLARY.
LIKE, JUST BECAUSE I HATE DIARRHEA, DOESN'T MEAN I LOVE
CONSTIPATION.
LAUZ THIS IS HOW UNLIKABLE HILLARY IS.
TRUMP SAID THE MOST VILE STUFF ABOUT LATINOS, AND SHE STILL
HAD TO PICK A VICE PRESIDENT WHO SPEAKS SPANISH.
TRUMP LITERALLY SAID, "MEXICANS ARE RAPISTS," AND THERE WERE
STILL LATINOS OUT THERE WHO WERE LIKE, "NO QUIERO HILLARY."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT THERE ARE
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR SOMEBODY BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT A
POLITICIAN.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS GUY?
NOT A POLITICIAN."
YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE JOB.
NO OTHER SITUATION WOULD YOU BE COMFORTABLE.
UNITED STATES NEVER BE LIKE, OH, MY GOD.
I'M ON TRIAL FOR MY LIFE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY
LAWYER?
NOT A LAWYER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) YOU GET ON A PLANE, THE PILOT
COMES ON, "WELCOME TO FLIGHT 242.
I HAVE, UHH, NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, BUT THIS IS WHAT THE
PEOPLE WANTED.
SO PLEASE PUT UP YOUR TRAY TABLES.
OR DON'T.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
PILOTS ALWAYS HAVE THAT VOICE.
BUT GROWING UP, I'D NEVER HEAR THAT VOICE.
I'D HEAR INDIAN ACCENTS.
BUT NEVER ON A PLANE, BECAUSE IF YOU HEARD THAT-- "UH, WELCOME TO
FLIGHT 242"-- WHITE PEOPLE WOULD FREAK OUT.
THEY'D BE LIKE, "RED ALERT!
HE'S IN THE COCKPIT ALREADY!" ( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE-- PEOPLE THINK I LOOK SUSPICIOUS ON A PLANE.
SO I WILL ACTIVELY DO THINGS TO NOT LOOK SUSPICIOUS, WHICH IN
AND OF ITSELF, HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.
LIKE, I'LL SMILE THE WHOLE TIME, TURN TO THE PERSON NEXT TO ME,
AND BE LIKE, "BOY, I HOPE THEY'RE SERVING ALCOHOL AND PORK
ON THIS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE ON THE
PLANE.
I MET SOMEBODY THE OTHER DAY FROM STOCKHOLM, AND I WAS LIKE,
"STOCKHOLM, THAT'S THE CAPITAL OF SWEDEN."
HE WAS LIKE, "YA."
BUT HOW AMERICAN OF ME TO BE LIKE, "NO, YOU SHOULD BE
IMPRESSED.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW YOUR CAPITAL."
BUT IF ANYONE FROM SWEDEN EVER DID THAT TO AN AMERICAN?
"AMERICA?
YOUR CAPITAL IS WASHINGTON D.C."
WE'D BE LIKE, "ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NEW YORK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW.
MY ROOMMATE HAS A WHITE NOISE MACHINE TO HELP HIM SLEEP.
IT JUST GOES, "SHHHHH."
I THINK THE REASON IT'S CALLED A WHITE NOISE MACHINE IS THAT'S
THE SOUND WHITE PEOPLE MAKE WHEN MINORITIES BRING UP ISSUES
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WE'RE GETTING SHOT!"
SHHH.
MEXICANS ARE LIKE, "THIS ISN'T A FAIR WAGE!"
SHHH.
CHINESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WE'RE ACTUALLY JAPANESE."
SHHH.
( LAUGHTER ) TRYING TO BE POSITIVE, THOUGH.
I STARTED READING POSITIVE QUOTES ON INSTAGRAM.
I READ ONE THAT SAID, "SHOOT FOR THE MOON.
EVEN IF YOU FAIL, YOU LAND AMONGST THE STARS."
WHICH IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND UPLIFTING IF YOU DON'T KNOW
SCIENCE.
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THE STARS ARE TRILLIONS
OF TIMES FARTHER AWAY THAN THE MOON.
SO, REALLY, THE QUOTE SHOULD BE, "SHOOT FOR THE STARS.
EVEN IF YOU FAIL, YOU WON'T REALIZE BECAUSE YOU'LL HAVE
SUFFOCATED FROM THE LACK OF OXYGEN.
PEEP SAY THINGS THEY DON'T REALIZE ALL THE TIME.
I WENT TO A RESTAURANT WITH A FOODIE AND HE EXPLAINED THE FOOD
TO ME.
AND HE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS TANDOORI CHICKEN.
IT'S MADE IN A TANDOOR."
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW.
I WAS MADE IN A TANDOOR."
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
HE WAS LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY.
WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME?" I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, OBVIOUSLY, I
DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW."
BUT IT THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
AND I WAS COMPLAINING TO MY WHITE FRIEND ABOUT THIS, AND HE
WAS LIKE, "SHHH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU GUYS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HIM AT THE COMEDY CELLAR HERE IN
NEW YORK CITY.
ALINGON MITRA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.