- You guys like going online?
(audience cheering)
Yeah, surfin' the web.
They got it all there baby, I love it.
My favorite website, Wikipedia, love it.
I go on there, I'm this close to finishing it.
(audience laughing)
I hopped on there the other day and
I was reading about shark attacks.
I'm not afraid of sharks anymore 'cause of Wikipedia.
Sharks, they only kill 11 people a year.
Lettuce killed more people.
(audience laughing)
Lettuce killed more people than sharks last year,
and they don't get their own week on the Food Network.
(audience laughing)
The fun thing about shark attack statistics is
they'll tell you how many were provoked verse not provoked,
which is just a fun way of saying they deserved it.
(audience laughing)
I'm not afraid of sharks though.
I dare one to walk in here right now, bring his whole crew.
I'll say it to his face.
(audience laughing) Not afraid of them.
Tell you what I am afraid of though is hippos.
They kill 4,000 people a year.
We treat 'em like a bunch of neon overeating dickheads.
(audience laughing)
I get why they're lashing out, I get why they're upset.
Here's the fucked up thing about hippos,
they kill 4,000 people a year and they're vegetarians,
(audience laughing)
which means they're just hunting us for sport.
(audience laughing)
Have you ever seen a vegan break a horse's neck?
No, (audience laughing)
that'd be a very off brand message.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes I go online and people are nasty to me,
you believe that?
Little old me, what'd I ever do?
(audience laughing)
They say nasty things to me, I have to block 'em.
I have to go you don't get access to the good stuff anymore.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes they get upset, they lash out,
they find new ways to reach me.
I had a fellow who recently sent me a calendar invite
(audience laughing)
to suck his dick.
(audience laughing)
You little rascal, bringing that to my doorstep.
I knew exactly what I had to do.
I hit him with a "maybe attending."
(audience laughing and cheering)
He's gonna have to look over his shoulder
the rest of his life.
(audience laughing)
I like sports, I'm a big sporty boy.
You guys like the sports, huh?
(audience cheering)
I love sports, but as I've gotten older,
there's a lot about sports
that's pretty silly as you get older
like sports jerseys, that's pretty silly as you get older
'cause when you're a little kid
you're wearing like your your hero's jersey,
that's different.
When you're older than the players,
now you're just wearing some young boy's work shirt.
(audience laughing)
You don't know that boy.
Why are you wearing his work clothes?
(audience laughing)
It's strange, we go into a store.
We go, "Hello good, sir.
I'll take that young boy's work shirt.
(audience laughing)
What do I have going on tonight?
Glad you asked, I'm gonna dress up
like this athletic young boy that I admire,
(audience laughing)
the one that I watch on the TV,
I'm gonna show up at his job,
I'm gonna show up at his place of business
cosplaying as him. (audience laughing)
What am I gonna do while he works his shift?
Well, I'm gonna get hammered.
I'm gonna get shit faced,
barely gonna be able to stand by the end of his shift,
and then I'm gonna tell all the boys
who work at the baseball factory in the other city
what disgusting little pigs I think they are
(audience laughing)
so me and my dad have something to talk about."
(audience laughing and cheering)
I love sports though 'cause it's the only way
that I can explain really complex ideas
to very stupid people,
and I'm not saying all sports fans are dumb,
I'm saying all dumb people are sports fans, you feel me?
(audience laughing)
It's my Rosetta Stone for morons so it's great,
and I was recently at a sports bar.
There was a gentleman.
I used the term very loosely, but there was a gentleman
(audience laughing)
who didn't understand why cat calling isn't a thing
that you should do to another person,
and I usually have a rule with verbs.
If it has an animal's name in it,
don't do it to a stranger,
(audience laughing) right?
Don't cat call a stranger, don't leapfrog a stranger,
don't hog tie a stranger. (audience laughing)
It's a very good rule, it's never once betrayed me,
but this jabroni at the end of the bar,
he's got the audacity to question the rule
and he goes, "Oh if a woman's dressed like that,
she wants attention."
Very stupid thing for this fellow to say,
and I scan him up and down.
I see he's got his little football shirt on
(audience laughing)
of his favorite little quarterback boy,
(audience laughing)
and I did what I thought I was supposed to do,
I grabbed him by his jersey and I threw him to the ground,
and when he got up, he's white hot, he's mad.
He goes, "What the hell was that for?"
I go, "Well, with the way that you were dressed."
(audience laughing and cheering)
He didn't appreciate that.
I told him he should smile more, and he really,
(audience laughing and cheering)
he didn't like that.
Any of you guys sluts?
(audience cheering)
If you're pro-slut make some noise, hey!
(audience cheering)
Even the amateur ones can clap along too.
Hey, why not?
What's this slut shaming business about,
have you seen this?
They're shaming the sluts?
You keep it up, they're gonna stop!
(audience laughing)
And you're gonna have a much bigger problem on your hands,
a bunch of angry, horny people chasing you
through the streets, knock it off.
All the best people in my life are sluts,
even if they're not actively slutting.
I think, you know the hoe is where the heart is, right?
I don't think you can be a former slut.
I think it's sort of like being a marine or an alcoholic.
(audience laughing)
You're always one 'cause of the things you saw.
(audience laughing)
You look at the history books
all the best women in history were sluts.
You got Cleopatra
and all the other women they wrote about
in the history books.
(audience laughing)
Some people will say Nancy Reagan now,
and listen, I bet that lady sucked a lot of dick,
I don't believe she sucked it well.
(audience cheering)
Well, I don't believe she sucked it well for a second.
I think if we saw game footage of Nancy Reagan,
it'd be like watching Bob Cousy play basketball,
(audience laughing)
where you'd just be like,
she couldn't keep up with today's game.
(audience laughing and cheering)
That joke's called trickle down my chin economics.
(audience laughing) Hey now, oh no.
I think one of the worst instances
of slut shaming in history, the Salem Witch Trial.
You know that had to be motivated by that.
Oh, Goody Williams is making my pants levitate.
You got a hard on, bud.
Take some fucking accountability.
(audience laughing) Ridiculous.
The worst thing about the Salem Witch Trials is
I bet we lost a lot of baddies.
(audience laughing)
I bet we lost a lot of thiccems to the Salem Witch Trial.
They're throwing 'em in the tank.
"Oh, she's floating, she's a witch!"
Buddy, she's got fat titties and a fat ass.
(audience laughing)
That ain't witchcraft, bubba,
that's just buoyancy.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Get a physics book you stupid Pilgrim, come on.
(audience laughing)
I was walking around Hollywood the other day
and we got we got horse cops in Los Angeles,
cops on top of horses, you seen this?
Whose idea was this?
(audience booing)
I'll get there.
(audience laughing)
I have a feeling you're gonna like this one.
(audience laughing)
Who looked at these two things and was like,
we gotta megazor these two fuckers.
We gotta put them together.
Horses and cops, we gotta.
Who looked at this animal, right?
Who looked at this short tempered animal,
this short tempered, easily startled animal
and said, "I've got a brilliant idea.
Why don't we put a bunch of them on horses?"