I was running out here because, what's his name, Twitch--
Twitch was on the TikTok, and he was talking to his TikTok
people, and I was talking with him to the TikTok people.
And then, before I knew it, here she is now, and then I wasn't.
I wasn't here at all.
I was there.
Anyway, how's everybody doing?
[APPLAUSE]
Good, good.
Oh, good, the puppy is even saying
the puppy is good, the little Saint Bernard puppy
or whatever that is.
It's cute.
So March is here, and I can't believe--
this year has just flown by.
Is it over?
OK.
It's not March, is it?
It doesn't end with March?
OK.
With December?
I know that.
So no, what March is spring is right around the corner.
That's what March means.
And it means spring cleaning.
Who's going to be spring cleaning for--
yep?
Some people.
Some people shaking their head no.
Are you at least planning on taking down
the Halloween decorations?
Who's doing that?
People leave Halloween decorations.
I understand Christmas kind of because it's festive.
But Halloween deco-- really?
I'm off course today.
Anyway, for those of you who are doing spring cleaning,
I'm going to give you some cleaning hacks.
Because these are interesting to me.
Their little tricks that you can use for tough cleaning
projects, like getting the wine stains out of your carpet,
or getting the wine stains out of your couch,
or getting the wine stains out of your bed,
or getting wine stains out of the chair
that you're sleeping in because your couch and your bed
have wine stains on them.
I see you're drinking wine when I'm saying it.
I like it.
Here's the first cleaning hack.
Don't have kids.
According to a survey that I conducted
talking to three of my staff members with kids,
children cause 95% of the world's messes.
That's a study I conducted.
And I don't have kids, so I don't have to clean that often.
But when I do have to clean, it's
because it's my own damn fault or because Porsche
got her markers out and drew on the walls again.
Speaking of markers, here's a hack.
These are all true.
They're helpful.
You can use cheap hairspray to get ink out of fabric.
This is great if you're the type of person who
writes with an old-fashioned inkwell with a tiny feather
or something like that, and you have a huge perm to care for.
But here's the thing.
What you do is you spray the ink,
let it sit for a few minutes, and then rinse the stain away.
But it only works with cheap hairspray
that has alcohol in it.
It does not work with expensive hairsprays like Gorilla Glue
or whatever kids are using, OK?
All right.
Another cleaning hack is you can use a grapefruit dipped
in sugar to clean the shower.
And I learned this on TikTok, so it must be true.
You take the half of the grapefruit and the salt--
I mean sugar--
I know what I'm saying Andy.
I'm the one with the hacks.
The citric acid cuts through the soap scum,
and then it gets the job done very quick.
But you have to take a break every once in a while
because the grapefruit squirts in your eye.
My eye!
[GROANS]
And then, you can use also, listen to this,
coke to remove all oil stains in your garage.
Here's how it works.
You do some coke, and you stay up all night,
and you scrub, and scrub, and scrub till the coke wears off.
No, what you do, you poor room-temperature Coca-Cola
on the stain and let it sit overnight.
And then the next day, you have no more oil stains
plus you have thousands of ants and bees.
Tune in next week when I tell you how
to get rid of ants and bees.
Here's one more interesting tip.
Did you know that you can use a walnut
to get scratches out of wood?
There are oils in a walnut that absorb into the wood
and make it look like new.
Someone's shaking her head.
She knew that.
Andy, do you have any scratches on your wood furniture at home?
I'm sure we do.
All right, well, you go home, and you
rub a nut against your wood.
OK?
That was a dirty joke about cleaning.