- You can't get PTSD from emotional abuse.
I mean, that's what they said, we say differently.
(upbeat music)
Hello, I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
- I'm, Alicia Decker co-founder of Mended Light.
- And this is Therapists Say,
so we reached out to our viewers to say,
what are some of the worst things
that a therapist has ever said to you?
And one person wrote to us that their therapist said,
that they couldn't get PTSD
because they only went emotional abuse.
The therapist's argument was, you weren't physically abused.
You weren't sexually abused.
You didn't almost die, you weren't in war.
You know, all these things that people
typically associate with PTSD.
So he says, what you have is not PTSD.
I don't agree with that,
but I can see why he said it because there's a lot of people
in the psychological community who would say war,
witnessing a death, almost dying yourself, physical abuse,
sexual abuse, like the high physical danger.
And that is literally the only thing
that causes post-traumatic stress disorder.
We disagree, why is that?
- I think the question is, how do you define trauma?
Right, what is trauma?
And on a very basic level,
I would say you viewed the world one way,
something happened in your life,
and then you viewed the world in a completely different way.
That can be a traumatic experience.
And Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Like you have a need to be safe.
You have a need to be connected.
And if you are not safe or connected,
because you are emotionally abused,
that is absolutely traumatic.
It is just as important as food, water, sleep.
- And part of that, I know we talk
a lot here at Mended Light
about you believed your world was safe
and then you discovered that it's not,
but some people never had a safe world.
I mean, they were born into emotional abuse.
They were born into trauma.
They were born being told that they were nothing,
being told that they were worthless.
They were unwanted, that they were unloved,
with high amounts of criticism and personal attacks,
with yelling, with shouting, with screaming,
with threats that may never even come to pass physically,
but the threats are still there.
And the fear is still there.
- It's called adverse childhood experiences,
quite often known as ACE.
And this test was developed decades ago.
And prior to the seventies really,
like prior to the Vietnam war,
like so little was understood about trauma.
And then the post-traumatic effects
that affect us in trauma.
- You were talking about, if we don't feel safe,
that can be traumatic, and when we look.
- Look at that, what now?
- Emotional disorder, mental disorder,
when we look at things that people struggle with,
it's really things that everybody goes through,
but dialed up so high
that it gets in the way of your ability to function,
to connect other people, to work, to study,
to go after your goals,
or just to feel happy,
just to experience the full gamut of emotions.
Instead, you're stuck in anxiety,
you're stuck in fear, you're stuck in sadness.
And for people who experienced emotional abuse growing up,
when we talk about PTSD, let's go through what PTSD,
post traumatic stress disorder is.
You mentioned not feeling safe, right?
And that can happen in one big event
or that can happen across time.
And if it happens across time,
it may be referred to as complex PTSD.
But the symptoms are the same,
that you live in fear, that the world doesn't feel safe,
that physically and physiologically.
And you know a lot about this, maybe even more than I do,
there's hypervigilance, there's hyper arousal.
There's always being on guard.
There's an increased startle response, there's nightmares,
there's waking memories, there's flashbacks,
there's avoidance of things that might remind you
of what you went through,
which can get in the way of living your life.
If you're avoiding feeling things,
if you're avoiding places or people,
and you're letting your fear dominate you,
and that absolutely 100% can be caused by emotional abuse.
- So often in another symptom,
if what you experienced was abuse in childhood.
So often your energy and your effort
goes into not doing the things that would provoke an abuser.
And so you aren't in tune with what your own needs are,
with what your own wants are,
or even with taking care of yourself,
your energy, your effort, your focus
goes into making sure that the people around you,
even if the people around you aren't abusers,
your focus goes into making sure
your environment around you is safe.
And that's where the people pleasing, the suppressing
your own needs, not expressing your voice shows up.
- Can't relax.
Can't enjoy yourself, can't be you.
You don't even know who you are
because you don't have a you to go back to.
And so like when we experience trauma in adulthood,
you have a foundation of who you are,
of safety to go back to prior to that trauma,
if you experienced childhood trauma.
And if you want to know,
if that's not something you're sure you've experienced,
you can Google about ACE test, ACE score,
and you can find a doctor or the resources
to take one of those tests and see
where you score on that.
But statistically, up to 75% of adults,
of people have had adverse childhood experiences.
And if those were severe adverse childhood experiences,
that's where you didn't have the time in your life
to build that foundation of who you are
and what safety looks like
and being safe in your own world,
in your own life and your energy,
your effort has been put into controlling your environment
around you in such a way that you can survive.
And when all your energy and effort is put into surviving,
instead of thriving, that's not really a life.
And, so you will need to learn as an adult,
for the first time in your life
what safety looks like and literally reprogram your brain,
your nervous system, how you respond,
all of it to a place of safety.
- So with that, let's talk for a minute
about the journey into healing,
because I think part of that process is,
you mentioned not knowing who you are.
There's no youth to go back to, is figuring that out.
And I like to tell people when they say
in my therapy office, you know, I don't know who I am.
My response is always who do you want to be?
Because we create that.
I mean, there's part of our identity
that is innate, that's within us.
That is, you know, you might say spiritual,
kind of who we are that's always been there,
but a huge part of our identity is who we choose to be.
It's who we create.
And so part of therapy is helping people
to create their identity,
helping people to say, I was told I was worthless.
I was told that I was useless, I was told I was unloved.
I am pushing that away.
And I'm taking back that I have worth,
that I am useful, that I am lovable.
- An often overlooked symptom of trauma
is feeling like you don't have a choice,
is feeling like whatever traumatic event happened,
that you were the victim in that circumstance.
Almost on an unconscious level.
That belief is perpetuated throughout the rest of your life.
So even being with a friend or a therapist,
or just in a safe place,
and having that realization that I have a choice,
who I am is who I choose to be,
or who I choose to become is huge.
- You helped me to see something so powerful, which is,
I always saw the journey from, you know,
victimhood to I'm an advocate and I'm a survivor.
And I always saw that as like,
that's the empowering narrative, right?
Is that I reclaim, I'm not a victim.
I'm somebody who survived this
I'm somebody who helps others who've gone through this.
And I always kind of saw that maybe shortsightedly
as the end of the line is like, that's awesome.
You've turned this into something empowering.
And you helped me to see that it goes beyond that.
It goes into actually having a life
and choosing a life beyond the trauma,
which isn't to say the trauma didn't happen,
or it's not part of, you know,
your psychological makeup and your history,
but that if I'm an advocate and a survivor,
I'm still defined by my trauma.
- You're still grabbing, gathering your strength,
your worth as a person.
- It's all like the gravitational pull
is all still towards the trauma.
And what happens if okay, I can be an advocate,
I can be a survivor, but I'm also a husband.
I'm also a father and mother, brother, sister,
or I do this in the community,
or I do this for a profession,
or this is the dream that I'm chasing.
And to me, that's ultimate recovery,
is I can have the life that I choose to have.
And the person who hurt me tried to take that away.
Whether consciously or not, that's what was going on.
And I'm seizing that, and you helped me to see that.
And that was, you're freaking awesome.
- Oh, thanks.
(laughing)
- So if you've enjoyed what we've been doing
here at Mended Light, if you know somebody
who has been emotionally abused,
maybe that's you, let us know in the comments,
what you've been through and how you're coping with it
and how you're getting through.
And what's helped you.
If you know somebody who's been through that,
please share this video with them
because you know what it's like,
you know what it's like, where you need light,
where you need support.
We also wanna invite you to check out our video,
Sexual abuse is your fault, they said, it's not,
but that's another stupid thing
that some therapist out there said.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Now we wanna make sure,
'cause we're putting a lot of heart and soul
into these videos, that if you're digging them,
that you don't miss anything.
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- Ding dong.
(laughing)
And remember to keep shining, we need your light.
- [Man] Babe, what is that?
- [Woman] It's a video.
- [Man] I want to click it.
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