Where do I start with Can of Worms?
Just imagine you're channel surfing and suddenly, you come across this:
"Don't move and put your appendages behind your back!"
"Admit nothing. Did he read you your rights?"
"Time for an explanation and it better be good!"
"It will, officer. Of that, I can assure you."
Those are just the tablescraps of insanity that this special has to offer.
It's the craziest goddamn thing I've ever seen.
I mean, it's absolutely ludicrous.
And dumb.
And not good.
And...I...
I don't even have the words for it.
The story, if you can call it that, centers around a kid named Michael.
Just listen to a couple seconds of him.
"Thousands of spaceships bristling with force-fields and weapons surrounded the planet, that in motion would be doomed!"
"Doomed?"
"Doomed."
Yep, that's the kind of performance you gotta put up with this whole film.
You see, Michael is a bit of a nerd, so much so that he believes he's from another planet.
Yeah, not make-believes, believes believes.
He constantly tells stories to this little kid and he acts like it's real.
He tells himself that he can't be, but he can't help but shake the feeling that maybe he is.
But put that on the back-burner for about 40 minutes.
Yeah, there's no talk of aliens, or anything like that, for 40 minutes in this hour and 20 minute movie.
Instead, we focus on how he sucks at football.
Yet the lead cheerleader, of course, falls in love with him and asks him to help her put together all the decorations for the Halloween dance.
He uses all his computer skills and nerdy technology to make it a big hit, but the BULLIES sabotage it, causing him to run out in a panic.
What does he do?
He goes to his giant space satellite--you know, like every kid has--and sends out a message to the universe that he is being held there hostage and wants to be taken to another galaxy.
Again, like most kids would.
"I fulfilled life nullified by the ignorant and cruel indigenous population of Earth."
Lightning strikes the satellite and he soon forgets about it, until a dog voiced by Malcolm McDowell arrives, telling him that he's from a non-profit organization that wants to take him to a world where he'll feel more comfortable.
But wait! It gets stranger! Soon other aliens start to arrive, for various reasons.
One wants to make a lawsuit out of him and sue the Earth.
Another wants to sell the rights to his story to make an intergalactic movie.
Another wants to be his agent, it just gets stranger and stranger.
But then, things get REALLY out of hand when one comes to kidnap him for a zoo, accidentally stealing his little friend.
And they have to go in and save him, while also saving one of the aliens he thought he was in the story he was talking about in the beginning.
Yeah, it looks like they're real.
How did he know about him? How does he know how to open their cage and use some of their devices?
It is never explained.
They never say whether or not Michael is an alien or a boy, they never explain how we got all this information--it just ends with him petting Malcolm McDowell dog behind the ears.
So, well, yeah. This is exactly as goddamn insane as it sounds.
I guess from the oddness of the story and kind of a satirical edge, you can maybe get a few jokes out of it.
Maybe there's some possibilities for it. It's just so damn strange.
But no, none of it goes together--the story is horrendous! The writing is ridiculous! All of the acting is over-the-top! None of it makes any goddamn sense!
The only thing kind of interesting about it is the design of the aliens.
I mean, I have to give credit. These are some pretty bizarre, out-there puppets.
But aside from that, I have no idea what I just watched.
This has got to be the friggin' weirdest thing Disney Channel has ever put on TV, and that's saying quite a bit!
Even by kid movie standards, it's ridiculous.
The first 40 minutes, almost nothing happens except you watch him get ready for this dance.
And then the rest of it is all this talk about lawsuits, and signing contracts, and stuff, that a lot of kids probably wouldn't follow it.
And it's, it's just stupid!
It's so stupid!
You just can't believe what you're watching half the time.
The only way I can think to describe it is: the Santa Claus Versus the Martians of Disney Channel movies.
It's not just bad, it's laughably bad and I think that even kids that watch it would know how dumb it is.
I guess, on that level, it's kind of entertaining.
I mean, how could anyone predict where ANY of this was going to go?
But, if you want something that's entertaining on say, a kid's level, an adult's level, a satirical level, a charming level, or performances that don't look like Walter Banasiak doing Zack Snyder, then this probably isn't the movie for you.
And if it is the movie for you?
Please kindly keep your distance from me.