Queen Elizabeth I was considered a grouchy old hag... but it's not her fault
that she has a heavy flow and a wide set vagina
she was so salty she probably had
well I'd like to thank you all for coming today to celebrate the life of my
dear aunt Bernice, a devoted wife and mother... Bernice was a pillar of this community
and she devoted so much of her time to this church It's wonderful to see so many of you here today
um it's obvious now just how many people she touched
J-J-J-J Jessie J... Stomp stomp I've arrived
my favorite pizza toppings... muscles, skin organs and fat... let's exhume grandma!
today's video is sponsored by The Gravy Yard - turn your dead uncle's hip replacement into a
functional stylish gravy boat. You may know me as YouTube's premier peddler of death information
but i'm also a British train conductor in 1932. Welcome to the third and final instalment in
our cannibalism of victorian hookers trilogy, I can't confer with my friend Dr. Judy Melinek
because she used my book to correct a short leg on a wonky table so I ate her liver with some fava
beans and a nice chian- We're here in New Orleans, "N'orlans" - I just flew over because I stuck my
nose out of my home in California and I could smell something rotting in this general area
No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside and I can't break through
New Orleans has a bunch of these above ground mausoleums not just because of the flooding, because I've stolen
all their shovels... Trivia time deathlings - I forgot where I buried grandma
Cremated bodies are ashhhh
this is but one of my visceral macabre details. In this presentation my bangs and I are talking
about how death at it's most extreme is as thrilling and quivering as finding an online
discount code for acrylic hoop earrings... We're not just here to wander around all the magnificent
cities of the dead, I heard there was a sale on at Old Navy. David and Bert, the survivors
of this 1956 airplane crash were different in how they approached cannibalism - they were
thoughtful, rational... dare I say sexy. What would an expert say is the worst way to die? Something
that is sudden and unexpected like inhaling really fast in an Ikea and swallowing a blender... or a
There are underwater corpses in dark claustrophobic environments - an idea which
informs most of my nightmares...
that and being crushed by a giant pendant.
Warmer water allows bacteria to grow inside bodies making them bloat and then float... which is way more fun
you can't see today's pendant because it slipped beneath the murky waters where I too would meet my end
if it weren't for these life preservers on my earlobes. When people picture a dead body it's
usually a Kardashian... but her enormous bloated sphincter mouth is probably closed and that's a
body that's usually been worked on - just like in life her mouth is probably agape with
a really low pitched fart coming out of it. As a mortician it's my job to close the pie hole
which is naturally achieved with Gorilla Glue... even though when people ask me how
I close mouths my answer first and foremost is "Caitlin stop dropping jaws"
Introducing my debut perfume "Charred livers or somethin'" ...Lake Superior is a lot like me on a first date, once
she gets you she's not giving you back. She also never gives up her dead which suits me just fine
I've sailed Lake Superior a number of times, but on February 1st 1974, I
had to be abandoned after my pumps took on way too much water... I'm often asked
if I'm tempted to draw on the decedent's face with a Sharpie and the answer is no...
A lot of UK sellers won't even ship body parts to the US because the laws are so vague, I've had
some British woman's thigh on my Amazon wish list for four months, what have I got to do to get the
thigh, someone just send me the thigh. Here's me in the tub and I'm about to come at you with my
brand new book which took me six years to write but is essentially four pages about how my
dog will consider eating my corpse but in the end will just sample my taint and then spit it out as
if at a fancy wine tasting in Ojai. Bury me in one of these to be nibbled at by crawfish... My Uncle Tim
actually does a really good impersonation of me uh he was on Project Runway - I personally don't
think he sounds anything like me... I- I don't get it Trivia time deathlings, grandma was in the freezer
Bodies would lay in oven crypts for up to one year before they were asked for rent
and they would rarely ever reply so it's kind of rude but they would just get thrown
out like sh*t on the side of the street... My funeral home is being investigated because I
presented a body where I switched the arms and the buttocks because I don't know my ass from my elbow
Ladies and gentlemen Mr Burt Bacharach! I watched Austin Powers the other day and I have not stopped
saying that for like a week now... oh welcome to this stage everyone's favourite mortician
Caitlin Doughty 'Ask a Mortician' that was her, that was her! Thank you for watching my 'Ask
a Mortician' parody my name is Olympia and as always I am your elegant hostess trolley
if you've never been here before, this is the first time you're visiting the Novympia lifestyle
'cult' then welcome, this is the kind of shett that we do. Done a number of these parodies now, quite a few,
they're love letters, they are in the spirit of appreciation for these people because I
adore these people (we've taken a few of them off because you wish you didn't bother putting the
effort in) but for the most part I love these people, I adore Caitlin of 'Ask a Mortician', if
you've never seen her channel then go and watch it because her approach to death is very
refreshing her content is very refreshing and she's just informative and charming and lovely,
so if you are viewing this right now Caitlin then I adore you - we've all
had a horrendous year, I imagine for you it would have been particularly hideous
so hopefully this may have given you a light smile. Like this t-shirt? Have a look. Clue, remember Clue?
BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COOK! If you're sort of considering leaving a comment down below saying
"you're so mean that's so mean-spirited"... everyone I've done these parodies for, they've liked them -
they've understood that it's in the spirit of appreciation, this is not me sh*tting on people,
this is me kind of like raising them up in a certain way, in my own little cute way
because you know... it's cute, it's sweet, it's- they're very good
...said no one. Claire Saffitz was the last parody that I did - if you want to go back and watch
that one she did reach out over instagram, she sent a very sweet message saying how much she
liked it so hopefully Caitlin will like this one as well - there's going to be a very short clip on
Instagram and Twitter as per usual if you'd like to share it, we can tweet Caitlin
and increase our chances that she might see it and/or react to it, who knows
but thank you for coming - stick around I have a very very special British lady on the list
for me to do next but please leave me a comment down below, who would you like to see?
and if you want to join the Patreon there will be a message afterwards about how to do that
and become an official cult member slash *rsehole née d*ckhead... ah cheers then!