- But I had to talk to one of my neighbours recently,
wasn't planning on doing that for ever, really.
(audience laughing)
Give us a cheer if you talk to your neighbours.
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you don't.
(audience cheering)
I had to talk to my neighbour because
we share a septic tank.
(audience laughing)
Now if you dunno what a septic tank is,
the fact that my neighbour refers to it as a sewerage tank
should give you a good indication of what's in it.
I've never seen the septic tank,
it's on her side of the fence.
I imagine they're in the ground, is that right,
does anybody know?
Thank you, I didn't know that so in my mind,
I pictured it as a skip on her drive with a lid on.
(audience laughing)
So when she came round to tell me it was nearly full.
(gagging) (audience laughing)
Because my neighbours quite little,
I pictured her lifting the lid on her tippy toes.
(audience laughing)
Oh, her IBS is playing up again, Gerald.
(audience laughing)
Push that one back in, it's bobbing out.
(audience laughing)
I do have IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
I also have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I like to put those collections of letters
at the end of my name and pretend I went to university.
(audience laughing)
So people think I'm educated rather than regularly shitting
my barren self.
(audience laughing)
One of my friends said to me, she said,
I can't always tell if you're about to tell me a secret
of you're sneaking out a fart.
(audience laughing)
I said, I've got no secrets.
(audience laughing)
It's all farts.
(audience laughing)
What you do find though,
if you have IBS and you're having a bad bout of IBS,
your farts are so horrific that if you do one in a room
where there are a lot of other people,
you don't get the traditional response of people
muttering to each other, had somebody just,
can you smell, has somebody just?
(audience laughing)
That's not what happens, what happens is
somebody puts their hand on your arm and says,
are you all right?
(audience laughing)
But I went for a walk a couple of months ago
with a friend of mine, lovely walk we were having
but I had really bad guts that day, really bad
and I did a fart and I knew it was a bad one
because it was hot.
(audience laughing)
And I thought I'd got away with it,
but then my friend looked up and sniffed at the same time.
(audience laughing)
Like a quizzical Bisto kid.
(audience laughing)
And then she looked at me and she went,
are we near a zoo?
(audience laughing)
I had piles once and (audience laughing)
I think most families have an area of medical expertise,
so maybe you've all got bad backs
so you know the tablets to take, the exercises to do,
that sorta thing, with my family, it's arseholes.
(audience laughing)
They're lovely people but wow, they are good with a bowel
and the day that I realised I had piles
I rang my dad, 'cause he's my arsehole phone a friend.
(audience laughing)
And I told him what was going on
and he said, right, and I thought,
this is what dad's do, isn't it?
That's what they say before they fix things, right.
And he went, what you need,
baths as hot as you can stand them,
Anusol cream on the rest of the time.
I said, thank you and I hung up,
I rang him back 20 minutes later, I said,
I'm having some trouble.
He said, what kinda trouble are you having?
I said, I cannot really see what I'm doing.
(audience laughing)
He said, I dunno what you mean.
I said, well I'm not supple enough to do it that way,
and I've got too much here to be able to get access
through there. (audience laughing)
And he went, right, and I thought again,
he's gonna fix it. (audience laughing)
And he said, what you need is one of those mirrors
that the police use for looking for bombs under cars.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
But the day that I realised I had piles
I was meeting a friend for lunch
and I'm so rubbish at keeping secrets
that she'd barely said hello and I just blurted it out,
I've got piles.
(audience laughing)
And her response is the best response you can ever hope for
if that happens to you in the future,
'cause I went, I've got piles and she went, so have I
and we high tenned and went to the pub.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and that's very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk, thanks.