Hello, my Beautiful Watchers.
Now, you're probably wondering why on Earth would I choose to drag my suffering
over being forced to review Fifty Shades of Grey out over multiple episodes.
Well, I did a bit of research and a few experiments on Twitter
and it seems that Fifty Shades of Grey is one of those books that everyone knows by reputation
but few people have actually read. At least in the circles I move in.
I, uh, don't imagine sexually frustrated middle-aged housewives make up a huge part of my audience.
Because of this I've discovered that while most people I've asked can tell me that it started life as
Twilight fanfiction, that it was allegedly written on a Blackberry and so riddled with spelling and
grammatical errors, a whole team of editors failed to find and correct them before the first edition,
very few of those people could give me a 100% accurate idea of what actually goes on in the book.
So it seems I'm going to need to give the official backstory of the book
followed by a quick synopsis to bring everyone up to speed before I can move onto the real reviews.
The things I do for you people.
Both of these things should go without saying but
spoiler warning, and obviushly I'm going to be talking about quite dirty stuff
so if you're under 18 or just feeling particularly prudish today, maybe give it a miss.
Fifty Shades' rise to popularity is, I think, one of the most frustratingly ineffable mysteries of the modern era
For everything I understand about its appeal, there's a dozen things I find actively off-putting
Many people claim that this book is so hilariously poorly written that it's fun to read
in the same way that it's fun to watch so-terrible-they're-good movies like The Room or Birdemic
If I were just reading the sex scenes aloud with my friends doing funny voices or riffing it
I might have been inclined to agree
However as you will learn in the review video the rest of the book contains such horrifically terrible messages
and disturbing implications I find myself quite unable to enjoy it on *any* level
It was in fact quite a grueling task getting through this
The other really confusing thing about this book is the apparent unspoken universal decision
that it does not 'count' as porn. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying porn is the problem, I LOVE porn
I don't have an eight digit passcode on my phone because I'm worried my mother will accidentally see my holiday snaps
But, like I said, everyone just decided that this book, which contains detailed and lengthy
descriptions of the feel and taste of a man's cock in one's mouth is not porn
Little old ladies read this book on the bus, people took it to their workplace and left it on their desk in plain view,
mothers read it in front of their preteen children
With no other highly sexual form of entertainment would this have been acceptable
Again, as an avid porn lover I'm not judging, I'm just slightly flabbergasted by the societal double standard
Sorry I probably should be saving that sort of thing for the review section
In the meantime here is the very basic "plot" to Fifty Shades of Grey
Anastasia Steele-
(*Dom cringe) Gods the names in this~
- is a 21 year old English literature student in her final year at Washington State University in Vancouver
Her self image is that of one of very average attractiveness, a possibly unfair opinion brought on by
inferiority complex towards her roommate and best friend Kate,
a tall gorgeous confident blonde with family money
Ana apparently skipped puberty because, despite her age, she has never felt sexually aroused
towards anyone before, or even felt inclined to masturbate at any point in her whole life
The story starts with her friend Kate, the editor the university newsletter begging her to fill in for her
in a once-in-a-lifetime interview she's managed to arrange with a local millionaire business entrepreneur
named Christian Grey, but cannot perform herself due to a sudden illness
Despite Anna being embarrassingly awkward and timid, even physically falling over herself in their first meeting
Grey seems to take an immediate and powerful interest in her
providing her with his personal phone number, turning up at her place of work (supposedly by coincidence),
agreeing to a photo shoot for her, and sending her inappropriately expensive gifts
Due to his extreme good looks and charm, Ana quickly becomes hopelessly infatuated with him
But he seems to flip-flop on the idea of them dating, inviting her out for coffee
but then warning her to stay away from him
After successfully finishing her college exams Anastasia goes out for a celebratory drink with her friends
and drunkenly called Grey to ask him about his behaviour. Grey has an oddly...intense and horrified
reaction to her being intoxicated and demands to know where she is
When she refuses to tell him he tracks her cell phone so he can find her
0_0
She steps outside a bar for a minute and her male friend José drunkenly attempts to force a kiss on her
Grey arrives just in time to ward him off and witness Ana vomit on the pavement.
This is arguably the only time that Grey has a positive effect on the story
It's still pretty much boils down to "Unhand that lady if anyone's going to take advantage of her it's going to be meeeee!"
What a hero
Ana wakes up the next day in Grey's hotel room, he tells her that they didn't have sex
but he is no longer able to resist her so invites her to visit him in his home
They travel there in his personal helicopter that he pilots himself
This is where Ana starts ignoring red flags because the first thing that Grey asks her to do is
sign a nondisclosure agreement specifying she can't tell anyone that they're dating
or about anything that goes on with him
She signs it w i t h o u t r e a d i n g i t f i r s t
because she's turned on for the first time in her life and really hoping for some rich hot guy loving, but
Grey shows her that a relationship with him would involve some very specific sexual and lifestyle
requirements as he has a secret room in his house filled with sex toys and restraints
He gives her a contract to look over that specifies what he would require from her as a lover
Basically she has to submit to being his 24-hour sex slave and give him complete control over every aspect
of her life when they are together or apart, and let him punish her with violence if she disobeys him in any way
There's also a stipulation that she's never allowed to touch him because he really really, really hates that
However upon discovering that she is still a virgin he decides it might be better to start with some "vanilla sex"
as he called it and they do the nasty then and there
The next morning she gives him a blowjob in the bathtub, followed by more sex
then Grey's adopted mother turns up unannounced. She sems to like Ana, although apparently
she's just relieved that Grey isn't homosexual as she's never seen her son with a girl before
Grey drives her homes with a long-form version of the contract read over and sends her a top-of-the-line
computer specifically so she can research the kind of things he wants her to agree to do
Most of what she sees online makes her feel physically ill at the idea of having to do it
Ana makes up with José because apparently not returning his calls for two days is more than
sufficient punishment for him trying to force himself on her. In fact she feels bad for even doing that much
As soon as he's got her forgiveness José immediately becomes jealous and whiny about her relationship with Grey
All of these characters are scum :D
After thinking it over for a day or so Ana jokingly sends Grey a message telling him that she's not interested
which he doesn't realize is a joke. Deciding he's not going to take no for an answer
he comes around to her house unannounced to fuck her in the hopes that that will remind her of how great he is.
This is one of the only times the book itself seems aware of how manipulative Grey is
as even Ana can't miss that he's attempting to use sex as a weapon
After the hanky-panky Grey gets annoyed at Ana for rolling her eyes at him and demands to spank her
Terrified that a refusal to let him do this would mean an immediate end to their relationship she unhappily
submits to letting him slap her hard on the ass.
She finds it marginally arousing but also painful and degrading
Afterwards he immediately leaves and she cries and has to call her mother for emotional support
Later that night they're emailing and Gray is surprised to hear that his assault and that immediate abandonment
had upset her so it returns to spend the night with her
Grey tells Ana that one of his Adoptive Mother's friends made him her sub for six years starting when he was 15
She takes an immediate dislike for the woman who she mentally dubs Mrs. Robinson
I would have been impressed by the reference, but the book immediately ruins it by explaining that it's from The Graduate
I'm assuming E. L. James wanted to make sure you didn't miss that she's a classic movie buff.
Ana graduates and moves into a new home with Kate while Grey constantly tries to get her to sign
the contract and objects and argues about any amendments she tries to make
On Graduation Day he meets her former stepfather who she thinks of as a real father and
charms him with his wit and style.
Grey gets a look at Anna's car and forces her to let him sell it and buy her a new one
over her objections as she was fine with the original and emotionally attached to it
Later, they go to dinner with his adoptive family. Anna makes an offhand comment that she's
considering going to Georgia for a few days to see her mother, which sends Grey into so much of a rage
he drags her off to punish her for daring to make this decision without consulting him
*deep Dom breath*
For some reason (I can only assume some sort of botched lobotomy in her past)
Ana continues to like Grey so they narrow down what the contract would have to be for her to sign it
I really have to point out that all this time Grey has been acting like she's already signed it and attempting to
control and dominate her in all things
But all Ana can think about is how handsome Gray is, and how much she enjoys sex with him and how perfect
he would be if it wasn't for the fact that he's a sociopathic control freak stalker!
I'm paraphrasing, but not by much that's the scary thing
Ana eventually wants to know Grey's backstory so badly she trades letting him spank her again for information.
He adds sticking some metal balls up her hoo-ha into the bargain, then he explains that his biological
mother was a crack whore. His words.
It all gets a bit much for Ana so she decides she's definitely going to go and visit her mother in Georgia
Grey asks if he can come too but she explains the whole point is to get some space from him and think things over
So he follows her to Georgia and turns up at the bar where she's having some drinks with her mother
*bang bang bang kablam*
Nooope
*many more bangs*
*clears throat*
Thanks for waiting
I feel much better now
Apparently her sending him a text message saying 'I miss you wish you were' here was all the excuse
he needed to ACTUALLY turn up there
He charms her mother so thoroughly that she actually suggests that Ana go back with him to his hotel room to talk things out
She does, but they just end up having sex instead because that's what Grey does every time
he wants to avoid discussing an issue
The next morning before dawn he takes her up in a glider and they actually have quite a nice time.
Grey suggests maybe they could do this sort of thing more often.
It turns out Grey had lunch with his old dom Mrs. Robinson the night before and
something she had told him and made him decide to try proceeding without a contract
He still wants to do all the kinky sex stuff and punishment, but apparently he's willing to
ease off the complete control over her life (or at least willing to keep trying to do it without written consent)
They were planning to have a barbecue with her parents, but he has to rush off the deal with some
never explained emergency with his company
When she gets home too Grey immediately starts trying to dominate her again,
making her kneel in the corner of the sex room and then flogging her
She sort of doesn't mind at this time, but is mostly still in it for the sex, not the pain.
The next day Grey decides he's gonna spank her again
and she finally gets around to telling him that she's really not into it.
She has to use such simplistic language too - it's like
"You know how you feel about being touched?"
"That's how I feel about you HITTING me"
This comes as a genuine shock to the fucking moron.
Ana decides the only way to know for sure if they are compatible is to let him go all out on her
and see if she can take it, so she gives him a free hand to do whatever he likes to her
He proceeds to beat her on the ass with a belt and it's
so horrible and shocking for her, she finally dumps him and lives happily ever after
~Just kidding~
It is indeed horrible and shocking for her,
but instead of dumping him she tells him that she's fallen in love with him
But because she can't live with these punishments, and he can't live without them, she storms off
and the book just sort stops there
There isn't really any sort of an ending to the book
I mean, I know it was always intended to be a trilogy
But it really does just sort of peter out without any sort of conclusion
Large sections of this book take the form of emails between Ana and Grey
ranging from negotiations about amendments of the contracts, arguments, threats,
and painfully un-erotic flirting.
You can totally tell that neither of these people have ever been in a relationship before
A goodly amount of the rest of the book is given over to the notorious sex scenes
Not massively relevant, I know, but I just have to mention for the sake of my sanity
that despite Ana's claims that Grey is a master of all things sex, once he's done with all the foreplay
and actually starts fucking her he consistently never seems to last for more than a minute or so.
I know this because the sex scenes never time jumped, each and every one is described in real time.
Anna is probably under this misconception partly because she's never been with another man,
and also because she is the most easily sexually satisfied woman in the universe
He touches her nipple, she comes. He rubs her ass, she comes. He lightly taps her hand with a riding crop and she comes.
She's basically the staff counterpart to the Lonely Island
Subplots include Kate starting a relationship with Grey's little brother
Ana feels constant jealousy that they seem to have the mutually respectful stress-free relationship
that she wishes she had with Christian
There's also one about Anastasia getting a job with a publishing company which confused me at the time
because it seemed to go absolutely nowhere after spending quite a lot of time on it
But then I found out that that set up for something that's going to happen in the sequel
So that's the basic plot to fifty Shades of Grey
I know I've got quite subjective here
So apologies for that this just isn't the kind of book that easily lends itself to impartial analysis
If it helps this is NOTHING compared to how mad I'm going to be getting in the next episode where I'm
actually reviewing the book and discussing the messages and implications behind it
See you soon, Beautiful Watchers.
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