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- [Narrator] Hi there, Psych2Goers.
Before we begin, we would like to thank you
for the love and support you've given to our channel.
Psych2Go's mission is to make psychology
and mental health knowledge more accessible to everyone,
and you help us a lot along the way.
So, thank you.
We appreciate you all.
Merriam-Webster's definition of a people-pleaser is
"a person who has an emotional need to please others,
often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires."
We all like being well-liked.
But if your desire of being liked costs you your needs
and wellbeing, maybe it's time to ask yourself why.
Usually, people-pleasing behavior begins during childhood.
You might've grown up
in a codependent parent-child relationship,
where your wellbeing depended on whether or not
your parent was happy,
or you were the peacekeeper of the house.
Both are large responsibilities for a child,
and often trigger significant mental and emotional strain.
When you dedicate a significant portion of yourself
to other people's happiness,
you abandon your own needs and your authentic self.
However, you are just as important as any other person,
and should dedicate the same amount
of care and effort towards yourself.
Here are a few steps you can take to stop people-pleasing
and become more comfortable in putting yourself first.
Number one, validate yourself.
Basing your self-worth off of someone else's opinions
can harm your self-esteem.
This can lead to viewing yourself in a lesser light
and can make you prone to bouts of anxiety and depression.
When your worth is determined by others,
you can lose control of who you are.
As a result, learning to validate yourself
is a powerful tool to stop people-pleasing.
Take some time to reflect on yourself with interest,
curiosity, and respect.
When you learn how to separate what others say about you
from what you think, you can have more confidence
and draw validation from yourself.
Thus, when you have an idea of why you aim to please others,
you can validate and meet your own needs.
In doing so, you're valuing yourself,
your opinions, and your existence,
and no longer wait for someone else to meet them for you.
Number two, say no.
Doling out a flat-out rejection can be intimidating.
Maybe you avoid it because you don't want them to feel bad.
But saying no doesn't always mean you'll face a bad outcome.
Sometimes a little bit of authenticity goes a long way.
And more often than not, you will find
that the other person will be more than accommodating.
If you're still afraid to say no,
you can offer a compromise.
If someone invites you to a dinner date
but you don't wanna go,
you can suggest dinner another time
or a coffee date instead.
That way, you can also be in a better mood or state
to meet up with that person.
Number three, take time for yourself.
There will be times
where you unintentionally agree to something,
whether it's because you're not used to saying no
or you were put on the spot to decide something.
If someone asks something of you or wants to meet up,
it's okay to tell them, "Let me get back to you."
Many events are not urgent.
So, the next time someone asks you,
remind yourself that it's okay to take some time to decide.
This phrase allows you to check in with yourself
or check with your schedule to make the best choice.
Number four, know where you're going.
Having a clear idea, goal,
or intention in mind can help you understand
what you're saying yes to in your life.
Take some time out of your week to evaluate
or reevaluate your short-term and long-term goals.
Questions you could ask yourself could include
where do I want to be in five years?
What am I doing right now to get there?
Doing so will help you narrow down the scope of things
you agree to do and help you say no to things
that might not help you move closer to your goals.
Number five, remove toxic people from your life.
There are various shades of toxicity.
But to summarize, a toxic person is someone
who does not respect your values and boundaries.
They overlook or overstep their lines,
whether it's by asking you
for things you're uncomfortable with
or that goes against your values,
or simply by expecting
that you'll make an exception for them.
If you have the gall to reject them,
they might gaslit you by making you feel bad.
Stay away from someone like this.
Number six, stop apologizing.
It's normal to apologize for something
when you make a mistake or are in the wrong,
but it's also good to stop apologizing for small things
and things that you don't have any control over.
Not being ready for your order when the waiter comes
or dropping a pencil on the floor doesn't require you
to apologize to others.
When you apologize in these situations,
you're invalidating your choice
and decision to stand up for yourself.
Instead, take some time and pause before apologizing.
Before you say sorry, stop and ask yourself,
"Have I actually done anything wrong here?"
Taking this time to think critically can make sure
that you're not undermining yourself too much.
It's a gift to want to be of service
and not an inconvenience to others.
But remember, you're not beholden to other people's demands.
Instead of saying sorry,
such as if you're late to a meetup with friends,
thank them for being so patient and for waiting for you.
You could also say excuse me, pardon me, or go ahead
instead of saying sorry.
Stop seeking your worth from others
and learn to live free of other people's expectations.
What's your experience of people-pleasing
and what methods do you use to reduce it?
Let us know in the comments below.
We'd love for you to share your experiences
and strategies with each other.
Thank you for watching this video,
and if you liked it, please leave us a like
and subscribe for more content like this.
Thank you so much and we'll see you in the next video.