Alright, so this story is a little disgusting
It's a story about my roommate Brewer and myself living in a house, infested with rats
Delicious!
Now, after all the haunted duplex shenanigans
Me and Brewer decided to move into an even shittier house
In the even shittier neighbourhood
And instead of dealing with demon ghosts, we get to deal with a bunch of disgusting-ass rats
I think I'd rather live with like a pissed-off orangutan
Or something like that instead
"Uh, Mr.Bubbles? Do you find if we watch Netflix in here?"
"HRHRHWRWHRWRHWHRW"
"Oh, God!"
*human and ape screams*
Now, when we moved in, we obviously didn't know that the house was infested
But after a couple of days, we started seeing tiny poop pellets in the kitchen
"Uhm, hey, have you been leaving little tiny turds around the house?"
"Uuuhm, no?"
"Huh! Well, I wonder what that's all about"
It wasn't until one night I was in the bathroom taking a dump
I look over, and I see the ass of a rat hanging out of the hole in the wall
Well, that's not something you want to see, while you're totally vulnurable, taking a poop
"Oh my God! What do I do? What do I do?!"
My first instinct was to grab a pair of scissors and cut its tail off
But then I was like: 'No, that's fucked up! That's like some Jeffrey Dahmer shit'
What the hell is the matter with you?
So in mid-poop, with my pants around my ankles, I open the door and yell:
"RATS, WE GOT RATS IN THE HOUSE! INVADING MY PRIVACY!"
Now, it's important to note, that this wasn't a mouse
Mouse is little, it's cute, it's friends with Donald Duck
People like mice
Rats, on the other hand, they're big, they're nasty
And they couldn't give two fucks about Donald Duck
Now, my bedroom in this house was on the bottom floor
So that means I could hear the rats outside my door all night long
Now, that's pretty damn disgusting
All I could think about was: 'Well, what the hell happens if one of them comes in here?'
"Hey..Hey, what's the password to your Netflix account?"
"We want to watch season four of Scrubs out there!"
I'd open my bedroom door, they'd all scatter every which way
But there was one big-ass rat that was like twice the size of any of the other ones
A goddamn thing was like half the size of Brewer's dog
It was the Megazord of rats
That goddamn thing looked like a boss from the Mortal Kombat game
It was not afraid of me at all
It'd just be staring at me like: "The fuck are you looking at?!"
"Why don't you get in the kitchen and make me some Bagel Bites?"
So needless to say we had a big problem on our hands
People stopped coming to our house and shit
"I'm not going over there, I don't want typhus"
Well, I'll be damned, if I'm gonna live up to my asshole in the bunch of rats
Desperate times call for desperate measures
So the next night I'm lying on the living room floor with the BB gun
I got the cupcake out of kitchen as bait, It's time to pull a Lee Harvey Oswald
And assassinate me a few rats
I actually got a real footage of this fantastic time of my life
Boom! Right there is the cupcake, buttercream frosting, it's delicious
And look who shows up Fat-ass rat looking to party
I take the shot
And I totally fuck it up
Well, Sam Lee Harvey Oswald I am
Jesus Christ, my ass wouldn't even hit the JFK's convertible, shooting like that
So let's slow the footage down and analyze it like some little rat Zapruder film
Here's the shot
And this goddamn rat does some Neo from the Matrix backflip bullshit
Over my goddamn bullet
Okay, so clearly the BB gun is not gonna work
Time to move on to rat poison
We sprinkle a bit of rat poison right on the front step of these assholes' house
And sure as hell the next day it's all gone They damn well licked that plate clean
Two days later I go into our basement and there's four dead rats on the ground
Alright, job well done. But wait a minute, where's that big bastard at?
That goddamn Megazord rat is nowhere to be seen
Two more days go by I'm sitting in my room, watching TV
And lo and behold, the Big Kahuna himself comes crawling across the floor in broad daylight
Like somebody's drunk uncle, and just dies right there in the middle of the living room
Here's the picture of that goddamn thing
I put a little Taco Bell packet in there, so you can get a reference of the size
But before we can celebrate, Brewer's dog prances on it
She sees that dead rat, she's like: "Oooh, what do we have here?"
"A dead rat? Full of disease and poison? Well, I better have a lick!"
*nom-nom-nom-nom*
Surely afterwards, I walk out there
See Brewer's dog making out with this rat carcass
The dog looks up on my like: "Well, I wasn't just gonna leave it there"
"I am a god, you stupid ass!"
So I panic, I call Brewer while he's at work
And I'm like:"Uuh, your dog was just licking a dead rat like an icecream cone"
"You got any last words you wanna say to her?"
But she was alright
We took her to a vet afterwards, and they gave her some medicine
"How about you don't let your dog eat dead rats?"
So our house was officially rat-free, nobody got typhus
And I could poop in peace again
The end.
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