♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND, MASTER OF THE HAM BONE, MR. JON
BATISTE.
SLAPPING HIS LEGS SO HARD THEY'VE TURNED BRIGHT PINK.
>> Jon: FUCHSIA.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE FUCHSIA.
>> Stephen: HEY, YOU KNOW, I REALLY ENJOYED TALKING WITH YOU
LAST NIGHT ABOUT JOHN LEWIS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: LOOKING AT THAT FOOTAGE FROM FOUR YEARS AGO OF
YOU TALKING TO HIM WHEN YOU GUYS WERE GETTING YOUR HAIR DONE --
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: -- I DON'T THINK OF YOU AS HAVING GROWN ANY
OLDER.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST STILL JON BATISTE, WHO I MET FIVE OR
SIX YEARS AGO, BUT, MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE A KID!
>> Jon: MAN...
>> Stephen: YOU WERE SO YOUNG AND VITAL.
BUT IN THAT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.
DID THAT STRIKE YOU LIKE THAT?
>> Jon: DEFINITELY.
IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE SHORT HAIR, BUT IT'S IN MY AURA.
A LOT OF STUFF HAS CHANGED OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
WE'VE GONE THROUGH A LOT.
>> Stephen: YES, WE HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) HAPPY TO HAVE DOPE IT WITH YOU.
>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: WELL, JON, YOU MIND PLAYING US OUT TO THE NEXT
ACT?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
I'VE GOT MY OLD PIANO RIGHT OVER HERE!
>> Stephen: YES, SIR.
♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
>> STEPHEN: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY FOLDING THE
BIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY INTO INDIVIDUAL DRAWERS AND SHELVES,
ROLLING UP EVERY TOPICAL SOCK, AND ARRANGING THE T-SHIRTS BY
COLOR IN THE PRISTINE KON-MAR CLOSET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN AWHILE, I LIKE TO DRAG A HALF-WET PILE OF TOPICAL
UNDERWEAR AND TOWELS OUT OF THE DRYER, BALL 'EM UP, AND LEAVE
EM' ON THE FLOOR TO FESTER INTO THE DANK, MOLDY CLOTHES PILE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINEWHILE!"
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JOHNNIE WALKER WHISKY WILL BE
SOLD IN PAPER BOTTLES NEXT YEAR."
AND YOU MAY BE SAYING, "BUT 80 PROOF BOOZE WILL EAT RIGHT
THROUGH A PAPER BOTTLE!" TO WHICH I SAY, "YOU'RE NOT
DRINKING IT FAST ENOUGH."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A TORONTO-BASED COMPANY IS
OFFERING NEW FASHION FORWARD HAZMAT SUITS FOR
AIR TRAVEL.
-- I SAID AIR TWAVEL.
I SHOULD JUST KEEP THE AIR TWAVEL IN.
I DON'T THINK THE JOKE WILL BE BETTER THAN THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) A TORONTO-BASED COMPANY IS
OFFERING NEW FASHION FORWARD HAZMAT SUITS FOR
AIR TRAVEL.
ALSO A GOOD EXCUSE WHEN YOUR SEAT-MATE TRIES TO MAKE SMALL
TALK.
"I'M SO SORRY!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE WE LIVE IN."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, FAST-FOOD CHAIN TACO BELL ANNOUNCED THAT
IT WILL BE RETIRING SOME MENU ITEMS.
"STARTING AUGUST 13" THEY WILL NO LONGER "THE 7-LAYER BURRITO,
NACHOS SUPREME, THE BEEFY FRITOS BURRITO TRIPLE LAYER NACHOS,
AND SEVEN MORE."
BUT DON'T WORRY, IF YOU ORDER ONE OF THESE ITEMS EVERY DAY
STARTING TOMORROW, YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO BE DEAD BEFORE
THEY'RE GONE.
ALSO, IF YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO THE PERSON WHO EATS THOSE ITEMS
ON YOUR PLANE, BE SURE TO GET ONE OF THESE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, MARK ZUCKERBERG PROMPTED MEMES AND
JOKES ONLINE AFTER A PICTURE OF HIM WITH TOO MUCH SUNSCREEN ON
HIS FACE MADE IT TO SOCIAL MEDIA.
OKAY, BEFORE WE SEE THE PICTURE, LET ME JUST SAY: SHAME ON YOU,
INTERNET.
JUST BECAUSE MARK ZUCKERBERG ISN'T THE MOST LIKABLE GUY, THAT
DOESN'T MEAN HE DESERVES TO BE MADE FUN OF FOR--
DEAR GOD!
WHAT IS THAT?
IS HE AUDITIONING FOR THE PART OF DATA?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE SCARING KIDS FROM A SEWER?
GOOD FOR HIM FOR ESCAPING THAT INVISIBLE BOX.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A CHEF HAS CREATED THE 'WORLD'S HEALTHIEST'
COOKIE WITH ALL FIVE DAILY SERVINGS OF FRUITS AND
VEGETABLES," WHICH "PACKS 12 GRAMS OF FIBER AND IS DESIGNED
TO HELP PEOPLE GET THEIR VITAL FIVE SERVINGS OF FRUIT AND
VEGGIES A DAY WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT."
AT 12 GRAMS OF FIBER, I THINK THEY'RE GONNA REALIZE IT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "MEN SHOULD LIMIT ALCOHOL TO 1 DRINK A DAY
EXPERTS SAY."
"I WILL FIGHT YOU, EXPERTS," MEN SAY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A COMPANY NOW MAKES CUSTOM SELFIE MASKS
THAT LOOK LIKE YOUR FACE," BY PRINTING THE LOWER HALF OF YOUR
SELFIE ON IT.
I WOULD DEFINITELY KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM YOU.
IT BEAUTIFULLY PAIRS A SMILING MOUTH WITH THE EYES OF SOMEONE
NOT SMILING, FOR A LOOK THAT SAYS, "ONE OF US IS REALLY GONNA
ENJOY YOUR MURDER."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GOING TO
CHANGE MY SHIRT, CUT MY HAIR, GO SEVERAL MONTHS BACK IN TIME,
AND THEN KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY AND I ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOME
MOVIES WE DID TOGETHER THAT "MAY BE COMING SOON."
STICK AROUND.
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