WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE MY FIRST
GUEST TONIGHT.
HE IS A HILARIOUS COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM BROADWAY'S "OH,
HELLO."
HE'S NOW ON HIS "KID GORGEOUS" COMEDY TOUR.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK!
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME?
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE BEEN HERE.
>> Stephen: THE THIRD TIME?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET IT THIS TIME.
>> YEAH, WE'LL BE CHARMING THIS TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOVELY JACKET.
VELVET?
>> YEAH, THIS IS BLACK VELVET.
THIS COLLECTED A LOT OF STUFF BACKSTAGE, BUT THEY ROLLED ME
OFF WITH TAPE, AND THEN I WALKED OUT, AND NOW I'M ON TV.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WE KNOW IT'S THE CHANGE OF SEASON WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE
BLACK VELVET OUT.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S AN OLD MEL TORME LINE.
"THE CHANGE OF THE SEASON IS WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE OLD
VELVET OUT."
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPER BUSY, SUPER BUSY.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
A YOUNG TALENTED MOON LIKE YOU.
>> THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
I HAVE BEEN ON TOUR SINCE MAY AND NOW IT'S GONE EVERY NIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GONE EVERY NIGHT?"
>> ON THE RIDE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ON THE ROAD AND THEN DADDY'S GONE.
>> I DON'T SAY "DADDY'S GONE."
THAT UPSETS PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
>> NO, I HAVE A DOG, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: THEN YOU SHOULD NOT SAY, "DADDY'S GONE.
OF IT WOULD BE WEIRD TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE, "DADDY'S GONE."
>> YEAH, WE'VE BEEN GONE-- WE-- I, HAVE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.
AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW MY ARTICLES OR PRONOUNS.
>> Stephen: SO, IT'S CALLED "KID GORGEOUS.
OF THE.
>> THE TOUR.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU "KID GORGEOUS"?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST A NAME.
I KEPT READING NAMES TO MY WIFE AT A RESTAURANT UNTIL SHE
LAUGHED, AND THAT WAS THE ONE SHE WENT WITH.
SHE LAUGHED A LOT AT "KID GORGEOUS," AND I SAID I GUESS IT
HAS TO BE THAT.
I LIKE OLD-FASHIONED THINGS, AND "KID GORGEOUS" --
>> Stephen: "KID GORGEOUS" SOUND LIKE YOU'RE A
MIDDLE-WEIGHT BOXER.
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: WHO IS FAMOUS FOR NEVER HAVING HIS NOSE BROKEN.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HE'S "KID GORGEOUS."
>> THERE WAS A MO ON THE SIMPSONS, WAS "KID GORGEOUS,"
THEN HE WAS "KID PRESENTABLE."
AND I WANTED IT TO BE CALLED "KID CHARLEMAGNE" AFTER THE
STEELY DAN SONG, BUT EVERYONE IN MY LIFE WARNED ME AGAINST THAT,
SAYING THAT WOULD BE LOST ON PEOPLE AND NOT BE AN EFFECTIVE
TOUR NAME.
>> Stephen: WHEREAS "KID GORGEOUS" HAS RESONANCE ALL
ACROSS AMERICA.
>> PEOPLE LIKE VANITY, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE COMING BACK TO NEW YORK FOR A FOUR NIGHTS AT
RADIO CITY, TOTALLY STOLE OUT.
>> FOUR SHOWS SOLD OUT, YEAH.
AND WE'RE ADDING A FIFTH NOW, SO, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT GREAT.
YOU HAVE PLAYED RADIO CITY BEFORE?
>> I HAVE NEVER PLAYED RADIO CITY.
>> Stephen: EXTRAORDINARY, EXTRAORDINARY HOUSE.
>> EXTRAORDINARY PLACE.
I WANT TO REST BEFORE IT.
I'M GETTING A LITTLE FRIED ON THIS TOUR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE
AN AMAZING -- >> Stephen: LIKE WHAT KIND OF
REST DO YOU NEED?
>> I NEED-- SO I TOOK A VACATION WITH MY WIFE, ANA.
I HAD BEEN GONE ABOUT 12 NIGHTS, AND WE WENT TO FAIRM TO RELAX IN
CONNECTICUT.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> WE GOT THERE -- >> Stephen: SOMEBODY GAVE ME
PHOTOS BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE.
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?
>> YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU THAT IN A MOMENT.
I HAD A BIT OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN WHILE I WAS AT THE
FARM.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I LAND FROM SAN FRANCISCO.
WE GET A RENTAL CAR AND WE DRIVE TO CONNECTICUT.
AND WE GET THERE, AND I'M REALLY HOLOCAUSAND I'MREALLY EXHAUSTED
EXISTENTIALLY INSANE, AND TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND THE CURRENT PRESIDENT TWEETED SOMETHING LIKE, "NO
TALKS WITH NORTH KOREA.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?" AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT
HELPING MY SITUATION."
THAT WAS THAT WEEKEND HE DID THAT.
I WAS OUT WALKING WITH MY DOG TRYING TO CALM DOWN, AND I SAW A
GAGGLE OF GEESE?
>> Stephen: A GAGGLE OF GEESE, YES.
>> A GAGGLE OF GEESE.
AND I RAN TOWARDS THEM AND THEY FLEW AWAY AND IT WAS AMUSING.
LATER ON THE GEESE WERE BACK AND I HAD THE DOG AND I SAY TO MY
WIFE, "CHECK THIS OUT."
AND I RUN TOWARDS THE GEESE, AND THEY HOLD THEIR GROUND, AND ONE
OF THEM LOOKS AT ME AND OPENS HIS MOUTH, AND HE HAD THIS
LIGHT, PINK MOUTH, AND HE WENT "HAAAA."
AND CAVEMAN D.N.A. IN ME KNEW GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
LIKE, SOME OLD ANCESTOR RAN INTO SOME PTERODACTYLS AND IT WASN'T
GOOD, AND THIS WAS LIKE THAT.
IT WAS LIKE THESE ARE DINOSAURS, LIKE, GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
AND I RAN ACROSS THE CREEK, AND I SAID TO MY WIFE, "THOSE GEESE
WEREN'T MESSING AROUND" YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR WIFE?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND SHE SAID, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?
GEESE ATTACK PEOPLE."
HE SAID, "YOU'RE SUCH A CITY BOY."
I SAID, "I DIDN'T KNOW GEESE ATTACKED PEOPLE."
SHE SAID, "YEAH, MY BROTHER WAS ATTACKED BY A SWAN
( LAUGHTER ) SO LATER ON IN THE EVENING --
>> Stephen: NOT THE SAME AS A GOOSE.
>> NOT THE SAME AS A GOOSE.
BUT YOU EXPECT MORE FROM A SWAN BECAUSE IT'S MORE COSMOPOLITAN.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GLAMOROUS.
>> THEY'RE GLAMOROUS, YES.
WE HOLD THEM TO A HIGHER DEGREE.
IT'S SAD.
SO I'M SITTING-- OKAY, THIS WAS, LIKE, FATIGUE-- AND I'M ALSO
TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER IN FRONT OF MY WIFE.
I DIDN'T TELL HER ABOUT THE NUCLEAR WAR STUFF AS IF I'M THE
ONLY ONE WITH A NEWSPAPER "I'LL HIDE THIS."
THE DOG JUMPS INTO MY LAP, IT'S A NICE MOMENT.
MY WIFE TAKES A PHOTO OF IT.
>> Stephen: IS THIS IT?
>> ONE SECOND.
NO, I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR FLOW.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW WE TOOK A PHOTO.
WE LOOK AT IT.
THEN I LEAVE THE ROOM AND SHE WE COME BACK AND LOOK AT IT AGAIN,
AND THAT'S A GREEN SPOT THAT WE NEVER SAW RIGHT THERE WHERE MY
WEDDING BAND MEETS MY DOG'S STOMACH.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLOSE-UP.
>> AND I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
WE ZOOM IN, PUSH IT, ASK IT LOOKS LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE
TREES.
AND I SAID, "WHAT IS THAT?" AND AS SOON AS I SAID, "WHAT IS
THAT?" SOME VOICE IN ME THAT WARNED ME
ABOUT THE GEESE SAID, "YOU KNOW IT'S A GHOST."
( LAUGHTER ) SO...
( LAUGHTER ) IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THAT A
GREEN ORB APPEARS ON YOUR DOG IN A PHOTO.
THAT VERY MUCH LOOKS LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE TREES.
AND IMAGINE YOU'RE EXHAUSTED.
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW YOU'D LEAP TO GHOST.
>> Stephen: SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A GHOST?
>> Stephen: IDON'T THINK SO...
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK SO.
THIS PLACE MIGHT BE HAUNTED.
>> YES THEATERS ARE HAUPTED.
>> Stephen: EXREECTLY HAUNTED.
>> I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD IN THEATERS 1900 AND 1910.
AND I WAS VERY CAVALIER ABOUT GHOSTGHOSTS AND I'D SAY, "IS THI
PLACE HAUNTED?
AND WE'D LAUGH ABOUT A GOFT IN THERE.
I FELT I HAD A HAUNTING OF SORTS.
>> Stephen: THEATERS HAVE A GHOST LIGHT TO KEEP THE GHOST IN
ON PURPOSE.
>> IF YOU ASK-- IF YOU GO TO AN OLD THEATER, ASK THE STAGEHANDS,
"IS THERE A GHOST HERE?" AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "THERE'S A
GHOST."
I DID A THEATER IN KANSAS CITY, CALLED THE MIDLANDS, AND THEY
SAID THE JANITOR WAS KILLED THERE IN 1910 AND STILL HAUNTS
THE LOBBY.
I SAID, "WHAT DOES HE DO?" THEY SAID, "WE SEE HIM SWEEPING
UP."
AND I SAID, "THAT'S DOUBLE TERRIBLE THAT HE'S STUCK BETWEEN
REALMS AND HE STILL HAS TO CLEAN THE LOBBY."
IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY WERE LIKE, "WE SAW HIM APPLYING FOR A
NEW POSITION, THEN WE-- THEN WE SAW HIM MANAGING THE LOBBY."
>> Stephen: I KNOW THERE'S A GHOST IN THIS BUILDING BECAUSE
SOMETIMES, LIKE, EVEN DURING THE SHOW, LIKE, A GUEST WILL BE
SITTING RIGHT THERE, AND I'LL HEAR THIS VOICE COMING FROM THE
GUEST GOING, "I WISH DAVE WAS STILL HERE."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> THAT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING DAVE PLANTED.
>> Stephen: YEAH, PROBABLY.
>> SO I SAW THAT, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HELD IT TOGETHER ALL
DAY.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TODAY?
>> NO, NO, THAT DAY AT THE FARM.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I PUSH IN ON THE PHOTO, AND I GO, "TELL ME THAT DOESN'T LOOK
LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE TREES."
AND MY WIFE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
AND I SAID, "I THINK WE NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW."
>> Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN'T.
>> I DID, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T GET YOUR DEPOSIT BACK BECAUSE YOU THINK
YOU SAW A GHOST.
>> NO, YOU CANNOT.
BUT IT WAS ALREADY DARK ON THE FARM ROADS, AND I WAS LIKE, "IF
THIS WERE A MOVIE, WOULD IT BE A GOOD IDEA TO DRIVE OUT IN THE
DARK?" AND, ALSO, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY
TOO LOUD WHAT MY PLAN WAS IN CASE THE GHOSTS WERE LISTENING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SAD TO SAY -- >> Stephen: WERE THE GHOSTING
SAYING ANYTHING?
WERE YOU GETTING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD ANYTHING LIKE THAT-- "SHE
DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
SHE'S YOUR ENEMY.
DO SOMETHING!" LIKE ONE OF THOSE "SHINING, ."
>> NO, BECAUSE I WAS POSSESSED I WAS ASSUMING MY DOG WAS
POSSESSED.
WHAT IT TURNED OUT TO BE WAS LENS FLARE.
WE LOOKED IT UP AND ON, LIKE-- I WON'T SAY WHAT BRAND OF PHONE
BUT IT'S AN iPHONE.
AND THEY HAVE-- IT'S A COMMON THING WHERE YOU GET THESE GREEN
DOTS, AND THAT'S THE REFLECTION OF THE SUN COMING THROUGH THE
TREES AND THE WINDOW PANE BEHIND ME.
>> Stephen: IF YOU SAW THIS ON YOUR DOG NOT ON CAMERA, THAT
WOULD BE SOMETHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT.
>> I WOULD BOW DOWN IN FRONT OF HER AND SAY I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LIKE, "BIG MOUTH."
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: THE SHOW YOU'RE DOING WITH NICK KROLL, OUR
FRIEND OF THE SHOW.
>> THIS IS A WONDERFUL ANIMATED SHOW ON NETFLIX, THAT NICK KROLL
AND ANDREW GOLDBERG, HIS FRIEND FROM CHILDHOOD CREATED --
>> Stephen: YOU PLAY ANDREW.
>> YEAH, I AM A GET FRIEND IN ADULT LIFE.
>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT KIDS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND VERY
FUNNY AND VERY HONEST, HARROWING WAYS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE PUBERTY IS VERY UPSETTING.
>> YES, IT FEELS-- IT'S SORT OF A REALIST, NIGHTMARISH ESCAPE OF
PUBERTY COMEDY, AND I THINK IT'S HOW-- IT'S HOW PUBERTY FIELD IN
A LOT OF WAYS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS GROWING UP?
>> YEAH, ONLY EXCLUSIVELY.
>> Stephen: JESUIT SCHOOLS.
ANOTHER THEY TEACH YOU GOOD.
BUT DID THEY TEACH YOU, LIKE, ABOUT SEX?
DID YOU HAVE, LIKE, PUBERTY, LIKE HEALTH CLASS OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT?
>> WE HAD HEALTH CLASS.
>> Stephen: DID THEY GO THROUGH THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
>> WE DID A SORT OF MIRACLE ON LIFE ON THE "PLEASE DON'T EVER
HAVE SEX" SIDE OF IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
IT'S A MIRACLE THAT YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.
>> YEAH, AND THEY SAID-- THEY WERE LIKE, "NONE OF THE
CONTRACEPTIVES WORK, SO DON'T TRY THEM."
WELL -- >> Stephen: WOW.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE KIDS.
IT'S UNFORTUNATELY HAD A LASTING EFFECT IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS OF MY
BRAIN, BUT...
( LAUGHTER ) THEY THEN-- THE BIG THING WAS
THEY WOULD SHOW US THE "MIRACLE OF LIFE" VIDEO, AND I FAINTED AT
THAT, NOT ONE YEAR, NOT TWO YEARS, BUT THREE YEARS IN A ROW.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I HESITATE TO ASK-- WHAT IS IS IN "THE MIRACLE
OF LIFE" VIDEO THAT WOULD MAKE JOHN MULANEY PASS OUTSIDE?
>> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT HAS SEEN IT.
IT BEGINS WITH A COUPLE THAT DOES NOT LOOK CONTEMPORARY,
EARLY 1980s, OR LATE 1970s.
AND THEN IT GOES TO ANIMATION ABOUT HOW THEIR TUBES AND
DIFFERENT VALVES WORK.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE WATCHING THESE DIAGRAMS AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT."
AND THEN IT'S A HARD CUT TO THE ENTRY OF A HUMAN INTO THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: OF A HUMAN!
>> COMING THROUGH THE LOINS OF THEIR MOTHER-- WHICH IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT.
>> Stephen, OF COURSE, NOT!
WE'VE ALL DONE THAT.
>> PERFECTLY NATURAL.
ABSOLUTELY.
EVEN CESAREAN, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO DO IT.
IT'S ALL FANTASTIC.
SO I WOULD LOOK, AND I WENT-- THE FIRST YEAR I WENT, "HUH?"
AND THEN I WAS ON THE FLOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SECOND YEAR --
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING?
>> THE SECOND YEAR I KNOW IT'S COMING.
I GO, "NO WAY AM I GOING TO FLINCH THIS TIME."
SO I STARED LONGER.
AND I WATCHED MORE OF THE OPENING NUMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) HIT THE FLOOR.
THE THIRD YEAR, PEOPLE WERE ROOTING FOR ME TO FAINT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND LOOKING BACK.
AND THEY-- THEY WERE GOING, "HE'S GONNA GO.
HE'S GONNA FAINT."
AND I JUST-- THE PRESSURE-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WAS
WATCHING THE VIDEO.
I THINK I HAD A PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE ALL THE EYES WERE ON ME.
AND I FAINTED AGAIN, JUST TO-- MAYBE JUST TO APPEASE THEM.
WHAT A LIFE!
WHAT A SAD LIFE TO WANT TO ENTERTAIN SO MUCH THAT I'LL
COLLAPSE FOR YOU IF YOU CHEER LOUD ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A PRO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE KID GORGEOUS IS WHAT YOU
WERE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> JOHN MULANEY'S "KID GORGEOUS" IS AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HILL THIS
FEBRUARY.
JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY!