♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, THERE'S A SPECIAL ELECTION BEING HELD FOR
TEXAS' SIXTH CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT, AND ONE CANDIDATE THAT
CAUGHT MY EYE IS FORMER PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER "BIG" DAN
RODIMER.
RODIMER RECENTLY DROPPED AN AD FOR HIS CAMPAIGN, AND IT'S VERY
TEXAS.
>> THREE DIRTIEST JOBS IN THE WORLD: PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING,
POLITICIAN, AND BULL RIDING.
LET'S GO, BOYS!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WE CALL THAT BULL NANCY
PELOSI.
IT'S THE BEAST.
>> I'M BIG DAN RODIMER.
TEXAS HAS BIG PROBLEMS.
WE NEED A BIG FIGHTER TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS.
THE COMMUNISTS IN D.C. ARE RUINING AMERICA.
I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE NANCY PELOSI AND STOP HER BULL
(BLEEP), AND I'LL PUT A BOOT RIGHT IN HER SOCIALIST PLATFORM.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I ALREADY DID.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON THERE, BUT IF THE BULL
IS NANCY PELOSI, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WON THAT INTERACTION.
BIG DAN LASTED FOR ABOUT TWO SECONDS AND THEN STEPPED IN
"HER" FECES.
ALSO, BIG DAN, YOU NEED A WIDER ANGLE!
WHENEVER YOU'RE ON THE BULL, WE CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE!
THAT'S WHY I SHOOT ALL MY BULL-RIDING VIDEOS FROM THE NECK
UP.
WHOA!
HOLD ON, BIG FELLA!
HOLD ON!
OFF YOU GO!
YOU CAN PULL OUT, JIM, WELL.
THAT WAS A MONSTER.
BIG DAN HAS A LAUNDRY LIST OF PROBLEMS WITH AMERICAN POLITICS.
>> MEN AND WOMEN'S BATHROOMS, BOYS AND GIRLS SPORTS, HIGHER
TAXES, HIGHER GAS PRICES.
THE COMMUNISTS IN D.C. WANT TO SHUT DOWN OUR CHURCHES, CLOSE
OUR BUSINESSES, INDOCTRINATING OUR CHILDREN, COMMUNISM IN OUR
CLASSROOMS, MAKE OUR DAUGHTERS UNSAFE IN SPORTS AND SCHOOL,
DESTROY AMERICAN BORDERS AND OUR AMERICAN HISTORY.
( BIG DAN VOICE )
CLARIFYING PROPER GENDER ROLES THAN THE MAN WHO NAMED A BULL
'NANCY.'" BUT WHAT'S MOST INTERESTING
ABOUT BIG DAN'S BIG TEXAS IMAGE IS THAT HE'S ACTUALLY FROM NEW
JERSEY, AND LAST YEAR RAN FOR CONGRESS IN NEVADA.
WOW, A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER LYING ABOUT HIS ENTIRE PERSONA?
NEXT YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME THIS GUY ISN'T AN ACTUAL
UNDERTAKER.
IN FACT, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AD "COWBOY DAN" MADE WHEN HE RAN IN
NEVADA LAST YEAR, AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT ANY DIFFERENCE.
>> DAN SCHWARTZ IS LYING TO YOU.
I HAD ONE ARREST IN MY LIFE, WHILE IN COLLEGE.
THOSE CHARGES WERE DISMISSED.
I HAVE NO CONVICTIONS AND NO CRIMINAL RECORD.
( AS RODIMER )
NO CRIMINAL RECORD.
NO TEXAS ACCENT.
ALSO, CRIMINAL RECORD."
BECAUSE IF YOU GOOGLE IT, YOU'LL SEE RODIMER WAS ACCUSED OF
ASSAULT THREE TIMES, ADMITTED TO COMMITTING THE OFFENSE OF
BATTERY, AND HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF PUNCHING MEN "AT OR OUTSIDE OF
NIGHTCLUBS."
PARTICULARLY DISTURBING WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT, AT ANY TIME IN
YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE TECHNICALLY EITHER "AT" OR "OUTSIDE" OF A
NIGHTCLUB.
SO WHETHER HE'S PLAYING A "COWBOY" IN TEXAS OR AN
"INNOCENT GUY WHO DIDN'T DO ALL THAT STUFF YOU HEARD ABOUT" IN
NEVADA, IT'S HARD TO TELL WHO THE REAL DAN RODIMER IS.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, HE'S NOT THE ONLY CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE
HOPPING FROM STATE TO STATE PLAYING DRESS-UP.
JIM.
>> MY TENNESSEE VALUES RUN DEEP, JUST LIKE THE COUNTRY SONGS I
GREW UP SINGING.
MUSIC IS LIFE AND DEATH FOR ME.
THAT'S WHY MY GUITAR IS ALSO A GUN.
AND DESPITE WHAT MY OPPONENT SAYS, I HAVE NEVER FIRED MY
GUITAR GUN AT MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
BUT IF I DID, IT WOULD BE A METAPHOR, AND THE DOG WOULD BE
NAMED NANCY PAUL LOSY.
IF YOU WANT TENNESSEE VALUES IN CONGRESS, VOTE FOR SMILING
JOHNNY DAVIS.
AND IF THAT AIN'T YOUR TUNE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JOIN ME HERE IN
THE WOOD OF VERMONT DURING MAPLE SUGARING SEASON.
I LOVE THESE TREES, AND NOT IN THE WAY MY OPPONENT IMPLIED.
THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR MY PENIS
SPLINTERS.
VOTE FOR JONATHAN DAVIS I'M AS RELIABLE AS THE ORGANIC HEMP
PILLOW YOU BOUGHT IN THE PARKING LOT OF A PHISH CONCERT.
WHETHER YOU'RE FROM BRATTLEBORO OR QUEENS, VOTE FOR JOHNNY IN
NEW YORK, I GOT A BUDGET HERE, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE TYOU CAN
EAT MR. POTATO HEAD'S SWINGING PLASTIC BALLS.
SO IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A TRUE NEW YORKER OR A
TENTH-GENERATION WYOMING RANCHER, OR RAISED BY POLAR
BEARS IN ALASKA!
AS A REAL MANIER YOU GROUP UP DOWNEAT BEING HUNTED BY
PENNYWYATT THE CLOWN.
AND IF THEY ASK YOU IF YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT LOBSTER, ASK IF YOU
MARRIED ONE.
MY WIFE DIED OF HUMAN CAUSE.
>> IF YOU'RE OVERSEAS, VOTE FOR ME CAMPAIGN FOR PARLIAMENT,
GOVERNOR.
A VOTE FOR SIR JAMES IS A VOTE FOR LIFTS AND LOOSES, AND LORIS.
FISH AND CHIPS
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ACTRESS AMANDA SEYFRIED.