- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we have no idea what we're
about to say and we aren't allowed
to smile or laugh.
I'm Smegan Heaven.
- And I'm Trombone Toot-Toot.
- Our first story today,
- [Both Together] Those eggheads
over at Webster's Dictionary have done it again.
They've announce their new list of words
that we must add into our vocabulary
or face punishment.
These words include:
- Argonauts, a person whose parents conceived them
while watching the 2012 film, "Argo".
- Stan, the name of my dermatologist
who won't get a drink with me.
- And fluffster, a fluffer looking
for work on Friendster.
- You guys remember Friendster.
I doubt it.
My son created Friendster,
and I barely remember it.
That little twerp.
- Your son is a twerp.
- Thank you.
Now, to the traffic report with Baby Fump.
- Thank you.
For the record, I'm an adult,
even though my name is Baby Fump.
Traffic is slow, so slow today.
Come on, give it to me.
- [Both Together] How slow is it?
- Traffic is so slow that hundreds of cars
are filling up with farts,
but it's too hot to open a window
to let the farts out.
So all the toots are condensing
inside everyone's cars.
- I don't get it.
- I do and it makes me a horny little Epi-pen.
- And to make things worse,
all the radio stations are playing non-stop clips
of Terry Gross yawning.
- Oh my god, that'll never stop.
- Yes Smegan.
So if you're getting in a car right now
to go drive to work,
I'd suggest avoiding the 85, the 101, and the 420.
Oh wait, that last one is my favorite weed integer.
- Me too!
- My suggestion, take the 10 and get off at exit 34
and stop by Denny's and get slammed by pancakes.
Denny's the home for people banned from IHOP.
- Thank you Baby Bump.
Well, it's day 120 of our never-ending state fair.
Today organizers are holding the annual Biggest Hog contest.
- That sounds like a contest my husband could win.
- What do you mean by that?
- Well I mean that my husband is a large hog.
He's a large hog of a man.
A very round gentleman who snuffles his little snout
around in his plate looking for a delicious morsel to eat.
In that way he's very similar to a large hog,
and I think that, you'll find that the two
have a lot in common.
In fact-
(giggling)
Yeah he's a large hog
and I think he could win the competition.
- Disgusting.
We now have Maximillian Chungus
reporting from the county fair.
Chungus?
- Thanks Toot-toot.
I'm here at the county fair
where they just concluded the Biggest Hog contest.
The winner was a piggy named Tony Hawk,
owned by my guest, Tina Hawk.
Tina, congratulations on your big pig.
What are 10 things you feed it?
- Oh, I feed it a lot of stuff.
Asparagus, milk, water, juice, orange juice,
liquids, diet pills, Coca-cola,
egg salad, and tuna salad.
- Interesting.
I'd have thought you'd have fed it
salmon, Salman Rushdie,
Sam and Diane, Samsonite luggage,
salmon again-
- Halfway through.
- Sam Goody gift cards,
Sam and-
- You said Diane already.
- Um, Diane again.
(laughing)
- That's what you would've thought?
- That's what I would've thought. It was that that's-
- You have three more,
and you've said all sam things so far.
- And I thought she would've fed it
milk and and uh-
- I said milk.
- Oh, you said milk. Interesting.
Well cool cool.
How about milk and cookies.
You said milk already.
Cookies, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
and a Toblerone.
- Chungus, I'm told that you and Tina got to spend some time
riding the rides this morning,
what were your top three?
- Wow.
- Wow. I love that question.
- Thank you.
- My top one, was the wheels that spin around,
where you get inside a tire
and then they kind of spin you on a rope.
- Yeah, they take you on a rope.
They spin you until you go downhill in a tire.
You're-
- What's that called?
- Huh?
- What's the name of that ride?
It's called I'm Stuck in a Car.
- [Trapp] Okay.
- And they roll you down a hill,
full speed while you're in a tire.
Your head's banging
(giggling)
against the ground constantly.
They roll you straight into the river.
- Yeah, you get points if you get hurt.
- Alright. Well I did ask for three rides,
so can you name two more
and remember they can be literally anything.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, my other one was that rollercoaster
that was made out of old cars.
- Oh yeah.
The rollercoaster made out of old cars is fantastic.
It's a bunch of Model T cars
and they're just rickety-ing up an endless wooden hill.
Tina, what did you think of that?
- Well I actually loved it too,
but then we were told later it wasn't a ride
and we were being taken.
(giggling)
- Man alive, I'd hate all those rides.
- Me too.
That's it for us today.
- But before we go, a special round of applause
for this week's loser, Raphael Chestang.
(groan)
(applause)
- Thanks, that makes me feel better.
Thank you for being with us,
and playing next on YouTube,
pornography for dogs but written by cats?