- Have you experienced infidelity in your relationship?
What do you do?
How do you handle it?
Do you stay or go?
- Look,
look.
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(door slamming)
- I'm Alicia Decker, co-founder of Mended Light
and I'm married to a therapist.
And some people think because I'm married to a therapist,
we don't have the same challenges as everyone else,
let me tell you, we do.
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This channel is all about healing from trauma
so you can feel safe, whole, and worthy of love,
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Something to recognize, if you've experienced infidelity
in your relationship, you've experienced a trauma.
What is a trauma?
In its most simple version,
you thought your world was safe,
something happened, and it was no longer safe.
When you're in that place of betrayal trauma
your whole world is turned upside down,
your worth, your value, your life decisions,
you call it all into question.
- Is she prettier than me?
- No!
- Liar - No! No Jack.
- What am I supposed to do now, huh?
- And this is no small deal.
And along with all of that,
you have the shame and the guilt
that inevitably comes with having that challenge.
It's not something you often want
to share with other people
and because of that, it's often isolating.
On top of the trauma that you've experienced,
you then feel isolated, alone, and unworthy.
Be kind with yourself, give yourself grace,
understanding, and love, even though
you're going through this terribly traumatic experience.
The second thing to consider, is there a problem?
Now I know this sounds weird,
but if there's not a problem, truly,
for your spouse that cheated, then there's not a problem.
Obviously this is a problem for you,
but it isn't really a problem for them.
- [Woman] On the very first night that we met,
we walked by a bakery
that was having their sugar delivered
and it was in the air everywhere.
- This is something that I really understood
or came to understand in my first marriage.
There was a lot of things that I wasn't okay about,
that weren't working for me,
but in hindsight there really wasn't a problem
for my former spouse.
And so recognize that if this behavior
is a problem for you, but isn't a problem for them,
it's really not going to change.
That leads us into the next thing to consider, broken trust.
Rebuilding trust looks like being accountable,
transparent, and changing behavior.
And is the partner who had an affair
willing to do the hard thing
and to go through that process
of rebuilding trust through being accountable,
being transparent, and changing their behavior?
- I'm so sorry, this was not about you.
It may be about us as a couple
and I think we should get therapy.
- Often we talk about forgiveness and trust
like it's the same thing, when it's really not.
Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself
to let go of the hurt and the anger
and that's something you will have to do again and again,
but just because you forgive someone,
does not mean that you trust them.
Trust has to be earned through the accountability,
the transparency, and the changed behavior
and that is a long road.
And is the partner who had the affair willing to do that?
If you're dealing with shame or guilt,
recognize that the affair is a choice your partner made,
it is not a reflection on you.
There may have been challenges in the marriage
that led them to make that choice,
but cheating is the affair partner's responsibility alone.
Do not internalize the portrayal trauma
and drive yourself crazy by thinking
of all the things you could have, or should have,
or might have done differently
that could've kept you off this terrible path
of betrayal and loneliness.
Lastly, what do you want?
If your partner can take accountability for the affair,
work to rebuild trust, and have an affair proof marriage
in the future, do you want to stay
or are you willing to give it a chance?
Three months, six months, a year?
Or are you the type of person who has a one strike rule?
- Do you love her?
Answer me.
- I personally am a one strike, you're out
kind of person, ask my second husband.
Ending a marriage or relationship after cheating
is totally understandable and justifiable,
the question you have to ask yourself is
do you want to be justified or do you want to be married?
And something to understand is there's no
right or wrong answer to that question.
If you are married to someone
who is wanting to take accountability,
that is wanting to make changes,
and is wanting to rebuild trust,
and that is what you want too,
that is something that can be worked through
and often it does take the support of a skilled therapist,
because the betrayal trauma is so deep.
So what this personally looked like for me,
when I was dealing with the same challenge
of what do you do after infidelity,
it was not a cut and dry decision,
it wasn't "You cheated, and so we're done,"
it took time.
It took time to really see what choices
he was going to make after the infidelity.
If there was going to be humility,
if there was going to be accountability for his behavior,
if he was going to want to go through
the hard work of rebuilding trust.
And ultimately those were not the things he wanted to do.
And for me, that wasn't a fit,
I was not willing to stay in a marriage
where someone didn't take accountability
for their behavior and wasn't willing to rebuild trust.
You need to decide what that looks for you.
So for me, a huge takeaway from a terrible, hurtful,
very wounding experience was the fact
that I learned to separate my worth and my value
as a person from my spouse's actions.
When you're able to recognize your value
and your worth, you believe in yourself
at a level you never would have before.
And so if the potential of leaving an unhealthy
or an unfaithful relationship is scary,
and a lot of fear comes up of
"How am I going to provide for myself?
"What about the children?
"What am I going to do?"
If your identity as a person
is wrapped up in this relationship,
begin to unravel that, begin to separate
your worth and your value as a person
from the behavior of someone who is struggling.
Their struggle has affected you in a really hurtful way
and it may or may not be intentional.
You'll need to separate that,
whether you stay married or you decide
that the best thing for you
is to move on from this relationship.
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- If you're dealing with the challenges of an affair,
check out our video Is Healing Even Possible:
Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
And I'd like to know, how have you found peace
in healing from betrayal trauma,
please comment below and let us know.
And remember to keep shining, we need your light.
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