WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
I AM PAST READY FOR OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS TO TAKE
ANY ACTION AT ALL ON GUNS.
OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THERE ARE THINGS -- THERE
ARE SOME BEDROCK THINGS THEY COULD DO.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO STUMBLING BLOCKS:
ELECTED.
OFFICIALS.
BECAUSE, DESPITE THE HORRIFIC SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS, THE
SENATE JUST SKIPPED TOWN FOR A TWO-WEEK BREAK WITHOUT ANY
ACTION ON GUNS.
CHUCK SCHUMER HAD PLANNED ON PUSHING THROUGH A VOTE TO GET
EVERYONE ON THE RECORD, BUT YESTERDAY HE BAILED, EXPLAINING
THERE WAS NO POINT IN DOING SO, GIVEN THAT REPUBLICAN OPPOSITION
WAS ALREADY "CRYSTAL CLEAR."
HE'S JUST FOLLOWING THE OLD ADAGE: "IF AT FIRST, YOU DON'T
SUCCEED, BYE-EE!" ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW IDEA IS THAT SCHUMER AND MCCONNELL ARE GOING TO APPOINT
PEOPLE TO WORK ON A BIPARTISAN APPROACH, BUT NO ONE IS
OPTIMISTIC.
LEAST OF ALL, INDIANA REPUBLICAN SENATOR MIKE BRAUN, SEEN HERE
SAYING, "YOU CAN TAKE MY FINGER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD,
DEAD HAND."
BRAUN EXPRESSED HIS DOUBT USING THIS UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SILVER BULLET IS."
"EAH, JUST SHOOTING FROM THE HIP HERE-- NONE OF THESE IDEAS
ARE ON TARGET, AND WHILE WE GOT THE PROBLEM IN THE CROSSHAIRS,
WE JUST CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.
BUT WHEN WE DO, YOU'LL BE BLOWN AWAY.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) >> Jon: MM-MMM, MM-MMM,
MM-MMM, NO!
>> Stephen: POTENTIAL SENATORS, PEOPLE RUNNING FOR THE
SENATE, ARE ALSO STRUGGLING WITH WHAT TO DO,
ESPECIALLY GEORGIA SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER
WHO WAS ASKED ABOUT SOLVING GUN VIOLENCE AND MADE THESE NOISES:
>> WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS LOOK INTO HOW WE CAN STOP
THOSE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, THEY TALK ABOUT GOING TO DISINFORMATION.
WHAT ABOUT GETTING A DEPARTMENT THAT CAN LOOK AT YOUNG MEN
THAT'S LOOKING AT WOMEN THAT'S LOOKING AT THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA.
WHAT ABOUT DOING THAT?
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, WHAT ABOUT DOING THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HIGH TIME TO CREATE THE
FEDERAL BUREAU OF "LOOKING AT YOUNG MEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT
WOMEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT SOCIAL MEDIA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT MOSTLY, CONSERVATIVES
BELIEVE THAT THE BEST DEFENSE IS A STUPID DEFENSE, LIKE THIS LADY
ON FOX NEWS: >> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A
NATIONAL PUSH TOWARD-- INSTEAD OF PARENTS BUYING THEIR KIDS
ALL THESE TOOLS AND TOYS AND GAMES, INVEST IN THE CLASSROOM,
TO MAKE IT SAFER.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE BLANKETS THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON THE WALL THAT
ARE COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEY'RE BALLISTIC BLANKETS.
>> Stephen: YES, INSTEAD OF TOYS OR GAMES, PARENTS SHOULD BY
BALLISTIC BLANKETS.
THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, THE KIDS WON'T EVEN REALIZE WE LIVE
IN HELL.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE OTHER THOUGHTLESS PEOPLE
THINK YOU HAVE TO RETHINK THE ENTIRE SCHOOL LAYOUT, LIKE TEXAS
SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN PROSTATE EXAM,
-- BOO-BOO.
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH BOOING BUT I CAN'T SAY THE JOKE
WHEN YOU'RE BOOING.
LIKE TEXAS SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN
PROSTATE EXAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TED CRUZ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BOO, NOW BOO!
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, THAT
FELT GOOD.
INSTEAD OF ACCESS TO GUNS CRUZ WANTS TO FOCUS ON A
DIFFERENT KIND OF ACCESS: >> LOOK, THE KILLER ENTERED
HERE THE SAME WAY THE KILLER ENTERED IN SANTA FE-- THROUGH A
BACK DOOR.
AN UNLOCKED BACK DOOR.
I SAT DOWN AT ROUNDTABLES WITH THE FAMILIES FROM SANTA FE.
WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO HARDEN SCHOOLS, INCLUDING
NOT HAVING UNLOCKED BACK DOORS; INCLUDING NOT HAVING UNLOCKED
DOORS TO CLASSROOM.
HAVING ONE DOOR THAT GOES IN AND OUT OF THE SCHOOL.
HAVING ARMED POLICE OFFICERS AT THAT ONE DOOR.
>> STEPHEN: SO, HE JUST WANTS SENSIBLE DOOR CONTROL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW LOOK, INCREASING SECURITY AT
SCHOOLS, HARDENING SCHOOLS COULD BE A GOOD IDEA.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER PLACES WHERE SHOOTINGS HAPPEN,
LIKE MOVIE THEATERS, CHURCHES, GROCERY STORES, AND EVERYWHERE
ELSE IN AMERICA?
IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET RID OF THE GUNS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
HARDEN EVERYWHERE.
YOU KNOW, WE ALREADY HAVE OUR HEADS IN THE SAND ABOUT THIS.
WHY DON'T WE BURROW UNDER THE GROUND AND
THEN JUST CLOSE UP THE HOLE BEHIND US, AND THEN NOBODY CAN
GET IN THERE, SO THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE WILL GET SHOT.
UNLESS THE PEOPLE WE'RE IN THERE WITH BROUGHT GUNS.
SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY EACH GO INTO OUR INDIVIDUAL, UNDERGROUND
SAFETY HOLE.
AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, "STEVE, ONCE WE CLOSE
THE HOLE, HOW WILL OUR FRIENDS ABOVE-GROUND FIND US?"
THAT'S EASY.
WE'LL PUT UP A MARKER, SOMETHING PERMANENT, LIKE STONE.
AND WE'LL CHISEL OUR NAME ON THE STONE
AND MAYBE THE DATE WE WERE BORN, AND THE DATE WE WENT DOWN IN
THE HOLE.
AND THEN, WE CAN FINALLY REST IN PEACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
>> Jon: MAKES SENSE.
>> Stephen: IT WILL WORK.
JUST GIVE IT A SHOT IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHEN GUN TRAGEDIES HAPPEN THE G.O.P. LIKES TO BLAME
VIOLENCE IN THE MEDIA.
AND THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING-- THERE IS A LOT OF
SENSELESS GUN PLAY ON TV.
SPECIFICALLY IN THE MORE THAN A HUNDRED G.O.P. MIDTERM ADS THIS
YEAR WHICH FEATURE GUNS.
THEY'RE BRANDISHING DEADLY WEAPONS ON TV, AND NO ONE STOPS
THEM!
"MEANWHILE!" -- AND THIS IS TRU- ON TUESDAY'S SHOW, THEY MADE ME
BLUR A PICTURE OF A PLANT BECAUSE IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE A
WIENER!
AND IT WASN'T EVEN LOADED!
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE CAMPAIGN ADS ARE
YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL BANG-BANG-IN A FIELD, LIKE THIS
ONE FROM SENATE HOPEFUL DR. OZ.
>> MY FATHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO HANDLE MY FIRST GUN.
I TAUGHT MY SON OLIVER HOW TO DO THE SAME.
I'VE BEEN SHOOTING AND HUNTING MY WHOLE LIFE.
SO, WHEN PEOPLE SAY I WON'T SUPPORT GUNS?
(COCKS GUN) THEY'RE DEAD WRONG.
PULL!
(GUNFIRE) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY THE VIBE I WANT FROM MY DOCTOR.
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR X-RAYS.
PULL!
(SHOOTS XRAY) OOH, YOU GOT A HOLE IN YOUR LEFT
ATRIUM!" ( LAUGHTER )
SOME ADS ARE EVEN WEIRDER LIKE THIS ONE FROM ALABAMA
GOVERNOR KAY IVEY.
>> THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS SACRED, SO I PASSED CONCEALED
CARRY FOR ALABAMIANS TO ARM THEMSELVES WITHOUT GOVERNMENT
INTERFERENCE.
THAT WAY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOT WHAT IN THEIR PURSE.
LIPSTICK.
AN IPHONE.
OR MAYBE A LITTLE SMITH & WESSON .38.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A CRAZY AD.
I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GOAT THE CONTENTS OF HER PURSE MIXED UP.
HELLO, KAY IVEY SPEAKING.
HELLO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
I'M SORRY, I HAD THE SAFETY ON.
KAY IVEY SPEAKING.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
GUNS AREN'T JUST BEING PUSHED BY THE QUAKING ELDERLY.
THERE'S ALSO THIS WORD SALAD: >> BABIES.
BORDERS.
BULLETS.
VALUES WE CHERISH.
TRUMP PROTECTED THEM AS PRESIDENT.
AND SO WILL JAKE BEQUETTE AS ARKANSAS' NEXT SENATOR.
PRO-GUN, PRO-WALL, PRO-LIFE.
BABIES, BORDERS, AND BULLETS.
>> Stephen: OH, MAN!
JAKE'S FREAKING OUT ON THE "B" SECTION
OF THE G.O.P. DICTIONARY!
"BABIES!
BORDERS!
BULLETS!
BACON!
BIG RIGS!
BIG-BREASTED BIBLES BUMPIN' BEFORE BABY B'JESUS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BB, WUBBYDUBBY.
THERE'S SOME MORE DISTURBING REVELATIONS ABOUT FORMER
PRESIDENT DONNY CRAPPLESEED.
( LAUGHTER ) THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS BEEN
GETTING TESTIMONY FROM FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF AND COLLEGE BUDDY
WHO STILL DOES HIS TERRIBLE AUSTIN POWERS IMPRESSION...
MARK MEADOWS.
ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM THE COMMITTEE, MEADOWS WAS WITH THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DURING THE INSURRECTION, AND A WITNESS
TESTIFIED THAT AFTER THE RIOTERS STARTED CHANTING "HANG MIKE
PENCE!", MEADOWS TOLD COLLEAGUES THAT THE PRESIDENT SAID
SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "MAYBE PENCE SHOULD BE HANGED."
HE WAS INTO THE IDEA OF KILLING HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN GEORGE H.W.
BUSH SAID THIS: >> READ MY LIPS.
STAB DAN QUAYLE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU DO NOT.
MY GUEST IS HUGH DANCY, AND I'LL BE GIVING HIM THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. JOSH BROLIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )