- [Host - Barron Cruz] Do you think there's even one person
on the entire planet that doesn't want
to have a high self confidence, high self esteem?
There's some dude in Des Moines, Iowa,
just like, "Just don't want it, just don't need it.
Just wanna feel bad about myself."
When you think of the word confidence, what comes to mind?
Women love a man who's confident.
A manager in a business should be confident.
Someone good in sales should be confident.
Confidence is at the root of much of success in life.
So why do so few people have a true rock solid confidence?
Well, it turns out our brain is truly sabotaging us,
and I'm gonna cite a study
to explain exactly why that happens.
Our brain, by trying to protect us, is keeping us down,
and it's telling other people to keep treating us poorly,
which is self fulfilling prophecy.
It's like, "Oh, everyone thinks I'm bad,
no one thinks I should be doing this."
Really hard to grow your confidence
when everyone keeps beatin' you back
into the hole you came from.
- [Man] Do it again.
(footsteps and a slapping sound)
- [Man] Ow.
- [Host] So I'm gonna help you understand
why that's going on and hopefully you can leverage
that to understand your propensity to do this
and not do it anymore, to improve,
to truly improve organically
your confidence in your self worth.
So in this study,
published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,
it basically showed that people with low self esteem
are more likely to seek what's called 'indirect support'.
So what does that mean?
It means sulking, or whining, or displaying sadness, right?
It's not a confident way to to do it,
it's, "Oh, me, do you think we could do that?
Oh, I'm sad about this."
That's called indirect.
Where what are they really trying to do?
They're trying to get support and empathy
from people in a low risk way.
Because they think what's the worst thing
that's gonna happen?
I mean, most of the time, people are gonna be like,
"Oh, quit your whining," right?
Most of the time, they'll be like,
"Oh, it's okay, it's okay."
They're used to that working.
What does a high confidence person do?
Well, they would say "I really need
and would like your support right now."
But why does the low self esteem, low confidence person
have trouble doing that?
Well, because they could get directly denied and rejected.
What could the other person say?
"Nah, I don't support ya on that, sorry about that.
Nah, I'm not here for ya."
Where if you're just whining and the other person
doesn't give you the response you want,
it's softer 'cause you never directly asked for that,
but when you're whining and sulking,
it communicates to other people that you're lower status.
And that's something that the study didn't say,
but I'm saying that, that communicates low status,
and people typically are nicer and more supportive
to people who are higher status; it's a cold truth.
Maybe we should be nicer to people
who have low self esteem, right?
They need it more,
but that's not the way humans are designed.
Just like the old study where the guy gets out
of his Maserati wearin' a suit
and asks somebody to borrow a buck,
like 90% of time people give it to him,
whereas if some guy dressed normally
or a bum goes up 'em, 90% of the time they won't.
We help people with higher status,
that's just the way we're wired, we need to understand that.
So by low self esteem people trying to cushion that,
not set themselves up for that potential failure
or that potential rejection,
we're actually communicating to the other person,
reject me, I'm not the kinda person you wanna help.
I'm not the kinda person you wanna support.
I can't even stand up for myself.
I'm probably usin' supplicate-ive tonality.
"Oh, I just really wanted to do that."
How about, "Hey, I was really hopin' we could do that.
What do ya think?"
"Aw, we really have to do that?"
How 'bout, "No, hey how 'bout we do this one.
What are your thoughts on that?"
You're gonna have so much higher likelihood
of getting people behind you when you do that.
And what the study shows is people who have low self esteem
are gonna be stuck in that hole,
in that self fulfilling prophecy,
'cause you're basically telling people
"I'm not willing to take risk.
I'm not confident. Don't help me."
Now, one of the reasons that people end up
with low self confidence or low self esteem,
it starts young,
it can start all the way back in grade school.
(footsteps and rustling)
(sighs)
And why is it?
It's our environment.
We realize how we stack up
to other people in our environment.
Often times it happens at a young age.
Are you gettin' made fun of constantly?
When you're young, do you think that's good for your psyche?
Every time you try to be confident you get people
clowin' on you and makin' fun of you?
No, but it happens, and it happens when we're adults too.
In the workplace; think about where you work.
Can you think of the people who can stand up for themselves,
who if someone makes a joke about 'em,
they can give it right back to 'em?
Do you think of the people that makes the jokes?
And then think of the people who never have anything to say,
they didn't even wanna be involved in a conversation,
'cause they're so afraid that someone's gonna talk trash
or talk down to them, make 'em feel dumb,
and they're just gonna stand there and have nothin' to say.
And how does that look, when someone makes fun of you?
"Berrin, you look like a ginger snowflake,
man, get out in the sun."
And I'm...."Oh man, what? Whatever you mean?"
That makes me look bad!
And people don't like to talk about this,
right, people like to think
"Oh you shouldn't be talkin' trash, it's wrong, it's bad."
Too bad! That's the real world.
You need to either learn to deal with it
and rise because you understand how to do it
and defend yourself or not.
I would say that 80% of the questions
that I typically get on e-mail,
on Facebook, on Instagram, are people who say this.
They say "Man, my girlfriend, my family,
my friends, my boss, my co-workers,
they talk down to me, I don't know what to do."
If this is a problem that you have
I actually have a program called
The Trash Talk And Witty Comeback Program,
you can touch or click right here to learn more from it,
and I solve that problem once and for all.
So formulaically you can go through and say
"Okay, this guy is calling me a ginger,
a pale ginger snowflake.
Okay, what are my options to come back, what can I say?
I know these are three things I can do
in this situation to come back and look good."
And the goal is to look better
than if that person didn't make fun of you at all.
So when they say that, you put them in place
and what happens to your status?
Have you ever seen that?
Like somebody's jokin' around with somebody else
and they got just a great comeback
and it makes them look better
than if that person had never made fun of them at all.
So in this program I'm teaching,
that's if you're interested,
you go up here and I'll talk to you more about it.
Now, have you heard about the story,
it's an old classic about how I went up to this guy
at this crazy bar in Dallas, Taxas,
at like two A.M. and he was super cocky
and tried to just completely ignore me
in front of his friends,
and I'll tell you how I handled that.
You can click right here
and I'll walk you through the entire story.
I'll talk to you there.
[Host In Other Video]...bar, it's almost a bit of a club,
not a place you'd normally find yourself.
But there's a birthday party that you and your buddy
wanna go check out and say hi to.
Put yourself in my shoes.