Home Alone is undeniably a Christmas classic.
How could anyone not love it?
It tells the story of a young boy, Kevin McCallister, who's accidentally left behind when his family
leaves for a Christmas vacation.
To make matters worse, two burglars have targeted the McCallister house while Kevin is there
by himself.
Unfortunately, that's also where things kind of start to break down.
Kevin defends his homestead by setting up a series of elaborate and dangerous traps
in order to stop the bad guys from robbing the place...instead of, you know, calling
the cops.
And that's just one of many of the dumb things in Home Alone that everyone just ignored.
Call the police
What's the first thing that every kid learns to do when they realize they're in danger?
"Didn't they teach you that in school about 911 that you call if somebody needs help?"
"Yep."
"Yaaa"
Either Kevin didn't get the memo, or he just doesn't have the mental capacity of a four-year-old.
Sure, the phone lines are down, but he knows how to get into town to go food shopping,
and he knows exactly when Harry and Marv will be robbing his house.
Kevin only dials 911 near the end of the film, after the crooks have made their way through
almost all of his traps.
Even weirder, when he finally calls the cops, he disguises his voice and tells them his...neighbor's
address?
Why was that the plan?
Did he think the cops would hear a child's voice calling for help on 911 and they wouldn't
come?
Or maybe it's because...
The cops in this town suck
"Well he's just home alone and I would like somebody to go over to the house and see that
he's alright just to check on him."
"You want us to go to your house just to check on him?"
The cops of Home Alone are basically garbage with badges.
When they're informed about a small child left without supervision, they send one police
officer to the McAllister house.
The cop knocks on the door and then arbitrarily decides Kevin's mom just can't keep track
of her children because no one answers.
Maybe that's why the Wet Bandits don't seem concerned in the slightest when Kevin makes
multiple threats to call the police.
"Hey!
I'm calling the cops!"
"Wait wait wait wait wait he wants us to follow him.
I got a better idea come on."
Harry and Marv simply ignore Kevin and continue to invade his home.
They're already guilty of breaking and entering, and they're attempting to assault a minor,
so the charges would probably be pretty severe, but because Kevin lives in a town full of
Paul Blarts, there's really no reason for them to worry.
Even the pizza boy has lost hope
Home Alone must happen in some dystopian alternate reality where the law simply doesn't matter.
When Kevin plays the audio from an old gangster movie to make the pizza guy think he's about
to get murdered, there are absolutely no consequences.
(gunshots)
Apparently, this kid just went back to delivering more pizzas and never warned anyone about
the spray of gunfire that just took out half of the neighborhood's inflatable Santas.
Marv doesn't know how TV works
The pizza boy scene is weird, but Kevin uses the same trick on Marv as he tries to break
in the back door.
It worked on the especially stupid pizza boy because Kevin only played certain parts of
the conversation, making the pizza boy believe that he was talking to a real person.
And we all know that pizza boys are dumb.
"People said I was dumb, but I proved them!"
But when Marv comes to the door, Kevin just plays the movie.
Sure, Kevin adds his own special effects, but has Marv never heard a TV before?
How does this work?
Why is this happening?
"Is this real life?"
Uncle Frank is a monster
So we've talked about how the movie's suburban hellscape is filled with morons.
But we can't let Kevin's clan off the hook: the McCallister family is a bunch of hot garbage.
While it makes sense that Kevin might get picked on by his older siblings and cousins,
why are the adult McCallisters straight up bullying an eight-year-old?
When it comes to the steaming pile of awful human trash that is this family, Uncle Frank
lives at the top.
When Kevin gets into a fight with Buzz — who was pretending to throw up on Kevin, by the
way — some soda gets spilled on Uncle Frank's lap.
Kevin didn't even do it; it was Kevin's useless dad.
So, naturally Uncle Frank loses it.
"Look what you did, you little jerk!"
Nobody defends Kevin, not his parents, and not even the kid from Pete & Pete.
"Kevin, you're such a disease."
Frank is a middle-aged adult with some very deep psychological issues.
Forget Harry and Marv, if anyone deserves a nail through the foot, it's Frank.
The McCallisters may all be monsters
Kevin's mom has to rush back home because they can't get in touch with anybody to look
in on Kevin, but how is that possible?
The entire town didn't go away for Christmas.
Kevin goes to school and even mentions that he has friends.
So why can't his parents call one of their families, or any of the friends of Kevin's
seven thousand siblings?
Is there literally no one in the entire state of Illinois that the McCallisters can trust
to check up on Kevin?
Kevin is going to kill his family
Remember how Harry and Marv kept falling down the stairs because they were covered with
ice?
Or how the basement steps were covered in tar and nails?
Kevin's massive family was basically walking into a death trap by the end of the movie.
Kevin isn't exactly the most conscientious kid, and he's even pretty happy about the
possibility that he's psychically murdered them...
"I made my family disappear."
...so it's incredibly unlikely that the kid cleaned up after himself.
Hopefully, Uncle Frank cracks his melon on those icy steps first.
"Hey pizza's here!"
"Here you go, that's $122.50."
"Uh it's my brother's house he'll take care of it."
"Your name's Kevin?
You know what they're gonna call you in France don't you huh?"
"No."
"Yank!"
Ugh.
We really hate that guy.
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