- We had a very good upbringing.
We always had loads of pets. We had loads of pets.
Give us a cheer if you've got a pet.
(audience cheers)
I'm very jealous. I'd love to have a pet.
I don't have that kind of lifestyle.
I'm away from home too much, and it would be cruel.
So me and my fellow, when we've got a bit of time off,
like an afternoon off, we like to go
to zoos and aquariums.
But you can't always do that,
because those places are expensive,
and they take up a lot of time.
So we have perfected the art of wandering round
Pets At Home.
(audience laughs)
You got to go in with a lot of confidence, you know?
Like you could totally own a fish, you know?
To be fair, I sometimes wander round baby clothes shops
and I haven't got a baby.
That's a lot weirder.
I always think I can pass as a new mam,
because I've got a bit of a belly
and I always look knackered.
(audience laughs)
And if I think anybody's suspicious,
I just lob a boob out.
(audience laughs)
That doesn't work in Pets At Home.
The last time we were in Pets At Home,
they had a special section to one side,
of animals that had been reduced.
Just let that sink in for a second. Reduced.
It was one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen.
They had a big rabbit in a hutch much bigger than
the other sort of sexy rabbits.
Sexy is not the right word, is it?
Depends on the rabbit.
(audience laughs)
(wolf whistle)
Thank you.
The big rabbit, to make it that little bit
more heartbreaking,
they'd written a sign for it
in the first person.
The sign said, "Hi, I'm Honey.
I'm a little bit bigger than the other rabbits.
I'm a little bit older than the other rabbits.
Please take me home."
You never expect to come face to face with
the rabbit equivalent of your teenage self.
(audience laughs)
I didn't buy it. It's got to learn.
We had loads of pets when we were kids.
We had rabbits and budgies and hamsters
and fish and dogs. We had loads of things.
But whenever they died, we were never told that.
We were just told some story instead.
Some lie. Anybody else have this?
- [Audience Members] Yes.
- Yeah, what lies were you told? Shout out.
- [Audience Member] Gone to a farm.
- Gone to a farm. What animal was it, love?
- [Audience Member] Dog.
- A dog. Oh, it's still in your voice, isn't it, flower?
Dog. Farm. Dog. Can't talk anymore.
This lady the other day, she said,
"My rabbit never died."
I said, "What?", "My rabbit never died.
It's just sometimes a different colour."
(audience laughs)
"And occasionally it was a guinea pig."
Any others, apart from the dog and the farm?
- [Audience Member 2] My snail ran away.
- What was that, love?
- [Audience Member 2] My snail ran away.
- Your snail ran away.
(audience laughs)
Snail's not a pet, love.
But did it have a name?
- [Audience Member 2] No.
- No. That's why it ran away, flower.
Because you didn't give a shit.
Any others?
- [Audience Member 3] Swam down the toilet.
- Swam down the toilet. I take it it was a fish,
was it, love?
Yes?
- [Audience Member 3] Yes.
- Yeah, was it? Oh, bless you.
Went for a holiday in the lavvy.
(audience laughs)
There was a lady the other day.
She said that she'd had a goldfish,
and when it had died, she'd been told that it
had swam away, out of the bowl.
Well, I was talking to her, but a chat broke out
at the other side of the audience,
and I thought, "I'd better see what's going on over here,"
so I finished with the lady whose fish had swam away
out of the bowl, and I looked across here
and I said, "What's going on?"
And over here, it was a lady in her 50s,
another lady in her 70s. Potentially mother and daughter.
I said, "What's happening?"
What had happened, the lady in her 50s had gone,
"Hey, that's a shame, isn't it? That that lady
was lied to about her fish swimming away.
Because my fish actually swam away,
didn't it, mam?"
And the old lady was pissing herself laughing.
We had the farm one. We were told,
gone to live on a farm to keep an old man company.
When it happened to our dog we were gutted.
When it happened to my nana, we were thrilled.
But my favourite one was a young Geordie lad,
when I did the Edinburgh Festival last year.
He said he'd had terrapins, and he'd been told
they'd left to join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
(audience laughs)
But I do worry that I tell people a bit too soon
in any conversation that I've got cats.
"I've got cats." It's too soon, it's too soon.
"I've got cats." "That's lovely,
and your account number is?"
(audience laughs)
And that's because they're not too bad at the minute.
But I've often got big scratches on my arms.
I don't want anybody to ever misconstrue
what those scratches are.
I don't want anybody to ever leave my company going,
"She seemed really happy, but did you see her arms?"
When truth be told, it's because I cuddle them too tight
and the fuckers fight back.
(audience laughs)
But the first cat we got, two years ago,
a little ginger kitten. He's called Chief Brody,
named after the police chief in Jaws.
I was still living in the flat at the time,
and I thought, "I'll let him have a wander round,
get his bearings, have a bit of a sniff,
a bit of an investigate."
And he went round the back of the sofa,
and I was quite surprised, because I'd lived there
for six years, and I'd never
been round the back of the sofa.
The hoover certainly fucking hadn't.
He came back round with what can only be described
as four big, grey, fluffy slippers on.
(audience laughs)
So I sent him back round to finish the job.
(audience laughs)
I don't know if you've ever tried to litter train a cat.
It's normally quite straightforward.
Whenever they look like they're about to do something,
you pick them up and you plonk them in the litter tray.
You hope for the best.
But Chief Brody took a while to cotton on,
kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
And at one point, my fellow and I were
standing over the litter tray, just looking at each other,
going, "Is there anything we could be doing to help him
that we're not already doing?"
And my fellow, because he's so lovely,
he looked down at the litter tray and he went,
"Do you want me to do a shit in it, to start him off?"
(audience laughs)
No. No, I really don't.
It would be end to end.
The cat would be like, "Who the fuck lives here, Aslan?"
The dog didn't know how to play when we first got him.
It was very sad to see, and we'd throw a ball,
he didn't understand.
We got all sorts of toys, he didn't get any of it.
It was really sad.
And then one day, my husband was getting ready for bed,
and as he pulled off one of his socks,
the dog jumped up and grabbed it.
They had a little game. It was so nice to see the dog play.
On further investigation,
we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.
Only likes the ones my husband refers to as meaty.
(audience laughs)
Also doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment,
because I guess it means they're not very meaty,
but I was still quite hurt by that.
But I'm nothing if not competitive in love,
and I thought, "What could I throw at him
that'd be worse than socks?"
(audience laughs)
I love how quick you are.
And I did exactly what you think I did.
(audience laughs)
I throw my pants at him, and he fucking loves it.
(audience applauds)
He runs around with them on his head
like he's scored a goal.
(audience laughs)
But I think I'd quite like an animal at home.
I think that would make the place feel
a little bit more sort of cosy.
Give us a cheer if you've got a pet at home.
(audience cheers)
That's loads of you. See, I'd quite like a cat.
If I could have any animal, I'd probably have a cat.
But I can't have a cat, because my boyfriend's
allergic to cats, so I can't have one.
- [Audience Member] Dump him.
- Well, precisely, flower.
We'll split up and that'll sort it out.
Most people don't have something to look forward to
at the end of a relationship, do they?
I can't wait till he starts fucking other women.
(audience laughs)
I'm off to the pet shop, fuck you.
But if I did get an animal, I'd have to be careful,
because whenever I had animals as a child,
I always loved them a little bit too much.
There's a name for people like me.
It's Hamster Squeezer.
(Sarah grunts)
Look at its little face.
(audience laughs)
When I was about seven, I had a little dog,
and I loved it so much.
Have you ever stroked a dog so hard
you could see the whites of its eyes?
(audience laughs)
When you stroke along its back,
his little back legs buckle because of the pressure.
I do worry about my boyfriend.
Because I love him so much.
Love him so much. No.
(Sarah grunts)
Look at his little face.
Is spunk supposed to be red? No?
(audience laughs)
That's a great reaction.
The women are laughing, and the blokes are going,
"Don't do that. That's not fucking funny."
Now, it's probably quite a good time to tell you
that I'm a lot ruder than I am on the telly.
Brace yourselves.
But I have two friends that look after my cats
when I'm away from home.
One of them is an animal lover, one not so much.
Give us a cheer if you consider yourself
an animal lover.
(audience cheers)
Give us a cheer if you're not really bothered.
(audience cheers)
It's totally fine.
My friend who is the animal lover,
she looks after them because she loves them.
My friend who isn't the animal lover,
she looks after them because she loves me.
It's very sweet.
The friend who is the animal lover,
when she looks after them, she'll take a photograph
of them to send to me,
and underneath the photograph, it'll say,
"Hi, mam." Because they call me mam.
It's not weird, fuck off.
(audience laughs)
And I know that we're close,
because whenever I see them, they always need a shit.
They say, "Hiya, mam, we miss you,
we'll see you soon," and it settles me.
Wherever I am in the country or the world,
it settles me,
because I know that they're safe and that they're happy.
My friend who isn't the animal lover takes a picture
just the same.
But underneath her picture, it'll say,
"Here is the photograph you requested."
(audience laughs)
"They are still alive. I will check again tomorrow."
But they are house cats. They don't go outside.
They will go outside at some point,
but I'm sort of nervous.
I'm nervous for their safety,
but also I'm a little bit worried about
what they might bring back in with them.
I know this is a thing that cats do.
Have we got cat owners in tonight?
- [Audience Members] Yes.
- Quite a few of you.
Now, I know that whatever they bring in,
be it a mouse or a bird,
if it's still alive, I'm to try and catch it
and put it back in the garden,
and if it's dead, I'm to put it in the outside bin.
That's fine.
But what I don't know is what I'm supposed to do
if whatever they bring in is still a little bit ...
(audience laughs)
Twitchy. Has this happened to any of you?
- [Audience Members] Yes.
- Nearly all of you. This is horrible.
Let's get some suggestions, what you think I should do.
Let's start at the top.
So, anybody in the top section got a suggestion
what I should do with a half dead animal? Shout out.
- [Audience Member] Put a bucket over it.
- Put a bucket over it.
(audience laughs)
Have you done that, love?
- [Audience Member] Yes.
- Yes. What animal was it?
- [Audience Member] A bird and a mouse and a rat.
- A bird and a mouse and a rat? At the same time?
Like a tiny little rubbish zoo?
Are these all separate occasions?
- [Audience Member] Separate.
- Yes. You put the bucket over it until-
- [Audience Member] My husband came home.
(audience laughs)
- Until your husband came home.
We've got a feminist in, girls.
(audience laughs)
And then what did he do?
- [Audience Member] Luckily, they'd all died.
- Luckily, they'd all died.
(audience laughs)
That is the best sentence I've heard in ages.
We should all start adding that onto
the end of all of our stories.
"Luckily, they all died."
(audience laughs)
Good answer, lady upstairs.
Anybody in the next section down
got a suggestion what I should do with a half-dead animal?
- [Audience Member 2] Hit it with a spade.
- Hit it with a spade.
(audience laughs)
He didn't even have to think of that, did he?
Just, "Hit it with a spade."
Hit it with ...
Have you done that, love?
- [Audience Member 2] Yes.
- Yes. Oh.
Was it definitely an animal?
(audience laughs)
Haven't got a couple of ex-wives in your garden
or anything?
Anybody else in that section?
- [Audience Member 3] CPR.
- CPR. Oh.
The rest of you feeling such shits now.
(audience laughs)
CPR. Have you done that?
- [Audience Member 3] Yes.
- Yes. What animal was it, love?
- [Audience Member 3] A cat.
- It was a cat?
Either option one, she has not understood the question.
Option two, her cat brought in another cat.
I'm going to go with option two,
because that feels awesome to me.
Anybody in the next section down got a suggestion
what I should do with a half-dead animal?
- [Audience Member 4] Give it back to it
so it can finish it off.
- Give it back to the cat?
So he can finish it off.
Okay, when you say finish it off.
Sorry, you mean eat it?
Sorry, I wasn't ...
(audience laughs)
One tiny, final wank.
A cat couldn't even do that,
because they don't have that kind of hands.
He'd have to do it with its paws.
(audience laughs)
You've just made me mime a cat wanking off a mouse.
Dirty bastards.
So, you mean give it back to the cat
so the cat can eat it.
I like that idea, because that feels
like good parenting, doesn't it?
Because it's like, "Finish your tea,
or you're not playing out."
I like it, it's good.
Anybody else in that section?
- [Audience Member 5] Put it on YouTube.
- Put it on YouTube?
Oh, we've got a young one in.
How old are you, flower?
- [Audience Member 5] 25.
- 25. Get out. Fuck off.
(audience applauds)
Look around you, love. You don't belong.
(audience laughs)
That was so much fun. Sorry.
Being rude to young people. You should try it, it's awesome.
Next level down.
Are you the grand circle?
The lady there, like, "Yes, we're grand." Okay.
So, the grand circle, anybody got a suggestion
what I do with a half-dead animal?
- [Audience Member 6] Bash it with a hammer.
- Bash it with a hammer.
Fuck, where are you from? The Felon?
(audience laughs)
I love that. There's a lady cheering
that I've just implied that she's from The Felon,
because you're clearly from The Felon.
We bash things with hammers.
(Sarah laughs)
Anybody else in that section?
- [Audience Member 7] Chuck it over next door.
- Chuck it over next door.
(audience applauds)
Anything that stops you having to talk
to your neighbours.
Good answer, thank you very much.
Anybody in the boxes or downstairs got a suggestion?
(audience members shouting simultaneously)
Hold on, hold. We're coming back to you.
Say that again, love.
- [Audience Member 8] Put it in a pie,
because you know it's still fresh.
- Put it in a pie, because you know it's still fresh.
(audience gasps)
It's clearly all he's bothered about. "Is it fresh?
Yeah, well I'll eat it.
Doesn't matter what the fuck it is."
Have you done that?
- Oh aye, with chips.
- [Sarah] So, you've had chips with it as well?
And what kind of animals have you put in pies?
- Nothing exciting. Just a pigeon.
(audience laughs)
- Pussy pie is nice.
- Wowzers.
You actually went there, didn't you?
He's doing that with his arm as well,
like he's a fucking winner.
(audience laughs)
Something tells me by how mortified your girlfriend is
that you're not going to get any of that for a while.
(audience applauds)
(Sarah laughs)
So, pie, and there was another one at the back.
Shout again.
- [Audience Member 9] Put it in a cage
and keep it as a pet.
- Keep a half dead animal as a pet.
Have you done that?
- It was fine. It came back to life all right.
- Oh, what animal was it?
- It was a vole.
(audience member applauds)
The lady at the front is a big fan of fucking voles.
"Finally, somebody mentions voles.
How long have I fucking been here?
Nearly half an hour. Nobody's done any vole jokes yet."
And how long did it live?
- It lived for about a month,
and then it escaped.
(audience laughs)
You know why it escaped?
Because it's a fucking wild animal.
It didn't escape, it went home.
Anybody else downstairs?
- [Audience Member 10] Give it to the dog to chew on.
- Give it to the dog to chew on.
(audience gasps)
So I've got to get a dog now?
What do I do with the stuff the dog brings in?
"Give it to your horse." Fucking hell.
This is going to get out of hand.
See, I asked this question when I was
working in Australia last year,
and I would occasionally shit myself.
Slightly forget I was in Australia,
and when people would say things like lizards,
I would think, "Fucking lizards?
I didn't know this might happen. Tiny dinosaurs?"
Because that's what they are.
One lady said, "My cat brings in half dead lizards."
And I said, "What do you do?"
She said, "I take them to the vet, and then after a week,
I go back and check up on them."
I said, "Well, what happens when you go back
and check up on them?"
She said, "Well, the vet always says,
"I managed to revive them, and I've released them
back into the wild,"" and I thought,
"Bless your cotton socks for fucking believing that, love."
(audience laughs)
They must see her coming, mustn't they?
"Fuck, it's lizard woman again."
(audience laughs)
"With her bag of half lizards.
Expecting us to match them all up.
Brenda look, that doesn't go.
The pattern's different. Can you see?
Try that one. No, but I've seen that one
somewhere before."
(audience laughs)
Another lady said that her cat brought in
a half dead parrot.
I said, "What did you do with the half dead parrot?"
She said, "I just put my fingers over its nostrils
for a while."
(audience gasps)
Which is all very well until the parrot realises
it has a mouth.
"Fuck, that was close, that was close."
(audience laughs)
Then one really serious lady,
very straight-faced, she said,
"Drowned it."
I said, "What did you drown?"
She said, "It was a frog."
(audience laughs)
I love the idea of a frog going, "Oh no,
don't put us in the water.
I hate the water. It's my natural habitat,
she's a fucking idiot. Oh no."
My sister said, "Are you going to bury
all of the animals your cats bring in in the garden?"
And I said, "No, because it's the first time
I've had a garden as an adult.
I'm not about to turn it into a pet cemetery."
But then I thought about it,
and there is a plus side to this.
Think of how many magnums I'd have to eat
for all of the little lolly stick crosses.
(audience laughs)
- [Sarah] Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show,
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to Sarahmillican.co.uk. Thanks.