♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫
- Zack's reading Making Money magazine.
He says the greedy monsters in here are just like him:
big ideas for big money.
Zack sees he can get a 900 number,
a small idea, and charge two bucks a call,
small money, he just needs a gimmick.
Jessie's reading letters written
to a Dear Donna advice column.
Lisa always gives the same sound advice as Dear Donna.
Zack hears his friend has a natural ability
to help others and gets a great idea
to exploit her gift for cash.
Kelly shows up with her little sister Nicki.
Zack asks how the cutest pitcher in 7th grade is,
then unnecessarily puts his arm around her.
Then says she's not just cute, she's smart too.
And adds,
- I love this kid.
- Zack's gratuitous affection sends her impressionable
young mind to a fantastical Hip Hop Cinderella story
where Zack has the flow of a drain clogged with rat pubes.
- Before I go, won't you try on a shoe
because you never know it might be you!
- Screech wonders how much they're going to make
with this Teen Line.
Zack breaks out his tiniest calculator
and announces they're filthy rich,
despite the fact that that screen
can only display a maximum of five digits.
Lisa interrupts Zack's premature immature celebration.
Zack tells her about the Teen Line and Lisa,
who has learned from working with Zack in the past,
immediately wants to know about the money.
Zack chides her for thinking about dollars
at a time when helping peers
should be top of mind.
Lisa tells Zack to cut the bullshit
and give her half of everything.
Zack says fine, but no more giving aid
for free and don't say nothing about Teen Line to nobody.
The Teen Line is going OK.
Zack, I mean-
"Nitro".
- Teen Line, this is Nitro.
- Is giving Lisa's advice
wrapped in his very dumb accent.
- How about you writeyour little lady
a love poem.
- Kelly's sister calls and says
she really likes a guy but he's taken.
Nitro asks how he feels about her.
Nicki says the guy said he loves her.
Zack hears nothing familiar about this story
he's a central character in and tells Nicki
to go for it with the guy who has a girlfriend because.
- All's fair in true love and war
- Which isn't even the right quote, but whatever.
Nicki arrives the next day,
looking like an online predator sting operation,
and tells Zack she wants to be his girlfriend.
Zack sees no issue with the fact that she's 13,
but mentions Kelly as a potential obstacle.
Nicki regurgitates Zack's inaccurate quote
about romance and he finally connects
these very large dots.
- Teen line.
- Zack says Nicki must've received advice from a moron,
accurate,
and tells her to beat it before Kelly shows up.
Nicki says she'll go, but not before
she gets a goodbye kiss.
Zack shoves her tiny ass in a locker.
Kelly says Nicki has her first crush!
But she won't say who it is.
Zack says he's probably a great guy
while imprisoning a young girl in a small dark metal box.
Nicki says she won't leave until Zack gives her a kiss,
so instead of walking away from this 90 pound child,
Zack kisses her and embraces her where everyone
in school can see.
Screech says Teen Line is a hit
because Lisa solved everyone's problems!
No problems means
no calls so Zack fires Lisa for doing her job.
Then tries to get out of paying her,
which he only begrudgingly agrees to do
under the threat of blackmail
as Lisa is forced to stoop to his level.
Zack gets the bright idea to start giving bad advice,
so students will be unhappy, then call in for more advice,
creating an infinite loop of income mined from misery.
His first victim?
Telling his friend Slater to break up
with his other friend Jessie.
Jessie's in the middle of explaining to Kelly
that Zack is really kissing her little sister at school
when Slater walks in to break up with her.
Jessie runs off to cry and Zack yells at her
to call Teen Line then scans the room
for more lives to ruin.
He sees the recipient of that jock's poem
and tells her it's plagiarized.
Another happy future bites the dust.
Kelly calls Teen Line and says she thinks her boyfriend
is dating her kid sister!
But instead of coming clean, Zack calls Lisa,
the person he wrongfully terminated,
to beg for advice in this glaringly simple dilemma.
Lisa shrewdly demands the rest of Zack's depression dough,
then says be honest with Kelly and let Nicki off gently.
Fuckin' duh.
Zack thinks he's talking to Nicki, because phones are hard,
and tells Kelly it sounds like this dude
is into her sister and she should be with someone else!
Click bitch.
Then drops his lame accent to tell Nicki
- I'm the one running the Teen Line
and you're the only Kapowski I care about.
But don't tell your sister,
I should let her down gently.
- Don't worry Zack, I won't tell Kelly.
- Whoops, bitch.
Meanwhile, in art class, everybody is fighting
because Zack instigated a school wide
gender war with his malicious and predatory 900 number.
Belding brings this hormone hurricane to his office
where they all realize they got conflicting advice
from Teen Line.
Belding deduces Zack and Screech,
the only unscathed students in the room,
are culpable for this debacle and tells them
they have until tomorrow to make it right.
Zack wants Lisa to fix his many messes,
starting with the young girl
he's told to hook up with him twice.
Lisa says he needs to convince Nicki he's gross,
should be easy enough,
which gives Zack another great idea.
Then Lisa starts undoing Zack's long trail of misguidance,
student by student, wasting valuable time
and energy these youths should be spending on anything else
in the prime of their lives.
Lisa sees Kelly's depressed after being told off
over the phone by a man with a bad accent
and tells her to come to The Max and hide out
in that booth in a very inconspicuous outfit.
Zack arranges a date with Nicki where he performs
a nerd minstrel show.
He introduces Nicki to his pet spider Leonard.
She's into it.
He acts like a messy dork and she's down.
He invites her to the insect rodeo,
and she already has front row seats
because Kapowski women are apparently
the most amazing women on earth.
Zack comes clean that he's actually in love with Kelly.
Nicki realizes Zack did all this to push her away
and shames him for being a dork,
a real dork, because he couldn't tell
a 13 year old girl the truth.
And a mentally battered Kelly picks up the scraps
Nicki was smart enough to leave behind.
And Nicki, heartbroken her older sister
has been brainwashed by this bozo,
is never seen again because she probably
fucking
killed herself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris saw his friend's ability to help others
as a way to get rich quick.
And after leading his girlfriend's little sister on,
told her to hook up with a guy who has girlfriend
which is bad already but even worse
because he was talking about himself,
then when she acted on his advice,
he shoved her in a locker to keep it a secret
from her sister, then became physically intimate with her
in public leading her on more,
then fired the only good thing about his teen line,
and started giving deliberately bad advice
to make the whole school miserable
for his financial gain,
Then told his girlfriend to get lost
and told her little sister
to hook up with him, again.
then used the person he fired to clean up his mess,
and still didn't have the minuscule amount of decency
and courage required to be honest
with a 13 year old girl
until it was his absolute last resort.
Zack Morris is trash.
♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫