[Summer of Animation Intro - Red vs. Blue version]
Vic: So,
you remember when everybody thought Church died and became a ghost?
Right!
Well, turns out he was actually an AI program.
Spoiler alert!
Anyway,
He eventually transferred himself into a memory unit with the hope of reuniting with his ex-girlfriend, Tex,
who was also a computer person thing it turns out.
Yeah, love's complicated like that, I guess.
Anyway!
Church tried to relive his own memories over and over again
just hoping that one day he would find Tex
and they'd be together and live happily ever after.
Only problem is,
sometimes you can't exactly remember everything right!
Second spoiler alert.
Tucker: Church?
Hey, Church!
Church!
Church: Huh? What?
Tucker: I said we could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing!
Church: What?
Are you talkin' about Sheila?
Tucker: Who?
Church:The tank! I-
Oh, wait, right,
that doesn't happen until later.
Sorry.
Tucker: You named the tank Sheila?
Church: I, uh, I...
you know?
Ye-yeah!
I mean,
she just kinda looks like a Sheila to me,
y'know?
So, what were you saying?
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said!
We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing!
Probably 2 or 3 chicks apiece.
Church: Oh, man, listen to you!
What're you gonna do with 2 chicks?!
Tucker: Church, like I've always said,
women are like Voltron.
The more you hook up, the better it gets!
Church: And what chicks are we gonna pick up exactly?
Tucker: What are you,
the rookie?
We've got a whole base full of them right here in the canyon!
Church: Yeah, but--
I'm sorry? What?
Caboose: HI!
I just wanted to let you know,
the general stopped by and picked up the flag!
Also,
I think she likes me!
Church: WHAT?!
Tucker: Yeah! OK! Whatever, moron.
Seriously, dude, what's with this guy??
Church: I, uh...
I gotta go check on something!
Alright, don't panic... just think...
You're reliving your memories.
You're here to find Tex.
As long as you didn't misremember anything,
you should be good!
Tucker's fine.
Caboose is...
typically the way he is.
Canyon seems to be intact.
That means the only thing I could have possibly gotten wrong is--
Fem Sarge: Freeze, dirtbag!
Church: Wellllll, SHIT!
Church: Oh, dear God in Heaven, no!
Fem Sarge: Stow it, Blue!
Thought you could sneak up on our base, did you?
Well,
you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on the Red Team!
And sunshine, it looks like you overslept!
Church: Sarge?!
Is that you?
Fem Sarge: Yes! I can summarize being so swiftly outmaneuvered by your enemy must be--
Church: Oh-ho!
This is so wrong!
This is so fucking wrong!
Fem Sarge: Hey!
Do NOT interrupt me while I am berating you!
Now hurry up and come with me!
Church: Huh?
Female Sarge: You're my prisoner, Blue boy!
Think I'm just gonna let an enemy combatant wander around out here without taking action?
Church: Well, y'know,
you never made a big deal out of it before!
(WHACK)
(Church groan)
PLEASE tell me that was the world's worst fever dream!
Fem Simmons: The prisoner's awake, ma'am!
Church: UGH!
I need mental bleach...
or just regular bleach.
I don't wanna live in this world!
Fem Sarge: Thanks for the sit rep, Private Simmons!
How are upgrades on the defense network coming along?
Simmons: Almost finished, ma'am!
Just waiting on Grif to calibrate the power couplings.
Church: Where am I?
What is with all that noise?
Fem Sarge: Renovations to the base, of course!
What did you think,
we were just standing around all day over here yammering about the mysteries of life?
We've got a war to win, son, and I intend to--
Church: THIS IS RED BASE!?
It's freakin' huge!
(WHACK)
Church: OW!
Sarge: Simmons...
if he interrupts me again,
shoot him in the lap.
Simmons: Yes, ma'am!
(Church groans)
Sarge: Yep, good ol' Blood Gulch Outpost No. 1!
Seemed like it needed a little something extra is all,
so we excavated new sub-levels,
Set up perimeter defenses...
Added a state-of-the-art entertainment facility,
planted an herb garden,
installed a jacuzzi...
Simmons: Don't forget about the new shower head, ma'am!
Female Sarge: Good point, Simmons.
That is a DAMN fine shower head,
with multiple pulse settings!
Church: Where'd you find time to do all this?!
Where'd it come from?!
Female Sarge: Oh, not too long.
When did we get started, Simmons?
Simmons: Uh, last week, ma'am.
Sarge: Hmm. Seemed longer.
Sarge: As for the supplies,
we just put in our requisition with Command.
Church: Wait, you mean we could've...?
All we had to do was...?
WE JUST HAD TO ASK?!!
Fem Grif: HEY!!
What's with all the shouting?!
I'm trying to get some beauty rest up here!
Simmons: Yeah, like rest is gonna fix THAT face.
Church: Oh, God...
just put a bullet in my head.
Sarge: Private Grif,
you're supposed to be calibrating the power couplings!
Female Grif: I know.
That's why I told Donut to do it once she got back with the headlight fluid.
Delegation, bitch!
Fem Donut: I'm back.
No headlight fluid,
but I got a flag thing.
It's in the...
dining room?
Fem Sarge: The dining room!?!
Donut, don't you know anything about interior decorating?!
That cerulean flag is gonna clash with everything in this base!
Donut: Man, who cares about decorating?
If it were up to me, I'd get down on my hands and knees and I'd tear up ALL the carpet in this base!
Donut: What's with the blue guy?
Church: I'm just...
I, I know what I should've expected from you.
I was just NOT ready for it...
Tucker: Hello!
Anybody home?
Damn, this place is a lot bigger on the inside!
Sarge: Grif, apprehend those enemy combatants!
Fem Grif: Uhhhh...
freeze?
Caboose: Hi, Church!
Church: Tucker? Caboose?!
The hell kinda rescue operation is this?!
Tucker: Man, I'm not here for YOU.
I'm here for THEM.
Church and Red Team: WHAT?!
Tucker: Hey, baby!
I've never been with a plus size girl before,
and I bet you've never hooked up in an armed military tank!
How about we scratch a few things off our bucket list-
(gets shot)
OWWW, MY LAP!!
Fem Grif: PLUS SIZE MY FAT ASS!!
...Oh, right.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-ow-owwww...
Sarge: Excellent work, Private Grif!
We may make a respectable soldier out of you yet!
Simmons: Well Sarge,
it looks as though we've successfully captured the entire Blue army.
Sarge: Indeed it does, Simmons!
Radio Command immediately and inform them of the good news.
Simmons: Yes, ma'am.
And might I compliment you on your decisive victory?
Sarge: You might!
Caboose: Soooooo...
What happens to us?
Sarge: Good question, dirtbag.
Ladies?
Let us discuss the terms of the Blue army's surrender.
Lopez.
[Slowly] Lopez!
Keep. An. Eye. On. Them!
Lopez: Si, senorita.
Church: This cannot possibly get--
(Explosion)
(Gunfire)
(Lopez get's taken from behind)
(Thud)
Church: Tex?!
TEX!!
Oh, my God, Tex!
You're here!
Tex: Well, this seems to be where all the action is.
Church: I, uh...
Tex, what's up with your voice filter?
Tex: What voice filter?
Church: Uh, lemme think about this for a second
Yeah, I'm cool with it, but I'm out!
Tucker: Hey, Church!
Chuuuuuuuuuuuurch?
Church?
Church: Huh? What?
Tucker: I was sayin',
How about you and me go for a ride in this tank?
I can show you the cannon!
(In unison) Church, female voice: Tucker, what the fuck is wrong with--!!
Church (Progressing into a female voice): What the fuck is wrong with...?
Fem Church: OH, C'MON!!!