ladies and gentlemen now the ceremonial presentation of tonight's Letters by the way
actual letters from actual viewers and who knows perhaps tonight we could be reading one of yours
260 million people in America we're reading four letters
do the math Einstein
and now the ceremonial presentation of tonight's letters and by the way the ceremonial presentation
of the letters was mentioned the other night in the State of the Union Address by President
Clinton he mentioned it as being one of the last significant uh meaningful ceremonies
that the kids young and old alike look up to all right yeah all right here we go huh time
right ceremonial presentation letter number one letter number one all right letter number one
all right dear Dave did you watch the OJ civil verdict the other night to your paw
uh Ben a Workman Lansing Michigan uh well yeah like everybody I guess I was watching it and I
you know I thought one of the really interesting things about it afterward after they announced the
decision OJ gets in his car and on his way home he stops at the Baskin Robbins and he picks up
some of that uh pint of that uh you know Rocky Alibi or whatever he picked up but more more
interesting than that the kid look how everybody's trying to cash in on the kid who sold O.J the cone
look at this already got a book out take a look at that double scooper unbelievable by Bob Cooper
all right I probably this time don't make me sound quite so fruity you know what I mean
okay I'm sorry I didn't all right number two oh real with that but not so pretty
so letter number two comedy from around the world
uh Dear Dave letter number two begins I'm drunk right now are you well known
sincerely Jim sanzado in a drunken State Saint Joseph Missouri uh let me tell you something in
all honesty I used to drink man that I used to drink I loved drinking I loved everything about
it I quit I had to quit because I had a little too much to drink you know what I'm saying so I quit
I gave it up and I haven't had a drink in like 15 16 years but what a coincidence tonight we're
introducing a brand new product it's called Uncle Dave's non-alcoholic gin look at that
you know why can't somebody come up with a drink that has all the taste of gin but
without the alcohol hey Paul why not try some of this Uncle Dave's non-alcoholic gin
wow great gin taste
yes it's Uncle Dave's non-alcoholic gym through all those times in life when you want the glory
Taste of gin but don't want to get fried ask for it by me you are one clever son of a [ __ ]
right there that's comedy though I'd like to see the Russian do
something like that that's real comedy ain't it
okay now here we go letter number three okay now here we go letter number three okay now here we go
letter number three uh hey Dave sometimes one of your arms seems longer than the other what
gives Charles outs South Carolina well I think I think Charles your eyes are fooling you because my
arms are pretty much actually the same length you know our show is full of little visual tricks like
this which is why tonight we're debuting a brand new segment entitled Late Show optical illusions
on a recent episode Dave appears to be providing some kind of entertainment
but a quick shot of the audience reveals that no entertainment is taking place whatsoever
it's just another one of those amazing Late Show optical illusions all right now
okay here we go better number four camera four here we go hammer in your pants
Dear Dave I just wanted to write and say that you and the entire late show Gang are awesome
sincerely Randall the bishop Eugene Oregon this is a very very nice letter and it means a great
deal to us and thank you very much Randall but you know we really only deserve a very
small amount of the credit the real credit goes to the long list of fine actors who have played
the parts of Biff Henderson one of our stage managers Paul Schaefer of course and Dave
Letterman here on The Late Show in fact we've invited those talented performers to join us
here tonight ladies and Gentlemen please welcome the two actors who have played our stage manager
Biff Henderson over the years Eric McDermott and Tony Wales boys come on in they're there
and now now a nice welcome to the three actors who have played the part of Paul Schaefer over
the years Mark vanacor and Wally Campbell and doing a great job keep up the good work
yes sir
this is the very best rehearsal we've ever had Leonard get out of here Leonard you ain't out yet
he ain't out here is he uh
yeah is that a little attitude Kelly I've been here at three o'clock this afternoon read a memo
added comedy and finally ladies and Gentlemen please say hello to the three actors who preceded
me in the role of Dave Letterman Larry Matheson Mitch semmel and Tony Randall kids come on out
foreign
thank you very much
thank you sir Paul thank you Dave nice to see you great job Dave
thank you very much Dave always a pleasure of my best for your wife