The American satirist Ambrose Bierce published The Devil's Dictionary in 1911.
Of its more than 1,000 entries, about three dozen deal with philosophy or philosophers.
Here are twelve of my favorites.
PHILOSOPHY, n.
A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
TRUTH, n.
An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.
Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation
of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the
end of time.
NIHILIST, n.
A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi.
The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
POSITIVISM, n.
A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent.
Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
CARTESIAN, adj.
Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo
sum—whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.
The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum— "I think
that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher
has yet made.
MOLECULE, n.
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.
It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter,
by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular
and the atomic.
A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether—whose
existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation.
The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions.
The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.
A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter
than the others.
MONAD, n.
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See Molecule.)
According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the monad has body
without bulk, and mind without manifestation—Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of considering.
He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resentment,
for the monad is a gentleman.
Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution
into a German philosopher of the first class —altogether a very capable little fellow.
He is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him,
a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct species.
INNATE, adj.
Natural, inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having
had them previously imparted to us.
The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being
itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed
himself to have given it "a black eye."
Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in
the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of
one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.
MIND, n.
A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.
Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility
of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
From the Latin mens, a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his
learned competitor over the way had displayed the motto "Mens conscia recti," emblazoned
his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's conscia recti."
INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.
Unable to exist if something else exists.
Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them,
but not enough for both—as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.
Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose.
Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself—I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir,
we are incompossible," would convey an equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy
are altogether superior.
UNDERSTANDING, n.
A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof
on the house.
Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and
Kant, who lived in a horse.
SOUL, n.
A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation.
Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had
obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who
became philosophers.
Plato himself was a philosopher.
The souls that had least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots.
Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad-browed philosopher, was a usurper
and a despot.
Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted
against his enemies; certainly he was not the last.