There’s an old saying about working that goes like this : they don’t pay you to do your job, they pay you to deal with the other people at your job.
It’s fair to say that everyone that has had a job before has at least a handful of awful coworker stories, and it's a testament to how true that saying is that we all find them so interesting.
One of the most common stories shared amongst the working class is that of the narcissistic colleague who only focuses on themselves.
This kind of co-worker can be incredibly frustrating, which is why today we’re covering 9 ways to deal with that self-centered colleague at the workplace.
Make sure to stick around for number 1, because boy is it a doozy!
Number 9: Starve them of the attention they are craving.
As interesting as narcissists may think they are, they actually aren’t that complicated of creatures once you get past how annoying they are.
These types of people crave attention and validation at all times, which while frustrating, can also be used against them without you having to start a conflict.
Simply stop giving them attention and they will probably start to leave you alone and look for it elsewhere. But in practice what does this look like?
Well, if they are venting to you about an issue they are having, instead of pandering to them, tell that narcissistic co-worker, “Oh well, that’s life,” and watch their face drop.
If they are telling you a story about themselves, don’t invest yourself in it, and instead focus on your work or a task to distance yourself from the situation.
A little bit goes a long way here, and so you won’t need to be cruel or spiteful, but you also shouldn’t feed their ego when they aren’t considering your feelings or valuing your time.
Number 8: Flip the script on them.
Not only can a selfish colleague be annoying, but they can also contribute to a toxic work environment, which can seriously hamper morale.
Another tactic to combat that is to flip the script on that person, and talk about the things that interest you for a change.
A habit that most of us pick up around co-workers and even friends is to “wait for your turn” to talk about what interests you, and this is usually out of respect to the other person.
A narcissist in the workplace will not share this sentiment, however, which can make it seem like you aren’t being listened to.
A quick fix here is to talk about the stuff that you like before they have a chance to hijack the conversation.
The topic can be anything from a hobby you enjoy to what you had for dinner last night—it really doesn’t matter.
This especially works if the rest of the office knows what you’re doing, and they might join in themselves just to get back at that toxic employee.
Number 7: Don’t expect anything in return.
A great way to prevent yourself from getting annoyed at narcissists, and this goes for both in and out of work, is to stop expecting something in return from them.
By definition, these types of people are almost exclusively interested in themselves, and to them you are just a side character in their much more interesting life.
If you are forced to work with one of these people for a project at work, don’t expect anything but the bare minimum from them, and especially don’t expect sympathy when you end up doing the lion’s share of the work.
There’s no point in doing a bad job on purpose, since that’s the quintessential “cut off your nose to spite your face” tactic that simply never turns out well at work.
Instead, do what you need to do to be done working with them as soon as possible, even if it means biting off more than is fair on a project.
It is unfortunate, but when you have to choose between putting out shoddy work and sucking it up to save yourself future turmoil, the mature answer is the latter.
Number 6: Don’t stoop down to their level and keep your own ego in check.
When you’re dealing with someone whose ego dictates their decisions, it’s only a matter of time before your own gets bruised, and sadly narcissistic workplace bullying is far more common than most people would care to admit.
When your feelings are hurt and the apology you expect never comes, it can be easy to want to lash out, and you’re justified in feeling that way, but there’s a better way to go about things.
Like we said in the previous entry, give up on expecting a normal response from the narcissist, and focus on healing yourself rather than hurting them.
The egos of these people are more delicate than you could possibly imagine, and they don’t even have the tools to recover in a healthy way.
Yeah, you could probably ruin their day with a few well-placed barbs, but what is that going to accomplish except your fellow co-workers seeing you as the bully?
Prove to them and yourself that you are the bigger person, and that even if they can hurt your feelings and your pride, they can’t make you resort to becoming as bad as them.
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Number 5: Don’t call them a narcissist.
This one is a bit silly, but a narcissist’s personality is largely based on the fact that they know themselves very well, and that others have no idea what they are talking about.
Because of this, calling them out on their behavior and even listing obvious traits they have shown will do nothing but make them defensive, and they would much sooner turn things around so that you are actually the self-centered one before they ever admit fault.
As strange as it may seem, narcissists hate that label, probably because they are either so used to the accusation that they have developed counters to it, or more likely because deep down they know that you’re spot on in your assessment.
Number 4: Don’t share opinions with them.
Our opinions help inform others about our perspective on the world, and in some ways sharing them with others at the office is an exercise in trust that they will take them in the right way.
You should not have that sort of trust in a narcissistic colleague, since they often will use it against you, twisting your words and even vilifying you to others.
Don’t give these types of people any sort of ammunition that they can later use against you, and try to focus on factual statements, even when making small talk.
Number 3: Identify them early and don’t get fooled by flattery.
There’s a saying that after a narcissist adores you they begin to hate you, which from many people’s own personal experience seems to hold a lot of truth.
Many complain that these co-workers used to be very kind to them, only to flip on them a short time later.
Narcissists hold people that they find interesting or that have something of value to incredibly high standards, ones that they hope to reach themselves.
Most experts suggest that narcissistic people project their desire to be perfect onto others, only to lash out at them when they find out they are human.
Because of this, you should be cautious around people that seem to put you on a pedestal without merit, since as nice as it might feel in the moment, it is only going to end in pain and frustration.
Number 2: Plan an exit route and set boundaries.
When dealing with a narcissist in the workplace, you should consider yourself more of a goalkeeper than anything else.
All you can really do at work is react and do your best, and it's not realistic to assume you can avoid that coworker forever.
Since you’re going to have to deal with them, you should work on setting boundaries and getting used to telling them no, as narcissists have a habit of regularly crossing boundaries and encroaching on your time and space.
While that is helpful, it isn’t a bulletproof answer, and you should pair it with a clear exit route in case they aren’t taking no for an answer.
Have a rehearsed answer or a way to exit an interaction with them in your back pocket should things get out of hand.
The worst thing to do is to give in to their demands or requests at the expense of yourself, and so try your best to avoid relenting to their pressure and scrutiny.
Number 1: React privately, not publicly.
A really common story that people who work with narcissists tell is that their work is essentially stolen by this toxic co-worker.
If this happens, as narcissists are prone to trying to screw over others in their pursuit of validation, don’t call them out when it happens, and especially not in front of either them or your boss.
Instead, schedule a meeting with your boss and try to explain the situation.
This will almost always tip your boss off to the true nature of that employee, especially if you can provide tangible evidence that the work they are taking credit for was actually yours.
Giving your boss the chance to hear your side of things is valuable, but even more valuable is being able to share what happened without it being twisted by the narcissist.
If you try to call them out, at best it's an extremely awkward moment since they aren’t going to go quietly, and at worst it just drags you into a drawn-out argument that could have been avoided by pulling your boss aside instead.
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