- I'll tell ya something about me up front,
I'm not a tough person. (audience laughs)
Don't let this cashmere sweater fool you.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
Now there's just certain people I have no time for.
Like if you're sexist or homophobic
or if you don't believe in conspiracy theories.
(audience laughs) (applauding)
I just don't understand,
how do you not believe in any conspiracy theories?
I understand not all of 'em, not most of 'em,
but you don't believe in any conspiracy theories?
You just think the government's just batting 1,000
at telling us the whole truth?
(audience laughs)
That's a strong stance to take.
And again, as I said before,
I don't like talking about politics on stage or off stage.
'Cause I don't like talking about things
I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.
But I do know this,
our government's placed in charge of all of its people.
I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.
And I lie to that nigger all the time.
(audience laughing) (applauding)
(laughs) I just love conspiracy theories.
I have my whole life.
Make some up when I'm bored.
Why is it that every time you're getting ready
to take off on an airplane,
and the captain got on over the loud speaker,
you always hear the same, exact thing,
you always hear, "Thank you for choosing us.
"We know you have a lot of choices in the airline community
"and they they all fuckin' suck, so thank you."
(audience laughs)
"We've got a great crew on board for you this evening.
"Barbara's here."
(audience laughs)
"Oh, you gonna love you some Barbara.
"We even got pretty good weather conditions.
"So I'm gonna do my best to get us in a few minutes early
"so that we can just sit on the runway
"for another half an hour."
(audience laughing)
"So just sit back and relax, enjoy yourself.
"Oh but hold up,
"if you don't turn off your phone,"
(audience laughs)
"oh, I swear to God,"
(audience laughs)
"on the lives
"of Barbara's beautiful children,"
(audience laughs)
"this plane will fall from the sky."
(audience laughing) (applauding)
But now they're just like, "Oh, nevermind,
"I guess I had just read too many
"Goosebumps novels late last night.
"I scared myself.
"I should know better, if it gets past 10:00,
"I always tell myself I gotta switch to "Wishbone,"
"you know?"
(audience laughs)
I love wrestling.
It's the best.
People try to make you feel stupid for liking it.
They're always like, "Hey,
"you know that thing you love?
"With the pageantry?"
(audience laughing)
"And the fireworks?
"And the golden belts?
"It's fake."
And I'm supposed to be like, "Oh no!
"You've ripped my world asunder.
"I guess I'll just watch House now."
But really, it should be like,
"Well, no shit it's fake.
"What type of psychopath
"would I have to be
"if I wanted it to be real?"
Oh, you mean the thing where people
have minor disagreements so they body-slam each other?
And there's a guy who carries around a snake in a bag
that he uses to bite his enemies,
but it won't work against The Undertaker
'cause he don't got no blood?
(audience laughing) (applauding)
You telling me that's not on the up and up?
Weird things always bother me.
Like why do I always have to prove to a robot
that I'm not a robot?
(audience laughing)
Why do you even care?
Who put you up to this, robot?
And how do you even want me to prove it?
Would a CAPTCHA,
by putting in a series of random letters and numbers,
that sounds like something a robot would be pretty good at.
(audience laughing) (applauding)
I don't go up to my toaster and be like,
"Hey, prove to me you not my friend, Craig, right now!"
(audience laughing)
"You lookin' a little Craig-like to me.
"Kinda acting like Craig,
"turning my bread into toast,
"that's one of Craig's favorite things."
(audience laughs)
"Oh, that is you, Craig?!"
(audience laughing)
"You love sitting on kitchen counters, dude."
(laughs) (audience laughing)
You pretty happy.
Been happy in general, my son just turned 10 years old.
(audience cheering) (applauding)
Thank you.
It's been a pleasure watching him grow up
from a little bitty baby
into a 10 year old (profanity beeps) psychopath.
(audience laughing)
And you can chart his descent into madness
by how he's changed his stance on pinatas.
(audience laughing)
'Cause when he was a toddler,
he was terrified of pinatas
and it was my job to vanquish them.
Now he treats a pinata like he's a mob boss from New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
And Optimus Prime owes him several thousand dollars.
(audience laughing)
He works it across the knees for a little bit,
(audience laughs)
takes a break so he can kiss his mother
and pay some respect.
(audience laughing)
And then he bashes in the skull
and I take pictures and post it on my Facebook.
So my son is 10, which is wonderful.
He has autism, which can be difficult.
He's also a huge asshole.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) (audience laughing)
Some people don't like it when I call my 10 year old,
disabled child an asshole.
(audience laughs)
To which I always respond,
"If you only use 30 words and your three favorite
"are more, patty cakes, biotch--"
(audience laughing)
Actually, that's pretty cool.
(audience laughs)
I grew up in the south side of Chicago,
which is a very rough area.
I'm not a tough person.
And a lot of women I was going after,
especially a lot of black women,
they like the tougher type of black dudes
because that's what they saw, you know?
That's what the media showed you, you know?
There's only like one or two types of black dudes
they try to show you and there's so many different types,
you know, but they only like to show you a couple,
you know, like thug or dead.
(audience laughing)
And that's not cool.
There's so many different types of black people
just like there's so many different types
of any type of people,
there's just so many different types
of black dudes, in general.
There's like basketball niggas,
there's "Dragon Ball" niggas.
(audience laughing) (applauding)
I'm a proud "Dragon Ball" nigga.
(audience cheering)
That's just who I am and sometimes
that didn't work with the women I was going after, you know?
They wanted more of a tough, strong, dominant black man.
So many of them are like that to the point
I just started pretending like I was that, you know,
if they didn't know me, if they didn't know who I was,
if they didn't know I was a Care Bear cousin inside.
(audience laughs)
But eventually they'd figure it out and they'd be like,
"Look Ron,
"I'm sorry.
"You're a good guy,
"and that's the problem.
"I'm looking for a tough,
"strong,
"dominant black man
"to help take care of me."
And I'd be like, "Well,
"quite frankly,"
(audience laughing)
"so am I."
(audience laughing) (applauding)
"You don't think I wanna ride on The Rock's shoulders?
"Eating an ice cream cone?
"Girl, do you even look at my vision board?"
(audience laughing) (applauding)
He's Duane
The Rock
Johnson.
The Beyonce for boys.
(audience cheering) (applauding)
Oh The Rock is perfect.
He can do no wrong in my eyes.
If I was out on a date with a lady
and we're all cuddled up together,
which sometimes happens,
and then The Rock saw us,
and he was like, "Oh,
"you guys make a cute couple.
"But not anymore,
"'cause I wanna fuck her."
I'd be like, "Well sir,
"I'ma check with her first,
"oh but on this end, there are no issues."
(audience laughing)
I mean if The Rock was hittin' on me,
if his muscular finger went against the nape of my neck, oh.
(audience laughing)
I mean I like to think I'm straight,
but in this days, you know, who really knows?
Maybe I am a rock bottom, I don't know.
(audience laughing) (applauding)
Look, all I really know is if The Rock was hitting on me,
I'd just be like, "Uh (clicks tongue)
"I'm gonna have to see where he's going with this."
(audience laughs)
"But I think I smell what The Rock is cooking."
(audience laughs)
Smell that dick.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat, sassy music)