hey everyone and welcome to top think today we're going to learn about how to stop
being a nice guy now let's begin in recent years the nice guy has become a common male archetype
these single men think they're ignored by the female population they in their own words have
never been given a chance a chance they believe that they deserve so why do they deserve a chance
because in their own words nice guys are nothing like the jerks and cheaters of the world
nice guys think they encapsulate everything a woman should want but are nice guys any
different from the jerks they villainize are nice guys the catches they think they are
now in one way or another we've all run into a man like this maybe your friend's a nice guy maybe
you've dated a nice guy or maybe you've fallen into this toxic mindset but you don't know where
you're going wrong at its foundation the mindset of a nice guy is an innocent misunderstanding
many nice guys struggle to get the attention of women they may not be as attractive as some
other men they may not have a colorful dating history years of disappointment impacts the way
you think no matter who you are nice guys try to figure out why some guys are successful with women
why do they capture her attention while you feel lonely and overlooked this question is a challenge
that many lonely men face a small percentage of men navigate these hardships in a healthy way they
use their difficulties to motivate them to improve themselves and become a more attractive individual
even if they struggled in the past these men usually find success in the future but a larger
percentage develop a toxic way of thinking they adopt a self-centered state of mind that we call
nice guy syndrome now nice guy syndrome revolves around one core belief if you're respectful and
kind to a woman she should pay attention to you nice guys think if i do the decent thing i deserve
her affection while all the other guys the jerks and cheaters don't huh but what happens when that
plan fails what happens when nice guys fall flat on their face they don't recognize the problems in
their own thinking so they play the blame game they attack the entire population of women who
ignore reject or overlook them they say that girls only go for the wrong guys but here's the truth
the problem is not women's taste in men the problem is your mindset alright let's break
this toxic mindset down into smaller chunks the number one issue that plagues every nice guy
is their expectations nice guys enter the dating scene with a set of unreasonable expectations
they treat dating like an exchange of goods like cause and effect if for example if a nice guy
does something polite they believe their manners should be rewarded now in many aspects of your
social life there are elements of social exchange when someone gives you a gift you say thank you if
someone says hello you say hello back it's an exchange one gesture or mannerism for another
but just think about why you do these things do you give someone a gift to get a gift in return do
you say hello so the other person will acknowledge you no of course not but nice guys do exactly that
they do nice polite and respectful things because they expect something in return they believe their
kindness will guarantee them a reward in this case that reward is the affection of someone they like
since nice guys have such high expectations they often feel disappointed frustrated and
insecure they often feel unsatisfied so they're looking for someone to blame
all right let's try an example here a nice guy goes on a date with a girl he opens the door for
her he pays for dinner he's respectful of her space and he doesn't make a move too quickly at
the end of the date he expects her to give him a good night kiss but nothing happens they go
their separate ways and she decides not to go out with him again so what went wrong in the mind of
a nice guy she has bad taste in men she couldn't see the great guy standing right in front of her
she was unfair and she overlooked the guy she should be dating so why does he think this way
because he's holding a toxic expectation that he deserves her attention that his small acts
of decency warrant a romantic relationship now according to psychologist dr robert glover these
exchanges are like unspoken contracts nice guys form these contracts with the women they pursue
but here's where it gets really problematic if a nice guy likes you he forms that contract in
his head he holds up his end of the bargain but he never tells you that you're a part of it he never
gives you a choice that nice guy expects you to satisfy his needs and return every favor whether
you realize it or not these unspoken contracts take a variety of shapes and sizes a simple
contract may be i listen to you complain therefore i should be your boyfriend another one could be
i buy you gifts therefore you should reward me with intimacy contracts and expectations are a
big problem but there's an even deeper issue going on here nice guys are not nice for the
sake of being nice they're nice only because they want something so if a nice guy does you a favor
there are always strings attached even if you don't realize it not only is that manipulative
it's nothing like genuine kindness many women are looking for someone who's kind but not a nice guy
they want someone who's kind because they're really a kind person not someone who does
nice things to earn a reward nice guys like to criticize the bad partners of the world
and there are many bad partners out there guys who are disrespectful guys who are manipulative
but as a nice guy you shouldn't put yourself on a pedestal yes you may have better manners yes you
may be more respectful but your motivations are all wrong and those motivations drive women away
after all the nice guy mindset is very condescending many nice guys say i'm the
kind of guy women should want to date they believe they know exactly what women want they pretend to
be the ideal option and insist that women can't see what's right in front of them oh but that's
not right at all nice guys are generalizing the wants needs and preferences of billions of women
they're assuming women don't know what they want in a partner and to make matters worse nice guys
think they deserve to date any woman on the planet all because they can act like a decent person
ah but here's the truth if you want someone to notice you you have to do more than the
bare minimum you have to be attractive to them as an individual confidence for example is an
area where nice guys struggle good guys as opposed to nice guys have the confidence to be themselves
and that confidence is attractive to potential partners nice guys on the other hand try to be
something that they're not they put on a show to win women over and that's where those expectations
come into play because a nice guy is putting on a show they expect a round of applause afterwards
but a good guy does not expect a reward for being themselves they simply aim to be the
best version of themselves they can be if the other person likes them great if not they move on
because most partnerships fall apart most people are wrong for each other that's just the way
dating goes so how do you unravel the nice guy persona that's infected your dating life
just because you've been a nice guy in the past well that doesn't mean you're a bad person
not at all you like many men may need to challenge your mindset first it's important to acknowledge
this you are not the only good guy in the world yeah there are a lot of bad partners but there
are plenty of good partners too you're not the only suitable option for any woman on the planet
you're not the only guy capable of making her happy second thing challenge yourself to become
a more confident and attractive person now i'm not talking about just your physical appearance
it's true that exercise grooming and a better wardrobe can improve your chances
but physicality is just one aspect of attraction think about whether or not you make your crush
laugh many women fall for guys with a great sense of humor or maybe she's inspired by your ambition
maybe she's interested in your intellectual passions there are hundreds of reasons why
one person may be attracted to another be someone who's worthy of her attention someone
who you're proud to be last but not least don't wait for your crush to give you a chance if you
want her attention you need to go out and get it stop forming unspoken contracts instead vocalize
what you want and how you're feeling because she cannot read your mind now of course your courage
and confidence won't always pay off you'll get rejected your feelings may be unrequited
but that's natural don't accuse her of neglecting you don't attack yourself for being inadequate
when a potential partnership falls to pieces just reflect on and learn from the experience figure
out what worked and what didn't and then try to do better next time so how do you stop being a
nice guy be kind for the sake of being kind be confident because you believe in yourself and
remember this no one owes you anything no matter how nice decent or well-mannered you are hey thank
you for watching top thinking be sure to subscribe because more incredible content is on the way you