♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: HEY, JON.
HOW ARE YA?
>> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I'M FEELING GOOD TODAY.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
>> Jon: OUR GREAT "STAR WARS" DRUMMER JOE SAILOR THE JAZZ
COWBOY IS A FATHER.
>> Stephen: WHAT?!
JOE IS A FATHER!
>> NO!
>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.
BOY?
GIRL?
>> Jon: IT'S A GIRL.
>> Stephen: GIRL!
OH, THAT'S GREAT!
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
>> Jon: CONGRATULATIONS, JOE!
CONGRATULATIONS, LAUREN!
AND BABY COWBOY.
>> Jon: ( LAUGHTER )
COWGIRL.
>> Stephen: SEE YOU JON.
>> Jon: LATER ON!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
UNLOADING THE FRESH GROCERIES THAT ARE THE DAY'S TOP STORIES,
WASHING AND DRYING EVERY PIECE OF PRODUCE, AND NEATLY ARRANGING
THEM IN THE HIGH-END, FRESHLY CLEANED, TOUCHSCREEN ACTIVATED,
SUB-ZERO REFRIGERATOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I GATHER UP SOME JUMBO PACKS OF HOTDOGS, EIGHT
BOXES OF BAGEL BITES, AND A BUNCH OF DISCOUNT DENTED STUFF
FROM THE 7-ELEVEN FROZEN SECTION, HAUL IT DOWNSTAIRS, AND
TOSS IT INTO THE UTILITY ROOM COFFIN FREEZER OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AFTER SPENDING MONTHS ALONE AT SEA
CANADIAN SAILOR BILL NORRIE JUST ARRIVED IN CHRISTCHURCH, NEW
ZEALAND, TO FIND THE WORLD COMPLETELY CHANGED BY THE
CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC."
MUST'VE BEEN QUITE A SHOCK.
"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, THEY MADE A 'CATS' MOVIE?!
AND THEY DON'T HAVE BUTT HOLES?!
SPEAKING OF WHICH, I NEED TO GO BUY SOME TOILET PAPER--
WHAAAAT?" QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE EUROPEAN
SPACE AGENCY HAS ANNOUNCED THAT "HUMAN URINE COULD HELP MAKE
CONCRETE ON THE MOON," AND SAID "THE 1.5 LITERS OF LIQUID WASTE
A PERSON GENERATES EACH DAY COULD BECOME A PROMISING
BY-PRODUCT FOR SPACE EXPLORATION."
INSPIRING WORDS.
REMINDS ME OF THOSE FAMOUS MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS:
"SHOOT FOR THE MOON, EVEN IF YOU MISS, THE 1.5 LITERS OF LIQUID
WASTE YOU GENERATE COULD BECOME A PROMISING BY-PRODUCT FOR SPACE
EXPLORATION."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE FINDING CREATIVE
WAYS TO MAINTAIN SOCIAL DISTANCING WHILE REOPENING THE
COUNTRY.
LIKE THIS DETROIT PRIEST WHO IS SPRAYING HOLY WATER FROM A
SQUIRT GUN.
OF COURSE FOR REALLY BIG SINS, YOU GET THE SUPER SAVIOR.
I GOTTA SAY, THIS IS ONE CHANGE I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP WHEN THIS
IS ALL OVER.
IT MAKES CHURCH FUN!
LET'S KEEP HOLY WATER SQUIRT GUNS!
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LOG-FLUME BAPTISMS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THERE ARE NOW SO MANY STORIES ABOUT USING
PUPPETS AND DOLLS TO FILL EMPTY SEATS THAT I REGRETFULLY
INTRODUCE MY BRAND NEW LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT,
"FIGURINE-WHILE."
FIGURINE-WHILE, LAST WEEK I TOLD YOU ABOUT A RESTAURANT USING
MANNEQUINS TO ENSURE CUSTOMERS PROPERLY SOCIAL DISTANCE.
WELL, ONE RESTAURANT IN SOUTH CAROLINA SAW THAT AND SAID "HOLD
MY FACE MASK."
>> A REAL LIFE OWNER AT THE OPEN HEARTH GREETS DINERS.
AND THEN SEATS THEM NEXT TO A COUPLE OF BLOW UP DOLLS.
RATHER THAN BLOCKING OFF TABLES TO ACHIEVE SOCIAL DISTANCING,
PAULA STARR DECIDED TO HAVE SOME FUN.
>> STEPHEN: THE PERFECT IDEA FOR ANYONE WHO EVER WALKED INTO A
RESTAURANT AND SAID, "I LOVE THE FOOD AND AMBIANCE.
I JUST WISH IT COULD FEEL MORE LIKE WHEN I'M DONE, SOMEONE IS
GOING TO WEAR MY SKIN AS A CAPE."
BUT THE OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT ASSURES US THAT NONE OF THIS IS
TERRIFYING.
>> THEY ARE VERY HUMOROUS AND HAVE NICE FACES.
THE LADIES HAVE PRETTY MAKEUP ON.
>> STEPHEN: "AND THEY'RE EXCELLENT COMPANY.
THIS IS GINGER.
SHE HAS JUST THE FUNNIEST JOKE SHE WANTS TO TELL YOU, BUT SHE
SAYS IT'S ONLY FUNNY IF YOU HEAR IT IN MY BASEMENT."
GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) FIGURINE-WHILE, SOUTH KOREAN
SOCCER HAS RESUMED TO EMPTY STADIUMS, AND ONE TEAM BOUGHT
DOLLS TO FILL OUT THE STANDS.
JUST ONE PROBLEM, THEY ALL "TURNED OUT TO BE SEX DOLLS."
OH, COME ON.
THAT DOESN'T PASS THE SMELL TEST.
AND I'M GUESSING NEITHER DO THE DOLLS.
HOW DO YOU ORDER THAT MANY SEX DOLLS AND NOT KNOW THEY'RE SEX
DOLLS?
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I ORDERED A FEW DOZEN OF THESE GIANT-BREASTED, POSEABLE PLASTIC
WOMEN AND SOMEHOW THEY TURNED OUT TO BE SEX DOLLS!
DARN IT!
MY BAD, I'LL JUST PACK THESE UP AND SHIP THEM TO A RESTAURANT
IN SOUTH CAROLINA."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, TWITTER HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL START
ALERTING USERS WHEN A TWEET MAKES DISPUTED OR MISLEADING
CLAIMS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
AND MISLEADING TWEETS WILL NOW HAVE "A LABEL UNDERNEATH THAT
DIRECTS USERS TO A LINK WITH ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT
COVID-19."
'CAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE INTERNET
HOAXES ARE LOOKING FOR, IT'S "ADDITIONAL INFORMATION."
"NO THANKS, I'VE GOT ALL THE PEER-REVIEWED RESEARCH I NEED
FROM EAGLE-GLOCK-88."
OF COURSE, INACCURATE CORONAVIRUS TWEETS
ARE JUST THE TIP OF THE IMPRECISE-BERG.
WHICH IS WHY TWITTER IS ROLLING OUT A WHOLE NEW SET OF LABELS.
>> HELLO, I'M JACK DORSEY AND AT TWITTER WE'RE DOING OUR PART TO
STOP FAKE NEWS BY LABELING ANY TWEET THAT SPREADS
MISINFORMATION ABOUT COVID 19.
BUT WE'RE ALSO ROLLING OUT LABELS FOR OTHERS WHO STRETCH
THE TRUTH.
USERS WILL BE WARNED IF A BRUNCH WAS NOT EPIC.
DEMOCRACY DICE IN DARKNESS.
WE'RE ALSO LOOKING AT TWEETS LIKE RUFFLES NOT BAG BEING AS
GOOD AS REGULAR CHIPS.
THESE TWEETS WILL BE OUR NEW NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYTHING YOU
THINK LABEL.
WE'VE MADE A LABEL FOR SOMEONE WHO STEALS A JOKE AND TRAYS TO
PASS IT OFF AS THEIR OWN.
A LABEL WILL NOW REFLECT THESE MEMES.
I KNOW LABELS MIGHT TAKE GETTING USED TO.
BUT REST ASSURED THAT DESPITE THESE CHANGES, WE AT TWITTER
WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE NO ACTION AGAINST WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND
OTHER PEOPLE WHO USE HATE SPEECH ON OUR WEB SITE.
IT WOULDN'T BE TWITTER WITHOUT THEM.
I'M JACK DORSEY.
YOU PICKED ON ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.
NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: THANKS, JACK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELMO.
♪ ♪