♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
JON, HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jon: MAN, YOU KNOW, I'M PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT
SURPRISED.
>> Stephen: NO, SAME HERE.
DEEPLY SADDENED.
DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY.
>> Jon: IT'S -- IT'S SOMETHING THAT I HOPE DOESN'T OVERSHADOW
WHAT HAPPENED IN GEORGIA.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE WERE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF LAST
NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE HISTORIC, A, FLIP OF THE STATE
TOTALLY AND THE FACT THAT RAPHAEL WARNOCK IS THE FIRST
AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO REPRESENT GEORGIA EVER IN THE SENATE.
( APPLAUSE ) IN THE SENATE.
>> Jon: YES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE PASTOR OF EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH!
>> Jon: YES, THIS IS MONUMENTAL.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE OVERSHADOWED OR OVERLOOKED IN
ANY WAY.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL IS SO DISHEARTENING, I JUST WANT
TO KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF PRIVILEGE FEELS LIKE, THE
AUDACITY TO NOT EVEN HIDE YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY IN D.C., FROM A BIG
FAMILY, A LOT OF THEM IN D.C., AND A COUPLE WERE DOWN IN D.C.
TODAY AND THEY SENT ME BACK A PHOTOGRAPH RIGHT AT DUSK OF THE
CAPITOL BUILDING, ALL LIT UP IN THE BACKGROUND.
>> Jon: WHOO!
MAN...
>> Stephen: ALWAYS MOVING.
ON ANY DAY YOU COME AROUND A CORNER IN D.C. TORE THE TRAIN
STATION AND SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT'S VEG MOTTO SEE.
WHOEVER'S IN GOVERNMENT OR IN POWER, THAT SIGHT IS INCREDIBLY
MOVING TO SEE.
BUT THEY SENT ME A LITTLE NOTE TO SAY WE'RE DOWN HERE, JUST
WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.
SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.
AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL RIGHT.
BUT WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THAT LOVE IN OUR HEART FOR OUR SHARED
VALUES, OUR SHARED LOVE OF FREEDOM, AND OUR SHARED ABILITY
TO SETTLE OUR GRIEVOUS BY DISAGREEING AT THE BALLOT BOX,
NOT WITH BULLETS.
>> Jon: WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES WINS, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
WE CAN FIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST VOTE, BUT AFTER THAT WE MOVE
FORWARD TOGETHER.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC FOR THE MOMENT?
>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, GEORGIA WAS SWINGIN'.
IT DON'T MEAN A THING.
♪♪♪ ♪ IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING ♪
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE MY MIND IS AT.
♪♪♪ YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> Jon: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.
LATER ON.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
CAREFULLY SOLDERING THE MOST TOPICAL SUPER-CONDUCTIVE CIRCUIT
BOARDS, CRAFTING THE NEWSIEST LIGHTWEIGHT CARBON FIBER LIMBS
STUDYING HUMAN MOVEMENT PATTERNS, AND BALANCING
PRECISION INTERNAL GYROSCOPES TO CREATE THE CUTTING-EDGE
STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SNORT SOME BATH SALTS, BREAK IN TO AN
ABANDONED TOYS-R-US, DIG THROUGH THE BIN OF DEFECTIVE REJECTS,
AND GLUE SOME BUSTED PARTS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE DEMENTED
FRANKEN-FURBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A HARVARD
PROFESSOR HAS CLAIMED IN HIS NEW BOOK THAT ALIEN DEBRIS PASSED
NEAR EARTH IN 2017," AND THAT THE OBJECT ACTUALLY "COULD HAVE
BEEN ALIEN SPACE JUNK."
I DON'T KNOW.
ALIEN GARBAGE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
WHOA!
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GARBAGE, BUT THAT DEFINITELY APPEARS TO
BE SOMEONE'S JUNK.
PLEASE, HAVE YOUR ALIEN SPAYED OR NEUTERED.
NOT COOL, ALIENS.
THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP INTERSTELLAR PENIS PIC.
WE'RE NOT YOUR GALACTIC BOOTY CALL, OKAY?
REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "ARRIVAL."
( GROWLING ) ( HEAVY BREATHING )
>> STEPHEN: THE HARVARD PROFESSOR, AVI LOEB, HERE,
ADDED-- AND AGAIN, HE IS A HARVARD PROFESSOR-- "WE'RE
PROBABLY NOT ALONE, AND MOREOVER WE'RE PROBABLY NOT THE SHARPEST
COOKIE IN THE JAR."
SO EITHER THIS GUY SHARPENS HIS COOKIES, OR HE IS NOT
THE BRIGHTEST BULB SHORT OF A SIX-PACK.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW BURP-CATCHING MASK FOR COWS
COULD SLOW DOWN CLIMATE CHANGE.
AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE MASK HAS BEEN CATCHING MY BURPS ALL YEAR,
LET ME SAY TO THE COWS IN ADVANCE-- I'M SO SORRY.
THE MASKS ARE DESIGNED TO REDUCE METHANE, A POWERFUL GREENHOUSE
GAS EMITTED BY LIVESTOCK.
AND SCIENTISTS SAY THE MASK HAS NO IMPACT ON THE ANIMAL'S
BEHAVIOR AND FEEDING.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE THAT SHINY BLACK LEATHER HAS A REAL S&M FLAVOR.
MAKE SURE BESSIE HAS A SAFE WORD.
(WHISPERED) PUMPKIN PATCH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CELEBRITY COUPLE NEWS, KIM KARDASHIAN AND
KANYE WEST ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
NO, NOT KIM-YAY KAR-WEST-IAN!
KIM-YE-STIAN KARD-WASHYE?
THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON!
FAME.
AND...
LOUIS VUITTON SUBMARINES, I THINK?
IT WAS A CLASSIC STORY: BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL BREAKS INTERNET
WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASS ON HER BUTT, BOY GETS IN YEARS-LONG
FEUD WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, GIRL STUDIES FOR THE BAR EXAM, BOY
RUNS FOR PRESIDENT AND GIVES GIRL A HOLOGRAM OF HER DEAD
FATHER AT HER PRIVATE ISLAND BIRTHDAY PARTY DURING A
PANDEMIC...
IT'S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE 2021 GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED OVER
COVID-19 CONCERNS.
MEANING THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO NOMINATE MY SPOKEN WORD
ALBUM, "ELEVENTY-ONE LIMERICKS ABOUT HOBBIT BIRTHDAYS."
"THERE ONCE WAS A PARTY FOR BILBO.
HE HAD ENOUGH CAKE FOR HIS FILL, THOUGH.
SO HE PUT ON HIS RING, AND HAD A HOT, PRIVATE FLING
WITH A 13-INCH-LONG PLASTIC"-- A AND I'M BEING TOLD WE CAN'T
FINISH THIS POEM ON CBS.
DON'T SNUB ME AGAIN, ACADEMY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN THE COMPLEX WORLD OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS,
DENMARK HAS LAUNCHED A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW ABOUT A MAN
WITH GIANT PENIS.
WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.
GOOD GOD, I FOUND WALDO!
AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE INAPPROPRIATE FOR KIDS TO SEE,
THAT THIS GUY HAS A PREHENSILE PEEN OR THAT HE'S USING IT TO
DUMP LIGHTER FLUID ON A BARBECUE.
BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING TO GRILL YOUR WIENER!
ALSO, GOT TO SAY, THAT ONESIE MUST TAKE FOREVER TO PUT ON.
THE CHARACTER'S PENIS IS SO LONG AND VERSATILE THAT IT CAN
PERFORM RESCUE OPERATIONS, ETCH MURALS, HOIST A FLAG AND EVEN
STEAL ICE-CREAM FROM CHILDREN.
I'M GUESSING THAT'S A SHORT EPISODE: "HEY, GIVE MY KIDS BACK
THEIR ICE CR-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ALL YOURS."
THAT'S GOOD.
JIMMY, RUN.
THE SHOW IS GETTING A LOT OF CRITICISM, BUT ONE PSYCHOLOGIST
THINKS THE CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY, SAYING, THE
CHARACTER "JOHN DILLERMAND TALKS TO CHILDREN AND SHARES THEIR WAY
OF THINKING-- AND KIDS DO FIND GENITALS FUNNY."
JUST BECAUSE KIDS THINK SOMETHING'S FUNNY DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR TV.
OTHERWISE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN "MR.
ROGERS GETS WRACKED IN THE SACK."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JEFF BEZOS JUST NAMED A HUGE ROCKET
RECOVERY SHIP AFTER HIS MOM," JACLYN.
GREAT FOR JEFF BEZOS.
SUCKS IF YOU'RE HIS BROTHER, MARK BEZOS.
(AS MOM) "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY NAME
ON YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP BOAT, JEFFREY.
AND WHAT DID YOU GET ME, MARK?
OOH, YANKEE CANDLE?
THAT'S...
GOOD."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE ONE OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS
FIGHTING TO STAVE OFF FINANCIAL RUIN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS:
"WITH A NET WORTH OF MORE THAN $185 BILLION, ELON MUSK IS NOW
THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, PASSING JEFF BEZOS."
NEAT!
HE CAN PUT HIS MOM'S NAME ON HIS ROCKETS!
THEN, JEFF'S MOM'S ROCKET-CATCHING BOAT CAN CATCH
THEM WHILE ALSO CATCHING JEFF'S ROCKETS AND THEY CAN HAVE A
BILLIONAIRE SPACE-ROCKET BOAT-CATCHING PARTY, AND THIS
COUNTRY IS SO SCREWED.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, JAPAN IS SEEKING TO BOOST ITS BIRTHRATE
BY FUNDING THE USE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO HELP MATCH
LONELY HEARTS.
THAT'LL BE FUN TO TELL THE KIDS.
"DAD, WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH MOM?"
"WELL, SON, I KNEW WHEN THE GOVERNMENT ROBOT SAID SO."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL BROSNAHAN.
♪♪♪