WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT, TO
ME, FOR THE -- WHAT, LAST FIVE YEARS, IT FEELS LIKE
AMERICA HAS BEEN TRAPPED IN AN ABSURDIST PLAY.
AND NOT ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.
WHICH IS NONE OF THEM.
NO SINGLE HEADLINE HAS CAPTURED THE NATIONAL ZEITGEIST OF
EXISTENTIAL DREAD COMBINED WITH RIDICU-STUPULOUSNESS BETTER THAN
THIS ONE: RUDY GIULIANI HAS BEEN REVEALED
AS A CONTESTANT ON "THE MASKED SINGER."
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE CRIMINAL GOON, THAT WE KNOW FOR A FACT IS BEING INVESTIGATED
FOR TRYING TO OVERTHROW OUR DEMOCRACY FOR HIS IDIOT EMPEROR,
WAS YUKKING IT UP ON A REALITY SHOW.
THERE HASN'T BEEN ANYTHING THIS SHOCKING SINCE LEE HARVEY OSWALD
MADE A GUEST APPEARANCE ON "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH "THE MASKED SINGER,"
CONGRATULATIONS.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
A BUNCH OF WHAT ARE CALLED "CELEBRITIES" IN COSTUMES
SING FOR A PANEL OF JUDGES, AND EACH WEEK, THE LOSING SINGER
GETS "UNMASKED."
WE'VE NOW LEARNED THAT RUDY WAS UNMASKED DURING LAST WEEK'S
TAPING OF THE FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON 7.
TRULY A SHOCKING REVELATION.
I CANNOT BELIEVE "THE MASKED SINGER" HAS HAD SEVEN SEASONS.
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
AND HOW?
HOW, GOD?
( APPLAUSE ) HOW!
RUDY'S EPISODE HASN'T AIRED YET, SO WE DON'T KNOW MUCH BEYOND
THAT.
FOX ISN'T REVEALING WHAT HIS SWAN SONG WAS, OR WHICH ANIMAL
COSTUME RUDY WORE.
THOUGH IT WAS SAFE TO ASSUME HE WAS A JACKASS.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UPSET, BUT
-- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE MAD ABOUT THIS, NATURALLY.
( APPLAUSE ) A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UPSET, BUT,
KEEP IN MIND: IT MAY NOT BE THE PRODUCERS' FAULT.
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT RUDY JUST WANDERED ONTO THE FOX LOT AND
PASSED OUT IN THE COSTUME.
(AS RUDY) "AH!
WHERE AM I?
START SPREADING THE NEWS!" ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
HE SINGS THAT WHEN HE WAKES UP.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING, WE'RE ALL
IN TV, WE KNOW HOW ALL THIS WORKS,
NOW, I'M SURE FOX IS GOING TO GET HUGE RATINGS FOR THIS, BUT
REPORTEDLY, THE RUDY REVEAL DID NOT GO OVER WELL IN THE ROOM.
WHEN HE TOOK OFF HIS MASK, JUDGES KEN JEONG AND ROBIN
THICKE QUICKLY LEFT THE STAGE IN PROTEST.
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) YES.
THEY LEFT IN PROTEST, JON.
>> Jon: THEY WANTED TO GET OUT OF THERE.
>> Stephen: OR THEY LEFT IN TERROR.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, ONE OF THE MOST CHILLING
PHRASES IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS "SURPRISE!
IT'S RUDY GIULIANI!" ( LAUGHTER )
JUST ASK THE CREW OF "BORAT."
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE HIM WHIP OUT HIS HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ OH, MY GOSH!
OH, OH ♪ ♪ OH, MY GOSH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S LIGHTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT.
IN PLAGUE NEWS, COVID CASES ARE FALLING ACROSS THE COUNTRY, AND
VACCINES ARE HOLDING UP.
IN FACT, ACCORDING TO NEW C.D.C. DATA, BOOSTED AMERICANS
ARE 97 TIMES LESS LIKELY TO DIE OF COVID THAN THE UNVACCINATED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE BOOSTED AGREE.
AND, SOMEHOW, THAT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH TO CONVINCE SOME FOLKS TO
GET THEIR SHOTS.
IMAGINE HEARING "YOU'RE 97 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO SURVIVE BUNGEE
JUMPING IF YOU USE A ROPE INSTEAD OF JUST TYING OFF YOUR
JUNK AND GOING, "HELL NAW, STAPLE MY DING-DONG
TO THE BRIDGE!
I GOT NATURAL IMMUNITY TO GRAVITY!
YEEE-HAW!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND SOON, GETTING IMMUNIZED
MIGHT BE EVEN EASIER, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE DEVELOPING
NASAL VACCINES.
THE MEDICINE GOES RIGHT UP YOUR NOSE.
TURNS OUT, DON JR. WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGHT COVID THIS WHOLE
TIME.
(AS DON JUNIOR) "YOU WANT TO JOIN ME IN THE
BATHROOM FOR A QUICK BUMP OF IMMUNE AT THIS?
OKAY, OKAY.
CAN'T FEEL MY EYEBALLS.
OKAY."
THE NASAL VACCINE MAY BE EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE, AND GETTING IT
LOOKS DIGNIFIED.
AFTERWARDS, THEY JAM THE LOLLIPOP RIGHT UP THERE.
"THERE YOU GO, LITTLE GIRL.
HOPE YOU LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IN OTHER COVID NEWS, WE'VE LEARNED THAT LAST YEAR, A TEAM
OF SCIENTISTS SEARCHING FOR THE CORONAVIRUS IN NEW YORK CITY'S
WASTEWATER SPOTTED SOMETHING STRANGE IN THEIR SAMPLES.
CAN I GUESS?
MOB FINGERS!
TIMES SQUARE ELMO TEETH!
ALL THE ROCKETTES WHO DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT?
( LAUGHTER ) NO?
WELL, TURNS OUT, WHAT THEY ACTUALLY FOUND WAS A UNIQUE
CONSTELLATION OF COVID MUTATIONS THAT HAD NEVER BEEN REPORTED
BEFORE IN HUMAN PATIENTS THAT SCIENTISTS ARE CALLING
"CRYPTIC LINEAGES."
OH, YEAH!
I'VE HEARD THE CRYPTIC LINEAGES IN THE NEW YORK WATER IS WHAT
MAKES THE BAGELS SO GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN'T GET THAT IN ANY OTHER
CITY.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF COVID MISINFORMATION OUT THERE
AND THERE'S STARTING TO BE SOME KARMIC RETRIBUTION FOR THE
PEOPLE SPREADING IT.
TAKE FACEBOOK.
TODAY, ON WALL STREET, YOUR MOM'S FRIEND'S ONLINE HANGOUT
LOST 26% OF ITS VALUE, OR $230 BILLION, WHICH IS THE
BIGGEST ONE-DAY MARKET VALUE DROP EVER FOR A U.S. COMPANY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY THE DROP?
FINANCIAL ANALYSTS SAY I'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CLICK ON THE
PHOTO OF YOUR COUSIN'S BABYSITTER'S WEDDING!
( LAUGHTER ) THEY HAD A DONUT WALL!
AND A GLAZING STATION.
BUT THAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!
IT WAS AN ESPECIALLY ROUGH DAY FOR FACEBOOK C.E.O. AND ROBOT
FAILING TO EXECUTE THE SMILE PROTOCOL, MARK ZUCKERBERG.
FACEBOOK'S STOCK FREE-FALL CAUSED ZUCKERBERG'S WEALTH TO
PLUNGE BY $31 BILLION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?"
"EH, A COUPLE HICCUPS.
I LOST MY UMBRELLA, MY SHOELACE BROKE, AND I PERSONALLY LOST THE
G.D.P. OF LATVIA.
( LAUGHTER ) MORE GOLD SHAVINGS IN YOUR
CHABLIS?" SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN A HOTBED
OF ANTI-SCIENCE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, AND AMERICA'S NOT
THE ONLY COUNTRY LOADED WITH ANTI-VAXHOLES.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT NOW, CANADA'S CAPITAL,
OTTAWA, IS BEING BESIEGED BY A GROUP OF ANTI-DO-ANYTHING-
ABOUT-COVID TRUCKERS CALLED THE "FREEDOM CONVOY."
FORGET SPOTIFY-- CANADIAN TRUCKERS ARE SPREADING COVID
MISINFORMATION ON C.B. RADIO.
"BREAKER, BREAKER 1-9.
WHAT'S YOUR 20?
I'M EIGHT MILES OUTSIDE THE CHICKEN COOP LOOKING FOR SOME
GO-GO JUICE, BUT BILL GATES ALREADY KNOWS THAT.
BACK IT DOWN, SMOKEY'S ON THE FLIP-FLOP WITH HIS EARS ON AND
BALLS LARGE.
COME ON BACK, TEDDYBEAR."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I GOT SEAT COVERS
GOING BY A BUBBLE GUM MACHINE, GOT YOUR SMOKE DETECTOR ON?
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
THESE PROTESTERS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THEIR NEIGHBORS TO
THE SOUTH-- THE DEEP SOUTH.
BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON THAT NO ONE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO
EXPLAIN, MANY OF THEM ARE HOLDING CONFEDERATE FLAGS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SECEDE FROM A COUNTRY YOU WEREN'T PART
OF.
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH, WHO COULD FORGET
CANADA'S GREAT CIVIL WAR HERO, STONEWALL BEAVER?
( LAUGHTER ) THESE FLAGS OF HATRED AREN'T THE
ONLY UGLY PART OF THIS PROTEST.
CANADIAN AUTHORITIES SAY URINE STAINS WERE SEEN ON SNOW
COVERING THE NATIONAL WAR MEMORIAL, AND DEMONSTRATORS WERE
ALSO SEEN DANCING ON THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER.
THAT'S REPREHENSIBLE.
THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT ON "THE
MASKED SINGER."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A NATIONAL
EMBARRASSMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, CANADA?
THANK YOU.
I'M SO GLAD WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES ANYMORE.
IN FACT, "US WEEKLY" JUST FEATURED THE TWO COUNTRIES IN
"WHO DISGRACED IT BEST?" AND, I'M BEING TOLD IT'S STILL
US.
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO OFFICIALS, THERE'S A "SIGNIFICANT ELEMENT"
FROM THE U.S. IS INVOLVED IN THE SELF-DESCRIBED "FREEDOM CONVOY"
IN CANADA.
OH.
ON BEHALF OF ALL AMERICANS, CANADA, LET ME JUST SAY,
"SORRY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE IN THE STATES, IN ADDITION TO ANGER ABOUT COVID, THERE'S
ALSO ANGER ABOUT SHORTAGES.
LIKE THIS WEEKEND OUTSIDE PHILADELPHIA, WHEN A MASSIVE
BRAWL BROKE OUT AT A GOLDEN CORRAL BUFFET, WITH A MOB OF
PATRONS HURLING PUNCHES AND CHAIRS.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW GOLDEN CORRAL, IT'S WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR
DATE WHEN THEY'RE NOT QUITE WORTH SPENDING SIZZLER MONEY.
SO, WHY WOULD THIS NORMALLY-PEACEFUL MEAT TROUGH
BECOME A PLACE FOR A VIOLENT BEEF?
A LACK OF BEEF.
>> OFFICERS ARE STILL LOOKING INTO WHAT CAUSED THE ARGUMENT.
>> FROM WHAT I HEARD, IT WAS OVER STEAK.
APPARENTLY, SOMEBODY CUT IN LINE.
>> HIS FRIEND HEARD THE SAME DETAILS.
>> THERE WAS A SHORTAGE OF STEAK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I AM LOVING THIS NEW
SEASON OF "MARE OF EASTTOWN."
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S CHECK OUT SOME FOOTAGE
FROM THE FIGHT: ( SCREAMING )
>> OH, (~BLEEP~)!
>> STEPHEN: AND I'M BEING ASSURED THAT THIS IS SOMEHOW
DIFFERENT FROM A NORMAL NIGHT AT GOLDEN CORRAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID YOU SEE THAT BABY CHAIR FLY?
LOOK AT THAT.
DON'T WORRY, THE CHILD LANDED SAFELY N A TRAY OF NANER
PUDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS DUA LIPA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "FIRST DRAFTS" OF VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS
WITH MY VALENTINE, EVIE.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )