- I play golf, I'm not good at golf,
I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one.
But I did hit a guy.
And that's way more satisfying.
(audience applauds)
You're supposed to yell fore.
But I was too mumbling
there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.
- Okay this next character
I've been working on for a while,
it's called gay snake.
(audience laughs)
(hisses) (audience cheers)
- It's the politically correct term,
because one time I messed up and I called myself fat
around my mom and my mom was like,
"You're not fat, you're just fluffy."
(audience laughs)
And she broke it down.
She told me that there were five different levels
of fatness, for real, she says there's big,
there's healthy, there's husky, there's fluffy,
and there's damn!
- A drunk driver's very dangerous.
Everybody knows that.
But so is a drunk backseat driver
if he's persuasive.
(audience laughs)
Dude make a left.
Those are trees.
Trust me.
- And so I have this new phenomenon in my life,
where like, late at night,
on the street,
women will see me as a threat.
That is funny, yeah, that is silly.
That is silly.
It's kind of flattering in its own way,
but at the same time it's weird because like,
I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.
- Every man in this room has a crazy woman story,
like every man has like,
oh remember Christine, Christine was crazy.
Christine was so crazy, remember?
I had my new girl and Christine come's like
where that bitch at I was like, what's going on?
I got my new girl, get out of here Christine,
Christine was crazy, right?
Christine was crazy, aw, memories.
(audience laughs)
And every dude in here has that story,
and I was like, why don't women have crazy men stories?
Like why don't women have crazy men stories,
I don't really hear 'em.
And then I realized I was like oh,
it's because if you've got a crazy boyfriend,
you gon die.
- You know when the flight crew's southern.
You're walking to your seat, really,
we're already talking about the fourth of July?
It's February.
That's small talk you can't teach.
(audience laughs)
You either got it or you don't.
- Do you guys know that you turn
into demons when you (bleep)
are you aware of that?
Is that a thing that you are conscious of?
It scared me the first time it happened a lot.
I did not see it coming, 'cause you're so sweet to us
up until that moment,
it's just like oh baby, and then it's just like bluh ah,
and I'm like whoa!
Where's Scott?
What did you do with Scott?
- I was getting ice cream.
9-year-old kid in front of me orders pistachio ice cream.
I'm like that's an adult flavored ice cream.
(audience laughs)
What else you want, espresso?
You're nine.
If I was the cashier I wouldn't even give it to him.
(audience laughs)
I would've said pistachio?
Let me see your divorce papers.
- I get why people watch love stories,
I get why you'd watch like a romantic comedy.
Maybe that's your fantasy.
You're like some day that's gonna be me,
I'm gonna fall in love, it's gonna be beautiful,
and you wanna live through the characters.
I get that.
That's not my fantasy.
You know what's my fantasy?
I'm delivering pizza to a sorority.
(audience laughs)
And they can't pay for it.
- When I first got engaged,
all my friends were like oh my god,
lemme see your ring.
Where's that bling, can I see that diamond?
And I don't understand why other ladies
get a lady boner for someone else's jewelry,
like I don't get it.
Like I'm anti-diamond.
I have a very simple wedding band.
'Cause I saw this crazy documentary about these kids
in West Africa
who every day had to walk up a mountain and,
just kidding, he's broke, oh my god.
- I've always found it strange that the penis
after doing anything it does, doesn't retract into the body.
(audience laughs)
Like fully just go away.
'Cause it's kind of like,
you're weak now.
Go home.
- The thing about college is, when you're in college,
it makes sense, but when you go back
and visit college as a grown up,
it's crazy.
Like I realize at this point,
I don't even know how to explain how college works
without it sounding like I'm pitching a sadistic concept
for a reality show.
Just like, all right here's what we do.
We take human beings during the four years
we're the most physically attractive
and sexually able,
and then we put them in an all expenses paid resort
with no supervision and limitless booze.
And then, see if they can learn, huh?
- If you in a relationship with somebody,
and they say this to you,
I can't live without you.
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
Breaking up.
I'ma find away to get out of that relationship,
break it up that day.
Hey, 'cause that sounds like I can't leave you.
You can't live without me so I can't go?
That sounds like forensic files.
(audience laughs)
You about to be on the news boy.
- The hardest part about being vegan
is all of the,
the apologizing.
(audience laughs)
People ask me if I miss meat
or dairy.
I mean I miss being liked.
(audience laughs)
- My mom is a real southern lady.
She's one of these ladies who thinks that our generation,
well we got too many participation trophies
and that's why we are the way we are.
Gay, that's what she pins that on.
But weirdly my mom is also one of these people who's like,
oh no, no,
you cannot take that Robert E. Lee statue down
from my college campus, no ma'am.
And it's like,
but Mom, those statues are histories greatest
participation trophies, you know?
Like, y'all lost, all right.
(upbeat pop music)