Y'know what time it is!?
BACON TIME!
It's time to talk about a show that acts like a hostile government takeover!
Peppa Pig!
So in order to.. "celebrate" this inescapable horror...
Let's talk about...
Okay, I admit, I was wrong.
It turns out even living in a cave won't get you away from this confounded ham and rye.
For Peppa Pig will just come visit you in said cave.
You see today, Peppa and [her] family are exploring caves!
If, you know, the title didn't give it away.
This isn't like your typical guided cave tour though.
We get to see Peppa's family explore a dangerous cave!
Guided by the ever-insane grandpa rabbit!
Who I.. Actually kind of like as a character.
He's probably the best voice performance I've seen in this whole show.
Like, he is just *loving* the role of being the insane old man!
Grandpa Rabbit: LET'S GO ON A WILD, MAD ADVENTURE!!!!
However, it turns out, Mommy and Daddy Pig don't like caves!
Mummy Pig: I'm not too keen on small, dark spaces.
Grandpa Rabbit: Eh.. Like a cave you mean?
Strider: Bringing into question why these overgrown pork rinds brought their four year old children.. To a cave.
But if this dangerous cave exploration wasn't enough...
There's also...
THE RIDE OF DOOM!
More on that later.
First, our walking rasher portions venture 100 meters down into the cave.
Grandpa Rabbit: Imagine if you will, the tons and tons of rock sitting just above our heads!
Strider: I love this guy!
Finally, they reach the end of the tunnel, and are lead to.. A dark chasm!
Grandpa Rabbit: It's wonderfully deep!
Strider: I'm afraid we'll be having no bacon pancakes today.
You see, they finally reached THE RIDE OF DOOM!
Which is a zipline that rockets down the cave at terminal velocity.
What could possibly go wrong?
Our ever-sensible buddy Daddy Pig is concerned about heights and asks for another way down.
So instead he's kicked off the cliff!
Geez, this poor guy can just never get a break.
Honestly, there's not much to make fun of safety-wise here.
The kids explore the caves with trained adults, and only the adults are made to feel uncomfortable.
Honestly, I just wanted to explore this episode with you. I think it looks neat.
Mummy Pig: (*Politely*) I can't say I enjoyed that.
Strider: Anyway, let's venture out of the cave and onto the next!
And for number five...
Peppa Pig is doing an episode about superheroes!?
How could they make this boring?
Well, today, Mr. Potato comes to Peppa's class to talk about healthy eating.
And shows us a superhero.
Super Potato!
Mr. Potato: Super Potato!
(*Children cheering*)
Maybe he stops criminals! Or protects the universe from genocidal maniacs!
No!
Even more amazing than that!
He.. Grabs a hat that few off a carrot's head,
Carrot: Ah! My hat is blown off! Help me Super Potato!
Strider: Whoooaaahaohohoooo!
Of course the children are incredibly impressed by this great feat of wonder.
It's lucky Super Potato was there!
Otherwise the lady might've had to bend over and pick the hat up herself.
Perish the thought!
But lucky for us, we and the kids are about to meet Super Potato in person!
(*Children cheer*)
I mean in Spud... Potato... Whatever he is!
Super Potato: By the power of vegetables, I am here!
(*Children cheer*)
Strider: Seriously, how stupid do they think these kids are?
You think they don't recognize you're just Mr. Potato in underpants?
I want the *real* Mr. Potato!
But despite me getting to watch a talking potato dancing around in underpants, they still somehow make it boring!
Super Potato: Remember kids, always eat your five a day!
Strider I'm very much on the side of encouraging kids to eat their five...
Edmond: Doctors nor recommend you eat 7 a day.
Strider: Sorry, 7 vegetables a day...
But couldn't they have made it a little more interesting?
Suzy: Have you ever eaten a potato?
Strider imitating Super Potato: Why yes, Suzy! I have!
In fact, I like a healthy 2 servings of lamb with my potatoes and vegetables!
They don't call me an abomination of nature for nothing, y'know!
After staying for one minute, Super Potato leaves the building.
Madame Gazelle: Super Potato has left the building.
Strider: You know, I feel like you'd make a great receptionist.
But Mr. Potato gets stuck in his car.
How is he ever going to get out?
(*Children cheer*)
Narrator: Super Potato has come to the rescue.
Strider: Okay, I honestly didn't expect that.
Well played writers.
Super Potato, the abomination of nature, to the rescue.
And don't forget...
Super Potato: Fruit and vegetables keep us alive!~
Always remember to eat your 5!~♪
Edmond: Seven!
Super Potato: Always remember to eat your.. Seven~
And the fourth Earthshatteringly Appalling Peppa Pig episode is...
The title is quite misleading though...
It would be more apt to name this episode...
Because any adult who walks into this ballpark will be eternally stuck!
Sentenced to die of thirst due to the universal weight problem shared by the entire town!
Dr. Elephant: It's soft play, isn't it?
No thanks!
Mummy Rabbit: You're very welcome to stay, if you want.
Mummy Zebra: See ya later!
Strider: You see, our buddy George has been invited to soft play.
A dangerous place where children watch their parents waste away!
Laughing with glee!
Fortunately, all the parents in the town already know how devious and ferocious this Soft Play is.
And declined to even enter the ferocious fortress of doom!
But it's no use...
Eventually, the children lure their parents into the fortress...
Refusing to leave until they enter!
Miss Rabbit is the first casualty...
Quickly absorbed into the fortress floor!
While Mummy Pig is swallowed whole!
Mummy Rabbit: Ah! I'm stuck!
Help!
Mummy Pig: Oh no, I'm stuck too.
Help!
Strider: Even Daddy Pig is quickly absorbed by the fortress.
And yet here, he knew the truth this whole time!
Star Wars character: It's a trap!
Daddy Pig: I'm going to go in there and get stuck.
Strider: Seriously, it's like Daddy Pig read the.. 20 word script ahead of time!
So he knows exactly what's going to happen before it does.
They try to call the rescue service...
But it turns out the rescue service in this town is made up of...
ONE! What kind of bacon flavored doofus runs this town!?
Daddy Pig: So there's no one to rescue us.
Strider: I'm afraid so, Daddy Pig. You see, in this very special episode of Peppa Pig...
The entire adult population perished.
Each one continuing to march into the fortress like lemmings.
Too stupid to see the painfully obvious pattern of what was happening.
Nah, I'm just Joshing ya.
Peppa and Suzy save the day.
Dr. Elephant: That tickles!
Narrator: Everyone loves the Soft Play Center.
Strider: WHAT!? You just spent the entire episode showing us why the entire adult population *hates* the Soft Play Pit!
Why would you say that? Do you ever hear what you're saying at this point!?
That's just so stupi-MMPH!
(*Exhales*)
We're moving on!
And for the third Earth-shatteringly appalling Peppa Pig episode...
Here, we finally learn the horrifying truth of Daddy Pig...
He is secretly.. A criminal mastermind of the highest order!
You see, Daddy Pig likes to buy concrete.
A lot.
And now, Daddy Pig needs yet more concrete.
For some reason.
Daddy Pig: I'm buying a bag of concrete.
Narrator: Daddy Pig likes concrete.
Strider: What's the deal with his concrete obsession anyway?
Does he have a secret job as an assassin for the pig mafia?
Or maybe he's Chinese!
No one? I mean have you ever seen Shanghai!? It's got over 20,000 11 story--
Never mind.
Anyway, Daddy Pig leaves his car parked next to the "No badly drawn turtles" sign.
Fortunately, Daddy Pig doesn't have any badly drawn turtles in the history of the known universe.
So he ventures into the concrete shop!
But we apparently later learn it's meant to be a no parking sign.
Who knew?
How does that even remotely look like a car!?
Egh.. Anyway...
So Miss Rabbit teach Peppa and George how to make a *painfully* generous donation to the city council.
Miss Rabbit: I look for cars parked where they shouldn't be.
When I find one, I give it a parking ticket.
Like this!
Strider: I just love how overjoyed she is to be doing the most thankless, hated job in the history of mankind.
Hats off to you, Miss Rabbit!
I think you and Judy Hopps are the only two creatures in history to approach parking duty with a smile.
Soon, evidence begins to pile up on Daddy Pig for his heinous crime!
A photograph is delivered to him for his unforgivable, devious deed!
And the police surround the house! Demanding Daddy Pig come out with his hands up!
PC Panda: You aren't planning on leaving the country, are you?
Daddy Pig: No...
Strider: Alright ya criminal mastermind! Yer coming with us!
Daddy Pig was sentenced to 18 months in the great grey jail.
Here, he learned the dark side of the law...
And 18 months later he even got *another* parking ticket!
Nah, I'm just Joshing ya.
He had a lesson in parking.
What a.. rehabilitation-based criminal justice system they have.
I'm actually impressed.
Rather than crippling their finances and making things worse, they teach them finances.
Anyway, all this episode did was remind me how much I hate parking tickets, and remind me why I don't city park.
And for number two...
So at this point we're so used to Peppa Pig yammering on endlessly about the most inane drivel ever conceived by intelligent species in the known universe...
That the writers decided we needed an entire episode dedicated to her *not* talking!
Except, well, she does. Somehow more than usual.
So we start the episode with our incredibly insightful and wise narrator stating the obvious to us for a solid minute.
Such as, "It's a bright and sunny day!"
Narrator: (*Sounds more bored than normal*) It is a lovely sunny day.
And did you know Suzy and Peppa are friends!?
Narrator: (*Still bored*) Peppa and Suzy are best friends.
Strider: Oh! So that's why they're hugging!
So in today's episode...
Peppa begins by interrupting people & yammering about the most vapid, boring twaddle she can come up with about her day.
Peppa: I can *easily* stop talking if I want to!
Suzy: No you can't.
Peppa: Yes I can!
Suzy: You can't!
Peppa: I CAN!
Strider: Oh my! What highly stimulating intellectual conversation the children are getting here!
I feel like nails down a chalkboard is too kind a term.
Peppa: That's it!
I'm never going to talk again!
Strider: Yes folks, you heard it correctly! Peppa has stated she is never going to utter a single word word ever again?
Never again will our citizens be subject to Peppa's wailing cat howl of a voice!
How long shall this time of peace and joy last in our lands?
Peppa: (*Grunts*) This is a silly game.
Strider: Unfortunately, our time of peace and tranquility was only 16 seconds.
Peppa: Suzy said I was a chatterbox and I could never be quiet.
Strider: It's not even an insult, Peppa!
It's like being told you speak a lot is a great offense to your character?
So this mindless blathering goes on for an additional few minutes.
As Peppa tries her best NOT to talk...
Somehow resulting in her talking even more obnoxiously.
Suzy: You can't nod your head, that's cheating.
And you can't blink!
Strider: Okay, I'm actually with Peppa on this one.
This is the stupidest game I've ever heard of.
How does not talking have anything to do with your frequency of blinking?
That's a bad habit to teach kids anyway!
When Malcolm McDowell couldn't blink for several minutes in A Clockwork Orange, he almost damaged his corneas.
I can't believe I need to say this but blinking should be encouraged in children.
Danny: What's the matter with Peppa?
Strider: I don't know, we've been trying to figure that out for several years now!
Peppa: (*Mocking*) Oh! Look at me! I'm Suzy Sheep!
Strider: What is wrong with these kids?
Eventually they abandon coherent dialogue all together and meander along with random phrases and words of gibberish.
Peppa: Mickee mackey boo-ba-boo!
Strider: Mickee makcey boo-ba-boo?
The episode just goes on like this!
Pedro: Let's all do it!
Peppa: We can show my mummy!
Ah yes, making a game out of doing absolutely nothing and not saying a word.
Truly the height of YouTube entertainment quality.
Boy, am I glad these videos still get millions of views from children!
This is among the most unstructured, incohesive episodes of Peppa Pig I've ever seen.
And I've watched over 100 episodes of these horrible wastes of 5 minutes.
And before we get to number one, let's go though our quick...
In this episode, the market has come to town!
Narrator: The market has come to tow--
Strider: STOP THAT!
Anyway, after Peppa does her best Godfather impression
Peppa: Lovely.
Strider They come across Mrs. Cow.
Who-who is selling cheese.
Mrs. Cow: I've got a very smelly cheese here.
Strider: Now, am I the only one assuming she's.. "harvesting" her own "stock"?
I've got no objections to that, you go girl! But what do you call that situation where you're buying the milk straight from the cow herself?
Highly efficient? [Subber says giving the worker their fair share in profits]
Anyway...
This episode created a lot of controversy because there were no helmets when it aired.
Parents were so outraged the entire animation was reworked to include helmets.
Copying and pasting helmets onto their 1 and 2 frames of animation!
Anyway.. Onto number one.
And I think the number one, Earthshatteringly Appalling Peppa Pig episode is...
Oh boy...
This episode follows the tradition of Mr. Skinny Legs in teaching children to play with wild, venomous, highly dangerous animals.
Today on Peppa Pig...
Peppa and her grandparents go to the beach...
Where Grandpa Pig show Peppa and George it's okay to blindly stick your hand into random rock pools.
And of course, Grandpa Pig gets pinched by a crab.
Grandpa Pig: It's a.. (*Audible crunch*) CRAB!
(*Shouts in pain*)
Strider: Well then why'd you stick your hand in there, ya twit?
Well you see...
According to grandpa...
Grandpa Pig: And in every rock pool, there's something special.
Strider: You heard him kids! According to Grandpa Pig, be sure to stick your hand into every random rock pool you see!
Something good might happen!
And obviously I'm being sarcastic. Kids or adults shouldn't do that.
Grandpa Pig: What surprise is waiting in this pool?
Strider: I dunno! A murderous octopus that paralyzes with its sting?
Maybe a Lion Fish with venomous spines all over its fins!
Apparently you're just telling the kids to stick their hands right in to find out!
So for the next quarter of the episode, Peppa and George just pretend to be crabs.
Krabs: Hello! I like money!
Strider: No, no. Not Mr. Krabs. Just normal Crab that one's too interesting.
Peppa: We're naughty crabs!
Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
Strider: And well, it just keeps going like that for a while.
Until finally, Peppa discovers a rock pool with a shell in it!
However, that shell belongs to a *Cone* Snail.
According to National Geographic...
A carnivorous and extremely venomous snail that can kill a human with its poison harpoon.
And currently, we have no anti-venom.
Now, maybe it's just me...
But shouldn't we be teaching kids *NOT* to pick up the lethal sea creatures!?
I mean, I might be spitballing here but this is like teaching the kids that spiders won't hurt you.
When some of them most certainly can.
Just wait until her next episode, where Peppa plays with a deadly box jellyfish.
Known to paralyze and kill its prey in minutes!
Honestly Peppa!
Are you trying to increase our planet's yearly rates of emergency room visits?
Considering this is the *third* time the show has encouraged kids to play with deadly animals...
I'd say we can call this an Earthshatteringly Appalling Peppa Pig episode.
Peppa: I love rock pools.
Strider: Honestly, quick confession from me, I love doing these Peppa lists.
So if you've got any other Peppa-sodes you what me to to look at, feel free to leave your own thoughts in the comments below.
And as always...
And I'll see you next time!
[Subtitled by (someone who enjoys subtitling these goofy videos) Mighty Mongrel. Commissioned by Phantom Strider.]
[Fun fact: There are over 300 episodes of Peppa Pig. Without Specials, that's over 1800 minutes, or 30 hours, of this series in one marathons it.]