Hi, all you smiling faces and doggies
on your laps and everything.
Thank you so much for being here,
and welcome to our 3,000th show.
[APPLAUSE]
This is the 3,000th monologue, you're the 3,000th audience
and before I walked out here I caught my 73rd mint,
because I miss sometimes.
From the beginning I told my audience
I wanted this show to be like a family
and now, 3,000 episodes later, we are really like a family.
Everyone is sitting alone in their own room,
staring at their phone or their computer.
We have become a family.
I started this show back in 2003.
I had just divorced my second husband,
I was living in a Winnebago, as a single mom
trying to raise the twins.
And when it-- there's going to be people googling that now,
going, she was--
when it began, I had no idea how long it would last.
If you would have told me that I would eventually
do 3,000 shows, I would have said,
but that's like 150 years.
Because I don't know how many episodes I
do in a season and I'm not good at math.
Here we are 3,000 episodes and 2,000 hairstyles later,
still going strong.
Couldn't believe this is happening.
And I can't tell you, this could not
happen without my amazing staff.
I want to thank my amazing staff spread around in the world
right now.
I get to be the star of the show but they
make this show possible by doing things I had no idea how to do.
I could not direct like Liz, I could not do set designs like--
set lights like Dickie, I couldn't do sound effects
like Dirk, and even though some of you are working from home,
you're all right here.
Right here, on the list of staff names I keep tucked in my bra
so I don't forget.
I still love coming out here every day.
I'm so grateful for all the amazing experiences
I've had hosting 3,000 shows.
I've been able to help people in need.
I've been able to meet talented kids.
I've been able to talk to interesting people.
Every now and then I talk to a boring person.
You've seen them.
I can't believe all the famous people
I've gotten to interview--
Oprah, Brad Pitt, Michelle Obama's husband.
You know, you learn a lot when you've hosted 3,000 shows.
For instance, I've learned that you
need to know when to end a monologue.
You can't let it go on too long.
You can't just ramble and add things,
talking on and on because I've got a show to do.
Don't get me wrong, the audience loves a monologue,
but you have to know when enough is enough,
because the audience is excited to see
what's going to happen next.
They're excited that Adam Levine is going to be here.
[APPLAUSE]
They don't want me to stand here and continue
to talk and talk and talk.
You want the end of the monologue to end strong and not
let it fizzle out.
You don't want to feel like it's dragging on,
not going anywhere.
Anyway, I'm glad you're joining me for this milestone.
And now it's time for our 3,000th dance.
Give it up for tWitch.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh.