it was September of my senior year of
high school but instead of sitting in a
classroom with my friends taking notes
on Shakespeare I was back in the
hospital this time preparing my own
funeral arrangements undergoing a
stem-cell transplant the last-ditch
effort to keep me alive after the best
summer of my life
my doctors informed me that my leukemia
would likely be returning for a third
time in my teenage years this go-around
of treatment I couldn't walk couldn't
talk couldn't even eat or drink for
weeks on end days of intensive radiation
chemo had completely ravaged my body and
I was in a never-ending haze of pain and
pain meds the cancer wore in the
Children's Hospital is a pretty bleak
place especially when you're old enough
to understand the reality of your
situation knowing friends your age who
don't make it the survival statistics
and being asked as a 17 year old to
write out your last will and testament
it's a bit challenging to have any sense
of normalcy when you're worried about
the invite list your funeral your AP
classes and waking up the next morning
what started as helpless quickly became
hopeless at night I'd stay on the phone
with my dad for hours talking about
sports anything reluctant to hang up the
phone as I was worried it'd be the last
time I ever talked to him if I were
listening in music at night I'd make
sure the last song I heard was special I
didn't want to die knowing the last song
I listened to was despedido
my last ritual each night would be to
look at a photo of my dog Callie bear
and then to close my eyes as tight as
possible so I wouldn't see anything else
before I went to sleep
at least I see my dog one last time up
until this point I had always kept my
cancer feelings bottled up I tell anyone
I was fine fine because I didn't want to
talk about it but in the midst of this
cycle I woke up and start crying I
wanted the suffering
to end I wanted the cancer to kill me
that's what I told my parents doctors
and nurses I was overwhelmed and worn
down by the physical and emotional pain
my miserable state of mental and
physical health did not appear to be
stopping so my mindset was to die just
get it over with I was only one month
removed from an amazing summer working
at camp but in that months time my mind
and body had deteriorated so fast from
the toxins too fast for my seventeen
year old brain to process it this was
the most genuine I'd ever been to myself
and others admitting my desire to be
defeated holding up the white flag
surrendering to the Beast and I had no
hunger to live whatsoever but I stopped
getting healthy
I started getting healthy and voila look
at this I tried to start college here at
Villanova it's awesome and before I knew
it I was involved in tons of clubs I
even became a tour guide came a manager
for the Villanova men's basketball team
and made some great friends along the
way too
but at the end of this past summer I
didn't want to return to Villanova for
my sophomore year of college yeah I was
finally living life to its fullest and I
was finally normal again but now now it
was time to get sick again see that's
how I've been conditioned since I was in
sixth grade I get cancer and then I get
healthy and then I get cancer again and
then I get healthy again and then I get
a stem-cell transplant and then I get
healthy again so now it's just time to
get sick again the statistics on me
relapsing again are quite high I've had
tons of chemo full-body radiation a stem
cell transplant non-fda-approved
immunotherapy and it's happened before
my cancer came back in 11th grade if
that pattern were to hold that would be
my junior year of college but see the
definition of remission Oh cancer
detected at this time it's a deck
raishin of the moment that's a
potentially temporary State there could
be cancer in my body right now there
could be cancer in your body right now
it's just not detectable but the idea of
relapsing getting something out familiar
with because having cancer is what I'm
used to the order of it the smells the
pains the methotrexate the
cyclophosphamide the vin Christine I'm
more accustomed to having cancer than
going to class but since I'm still
healthy I've decided to keep trying to
live that normal life everyone so badly
wanting me to experience all those years
each time I left the hospital I did not
want to take on the world I just wanted
to be a part of it I just wanted to be
normal but cancer taught me that nights
watching sports with my dad were not a
given neither were the hugs from my mom
or even the selfies with my sister but
being healthy for two years now has
allowed me to reach me to feel alive and
what it means to be alive yet all I've
noticed is that everyone is so focused
and worried about the future for the
past eight years I've been forced to
live in the moment because cancer had
always halted my future so I never
dreamed of what was next and I'm
thankful for that throughout all of my
treatment my mom and I we had a mantra
there is no tomorrow until you get
through today so that's just been my
approach to life I've lived in the
moment grabbing what I can until I can
but living in the moment isn't about
shying away from the future it's about
building it little by little piece by
piece positive impact by positive impact
small or large life isn't about cramming
as much as possible into every single
day just to be busy or to distract us we
should just be humble to even be alive
and hungry to keep fighting for life
fighting for our humanity and maybe just
fighting to be normal sure I think we
should live every day to its fullest
potential
we should lift up others and we should
be the best person we can be but
ultimately life is so fast and so
unforgiving so hold on to what's normal
because it's probably amazing but it
does not last forever thank you
[Applause]