Transcriber: Ivan Stamenković Reviewer: Denise RQ
I found the secret to life
and it started with a stress-induced bald spot.
At the age of 31 I found myself in a rut, personally and professionally.
The final straw was waking up one morning, to discover
a bald spot the size of a quarter that appeared overnight.
I had to do something and my birthday was coming up,
so I decided to give myself the ultimate birthday gift: a fresh start.
I put my resignation letter into cupcakes and pass them out at the office.
(Laughter)
I left the guy I thought I was going to marry, my city and my friends,
I moved to Chicago from New York, heartbroken and ready to start over.
I landed a dream job, I found a great apartment.
Life was really starting to turn around.
But about a month into this new life, I realized something was missing.
I didn't have any friends.
So I decided to make a new friend every single day, for a year.
I waited till as long as possible to tell people about the project,
because I wanted the encounters to be authentic.
I had three simple rules:
it had to be a significant social exchange,
I had to feel a connection,
and I couldn't go home until I made a friend.
It took anywhere from 30 minutes to 12 hours to make a friend
and this was all while I had a full time job.
I hadn't set out to make anything,
I wasn't trying to get famous through a gimmick.
I truly needed friends.
But once someone agreed to be my friend for the day,
I documented the experience.
I photographed them, and that night I would go home
and write a two-hundred word narrative about the encounter.
I asked all of them one consistent question, which is,
"Why are you here?"
Every morning I woke up to this huge weight on my shoulder,
wondering how I was going to meet someone that day.
And when I walked out my door I was open to connecting.
Believe it or not, about 80% of the time
I was not the person who initiated conversation.
I let the project dictate my life
and ironically, it was so freeing not to have control.
I had permission to follow adventure.
Like staying out really late on a work night,
or inviting a convicted murderer, just days out of jail,
to join me and tell me his story.
Or getting a ride from a stranger to an underground dinner party,
where I knew no one.
I met artists, business men, musicians, an actor en-route to Los Angeles,
Mike Mills from R.E.M, a suicidal student,
a drunk paramedic, a drag queen who loves Thanksgiving,
a roller Derby girl named Vaggie Sandwich,
(Laughter)
a publisher of porn, a homeless man,
the list goes on.
I'm an outgoing person
but having to connect with a new person, every single day for a year,
was the hardest thing I've ever done.
It was daunting to think about the scope of the project.
So I just focused on what I had to do that day,
meet one person.
And because I knew people were going to say,
"Who'd you meet yesterday?" I had to keep going.
And I couldn't fake it either.
Because everyday required another person to help me complete my mission.
This project rode the line between emotional need and art.
I was meeting all of these people, but really I was getting to know myself.
And through this project, I learned how important authentic connection is,
and how badly we all crave it.
I would get calls from people in the project
who'd met another one of my friends,
and it would go something like this,
"Hey Maria! It's your May 23rd,"
-- they identified with the date I met them--,
"Oh, hey May 23rd. How are you doing?"
"Good, good. I was at a bridal shower and I met your January 6th."
(Laughter)
They felt a part of something, and little did I know
that would be a key revelation in future projects.
Now the first 15 seconds are definitely the hardest moments
when it comes to meeting a new person.
Affinity groups are great because you know
you have at least one thing in common with the people there.
Props are also really good at providing an entry point for conversation.
I once brought a goldfish out with me.
I sat it on the bar and I ordered a scotch,
and that goldfish was the best wingman.
(Laughter)
Everyone there... people could not help themselves,
they had to come up and talk to me.
I know one guy that likes to bring pinatas on airplanes,
because it causes conversations.
I think we're just all looking for an excuse to connect.
Or perhaps it's permission.
But connection takes being open, and being open is scary,
because you have to go out of your comfort zone
and you have to trust strangers.
It's work that might not pay off.
But being open has led to some of the most profound moments in my life.
I was heading down to Austin, I was on a flight,
and I sat next to a middle aged woman,
and she was reading a book, "How to start a museum."
Intrigued, I asked her about the book,
and we ended up talking most of the flight.
Peggy became my November 8th.
A few weeks later I got an e-mail from Peggy,
and she told me about her return flight.
She was sitting next to a woman, they did not talk the whole time,
and then she was waiting for her bags
and she found herself standing next to the same woman.
Peggy, remembering our encounter, went up to the woman,
and told her about the project.
She then told the woman about the one question I asked her,
which is, "Why are you here?"
The woman, without hesitating, blurted out,
"I'm here for my sister. She has breast cancer."
Well, Peggy's sister is a survivor of breast cancer.
When they made this connection, they hugged.
This was the first time that I realized the ripple effect of the project.
That I was affecting people I did not even know.
I was at a Starbucks, and a guy named Brett,
my January 20th, started talking to me.
He was desperate for a friend.
He had just gotten back from Iraq, he was honorably discharged,
the military was his life.
He was suffering from stress, guilt and an identity crisis.
At one point, he went into the Starbucks bathroom
to drink a fifth of vodka,
so he can muster the courage to tell me,
how he accidentally killed a civilian family in Falusia.
I spent a couple of hours just listening to Brett,
as he told one horrific story after another.
And with each story, I could tell
that he was getting lighter and I was getting heavier
with this emotional baggage he'd been carrying around.
I never saw Brett again,
but I know I gave him the best gift I could have given him at that moment,
someone to listen.
And listening is active and it's at the core of friendship.
Because I knew I had to go home every night
and write a story about each encounter,
I paid really close attention to what was said.
I wish I could say I still listen as intently,
but I find ever present technology and the chaos of life
makes it hard to listen to each other.
I introduced my August 9th to my October 20th
and they got married and they now live in Paris.
(Laughter)
So you don't have to know someone well to have a profound impact on them.
We all have the power to change the course of each others' lives.
At the end of the year I brought everyone together,
for a gallery show of the stories and so they can meet each other.
And when the project ended, I found myself fundamentally transformed.
Somewhere along the way I lost my fear.
I developed a stronger sense of self,
and a curiosity for people and adventure that I did not have before.
So, why is connecting so important?
A Harvard grant study followed a group of people for 75 years
in order to unearth the secrets to a happy and purposeful life.
And the study found strong relationships to be far and away
the biggest predictor of life satisfaction.
In fact, the study's most important finding
is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships.
And as time goes on, relationships or connections become more important.
The study found strong support for growing body of research
that has linked social ties with longevity,
lower stress levels and improved over all well being.
When we connect with each other, that is when we are the most alive.
The "Friend a day" project
caused me to do things I've never would have done otherwise.
I was out of my comfort zone everyday,
and that's when I really got to know who I was.
To know others is to know yourself.
Think about it.
If you were on a deserted island with one other person,
you'd only know yourself in relation to that one person.
But now imagine you're on an island with four hundred people.
You now have four hundred data points.
But we, my friends, are on a planet of seven billion people.
That is seven billion different ways to get to know ourselves.
In a world that is becoming more virtual everyday,
it's more important than ever to experience authentic connections.
So I challenge all of you to look for opportunities,
and embrace the risk of bringing new people into your life.
You will not only know yourself better, but you'll feel more fulfilled.
You may even live longer.
Thank you.
(Applause)