Idealism and Reality
In terms of intimacy,
husbands and wives are to learn to be
realistic in their expectations.
Here's Gene:
In this passage, the expectations
of course, relate to sexual intimacy.
Looking forward to this relationship.
And most scholars agree that what is
described here is the first sexual experience
of this man and this woman.
And when you understand that,
it helps you to interpret some of
the things that are said.
And so first of all, we have the
wife's invitation to her husband,
to her new husband:
Awaken, north wind--come, south wind.
Blow on my garden, [and] spread the
fragrance of its spices.
Let my love come to his garden
and eat it's choicest fruits.
And by the way, we just simply need to
acknowledge very openly,
very specifically, that the word garden
is used for female genitalia.
That's true in the Hebrew language.
It's true in the culture of that day.
And most scholars agree.
And so this is an invitation
to sexual intimacy.
And the husband's response is:
I have come to my garden...
And by the way, now they
belong to each other.
...my sister, my bride.
I gather my myrrh with my spices.
I eat my honeycomb with my honey.
I drink my wine with my milk. ...
And then the narrator says:
...Eat, friends!
Drink, be intoxicated with love!
So here we have a very specific
illustration of their coming together
with high expectations--particularly on
the part of the wife who initiates the invitation.
But then you have disappointment.
And the disappointment again,
here in sequence, is the wife.
And she says:
I opened to my love, but my love
had turned and gone away.
I was crushed that he had left.
I sought him, but did not find him.
I called him, but he did not answer.
Now basically, what she is saying
is the experience is over and he's gone.
He's about his business
and she's disappointed.
I think we could fill a blank and say
he was satisfied, she was not.
His lack of sensitivity
there entering into this experience.
And many times, if you understand,
if you do any counseling. You realize
that frequently this experience
is a disappointing experience
the first time around
because of high expectations.
Idealized expectations that we realize,
we're human and nothing is perfect in this life.
And these high expectations
are not in harmony with reality
on the part of both.
And so consequently, there's anticipation.
The higher the anticipation
that is unrealistic, the higher the
disappointment emotionally.
Until we come to grips with:
Hey, this is reality. This is life.
A great gift but we've got to learn to
use that gift and put it in the
total context of our life together.
And so you see the disappointment.
Now there's another side to this.
If the husband senses disappointment,
he's going to feel--he's going to
experience a feeling of failure.
Because he's thinking in terms of
his self, his involvement.
And if he's not performing to the way in which
she would be happy, he's going to feel
there's something wrong with him.
There's going to be ambivalence.
So that feeds in to this relationship,
often times early on in a marriage
where there are not realistic expectations.
And of course, good marital counseling today
prepares people for that.
To come in harmony with really what
is reality and what can happen
within this relationship.
Now I think there's a great lesson
that comes out of this--
it's broader than intimacy.
And the lesson is basically that what
we're reading here teaches us
as married couples, that it takes time
to mature and to grow as a couple.
Not just in our sexual relationship
but in relationship to all aspects of our
sociology, our social relationship.
It just takes time.
And what was an experience that is
filled with expectation,
can all of a sudden become disillusioning.
And especially if the expectations
are based on sexuality, can lead
very quickly to an opposite feeling--
rather than attraction--is resentment.
And we see that.
Now that's why the New Testament
gives us this wonderful new perspective.
And we've looked at this before.
But when you look at love in the
New Testament, I like to illustrate it
with this outer circle: "agapao" love.
I call this a circle of biblical Love.
And this is proper action.
This is the kind of love that is willing to die
for the person you love.
This is the kind of love Christ had for us.
If we're going to love each other
as Christ loved us, what is the ultimate
in that kind of love?
It's proper action.
A willingness to lay down our lives, literally.
Now we need to get realistic.
And generally, God's not asked us
to give our life literally.
But He's asking us to lay down our lives
for the other person
in a way that contributes
and ministers to that person.
And of course, that works both ways.
That's reciprocal.
We're all to love as Christ loved.
Whether we're married,
or whether we're just friends,
or whether we're brothers and sisters in Christ.
But then there's the other
dimension that is mentioned.
And it's not something different than,
but it's part of--and that's friendship.
That's what is called "phileo" love
or warm feelings that God designed
for us to have.
God didn't just want us to act
because it's the right thing to do
in our relationships, but to enjoy
that relationship.
Now there are many things of course in life
that we do in spite of how we feel.
Just in doing the normal things that it
takes to be a good husband,
to be a good father, to be a good wife,
to be a good mother.
There are tough things where
we do things though we'd rather not.
Like changing a dirty diaper
to give you an illustration.
But you love and you do it.
But generally speaking, God also
used this word for enjoyment.
To enjoy, in this case, particularly as
we're looking at it, intimacy.
But then there is that circle of love
which is intimacy, "erao" feelings.
These are sexual feelings, which is
an extension of "phileo" love.
But it's an extension for just a husband
and a wife in God's scheme of things.
In other words, you can have
very warm family feelings
but that doesn't justify incest.
There's a line you do not cross.
But for a husband and wife,
"agape" love, "phileo" love, leads to "erao,"
which is God's design for intimacy.
Now one of the problems, you see, in our society--
and here's where we have
a great advantage over unbelievers.
Unbelievers--and you can illustrate this again
and again with Hollywood movies.
That love is defined as "erao," not as "agapao."
And that's why we see so many
situations where the person says:
I don't love you anymore.
And what they're saying is,
I'm not attracted to you anymore.
I don't feel good about you anymore.
Now it's rather interesting that we see
some of these types will divorce
and say: We're still friends
but we don't love each other.
Well they've mis-defined love
in the beginning by starting in the
center of the circle without any
biblical definitions of what this really is.
Because there comes a time in our
relationships with one another, it's tough.
There's struggles.
It's not just one long elongated
honeymoon where we have freedom.
But we get back to the realities of life,
and children, and all of those things that happen.
And at that point in time, if we really
understand the biblical perspective,
we may say: Yeah, I don't have some
very positive feelings right now.
I just need time to get over it.
Because right now it's kind of tough going.
I'm strained and I'm struggling.
There's pressure.
There's all of these things.
But we realize that it's a phase.
It's something that is reality.
We work through that and we
deepen in our experiences together.
And so we have a great advantage here.
But here's the question
for Reflection and Response:
Why is it important to be realistic
about God's gift of sexuality
and yet never allow the impact of sin
in this world to destroy
what God intends to be a
continuing experience that is
satisfying for both husbands and wives?
It's very important that we understand that.
Because it's reality.
But we know that when we
work at this experience,
we realize it's a process. It's a process.
In terms of sexuality,
the book of Hebrews gives us a biblical goal:
Marriage must be respected by all,
and the marriage bed kept undefiled,
because God will judge immoral people
and adulterers.
And of course, the world system--
more and more in our culture even today--
does not take this seriously at all.
Because they don't have God's standard.
But we do.
But within that standard, and with
the whole understanding that we have
from the New Testament, and what
God has done for us, we learn to love.
And we learned to do what is right.
We learned to enjoy the experience
with each other. Generally speaking
and specifically speaking.
And it applies to our lives.
And every couple faces challenges,
just in life, that does indeed affect the intimacy.
A factor you cannot separate
that out from stress.
For example, I remember when
we first came to Dallas, Texas.
Elaine and I had been married for 12 years.
And I became a faculty member at the seminary.
And I had just spent 9 years
completing my doctorate.
Every summer I was involved.
With a lot of time spent in doing that.
I was busy.
You know, trying to put bread on the table
as well. Trying to perform well
as far as my job is concerned.
And we got to Dallas,
boy, I was faced with a whole group
of new challenges, which just continued
to take my time.
And I remember we came to a point
where Elaine said, whoa.
She had a favorite statement
that she gave back to me,
which was really my statement over the years.
When--then.
And the "when" was "then,"
but the "then" never came.
When--then.
And we had a very serious conversation.
And I began to realize all of
the pressure that had been
on her with the three children, to help me
get through this doctoral program.
To get through all of this.
And I'm just going on as if this is normal.
And she was saying: That's not normal
in our relationship.
And it got my attention.
And we began to communicate
at a whole new level.
And that's when both of us began
to understand more how to
communicate our feelings
without threatening the other individual.
Some very simple things
like rather than saying:
You make me feel this way.,
You say: You know, I feel this way.
You can't deny a person's feelings.
But when you say you make me feel this way,
you put the person on the defensive.
And we need to learn to listen to each other.
In fact as a result of studying
a secular book, really on communication,
we actually wrote a Christian book
called Partners for Life. Which was
a very significant experience for us.
So it's a growth process.
And that growth process affects
every aspect of our life.
Including, obviously, the intimate aspects.
Because if we have resentment,
if we have these challenges in our life
that make it difficult.
And we're unhappy, we're struggling.
It's going to affect our ability to respond
in the way God wants us to respond.
So here's the Principle:
In terms of intimacy,
husbands and wives are to learn
to be realistic in their expectations.