-You can feel it in the air. The days are getting shorter.
The kids are going back to school.
Fall is almost here.
It's time to shake off the lazy days of summer
and focus up for the fall semester,
and that includes my writers.
They write hundreds of jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue.
And honestly, a lot of those jokes just aren't good.
And sometimes I think they throw in a few stinkers
just to fill the page, maybe meet the assignment.
But summer is over now, and we cannot tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another
"Surprise Inspection."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
So, here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
really submitted by my writers that are unusable for the show.
Some are dumb, some are offensive,
some are confusing.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this.
And because a lot of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get started.
According to a new book, former President Trump
once tried to exchange an attorneys
$2 million in legal fees with the deed to a horse,
which he says was "something more valuable."
For his part, Trump swore it would be a win whinny.
[ Light laughter ]
It's not even a dad joke.
It's like a deadbeat dad joke.
Like a dad who doesn't even want to put in the effort.
Ian wrote that joke.
That's what Ian looks like, so...
[ Laughter ]
Win whinny.
[ Laughter ]
A pair of dentures that belonged to baseball legend
Ty Cobb are up for auction,
which is exciting because the dentures
were originally thought to be flossed.
So what I writer there, believe it or not, Ian...
[ Laughter ]
...did their was used flossed for lost.
That was in case you were confused,
which I was when I read it,
because I don't think anybody thinks of lost
and flossed as -- as words that are interchangeable.
That would like be me saying that Ian is a huge floser.
[ Laughter ]
The Senate yesterday ratified Finland and Sweden's application
to join NATO in a 95-1 vote
because we can't "afjord" not to have them on our side.
So this is interesting.
Before you clap and I have to ask you to leave,
so I actually thought when I read that joke,
"oh, that's clever."
But I thought fjords were sort of unique
amongst the Scandinavian countries to Norway.
But I thought, well, I'll just Google real quick
and make sure that they're also in Finland, Sweden,
and they're not.
[ Laughter ]
But you can't let geography get in the way
of an A-plus joke.
[ Laughter ]
Singer -- Oh, that was Matt, by the way, wrote that joke.
And he's actually standing right over there as well, so...
[ Cheers and applause ]
We turned lights on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you clap when you see somebody steal a lady's purse?
[ Laughter ]
Take the lights down on the audience.
[ Laughter ]
Singer Taylor Swift recently announced
that she will release a new album next month.
[ Cheering ] Guys, just wait a second.
[ Laughter ]
Also, that reflects badly on Taylor Swift
since you just applauded for Matt.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody thinks you guys now have, like,
high standards for who you like.
Singer Taylor Swift recently announced
that she will release a new album
next month called "Midnights,"
which is "The stories of 13 sleepless nights
scattered throughout my life.
So whatever you do, skip the song titled Chipotle."
[ Laughter ]
Uh, yeah.
Well, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Scientists at NASA recently reported
that algae in a Washington state canal
is visible from space.
Also, yo mama.
[ Light laughter ]
At least it's written in my voice.
That was, if you watch the show, you won't be surprised,
that was written by Max Scollins.
There's Mike right there.
And we use that photo of Scollins
because one time he wore a tank top to work
and everybody here, you know, roasted him for it.
But I'm a little ashamed about this.
I have a confession to make.
The picture that we've been using of him in a tank top
is photoshopped.
So as a peace offering to Scollins,
Let's put up the original photo.
There it is, okay.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Back to the inspection.
A woman in Minnesota recently went skydiving
to celebrate her 91st birthday.
Unfortunately, before she could open her parachute,
her boobs had already landed.
[ Laughter ]
During a press briefing this week,
White House coronavirus response coordinator
Dr. Ashish Jha encouraged people
to get vaccinated against the coronavirus
and the flu at the same time and said,
"This is why God gave us two arms."
Guess you'll just have to choose one
or the other guy who killed Dr. Richard Kimble's wife.
[ Light laughter ]
Hmm, who does it change your mind
that your [bleep] hero wrote it?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's it.
We're never allowing the writers to be in the room again
for "Surprise Inspection."
Oh.
Britain's Queen Elizabeth formally appointed Liz Truss
as prime minister today at her castle in Scotland.
When asked about her plans as prime minister, she replied,
"Trust me."
Now, obviously there are a lot of problems with that joke,
including the fact that we wrote
a Queen Elizabeth joke before she passed away
and that we still chose to tell it
in "Surprise Inspection."
And I think based on how these jokes go, when you heard
Queen Elizabeth, you probably all tensed up
and thought that maybe it would be an inappropriate joke
about our departed monarch, but it wasn't.
It was just a [bleep] joke written before she died.
But if you remember her at all, let it be from that joke.
[ Laughter ]
She'd want that.
Trust me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you think that joke is maybe what...?
-No! -No, no.
[ Laughter ]
Today was actor Kevin Spacey's 63rd birthday.
He blew the candles and then -- Nope, I'm not doing that.
Alright, this is been "Surprise Inspection."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪