Hi! I'm Nicholeen Peck and I'm a parenting expert and an author. And I teach people how
to govern themselves. In this video, we're going to be talking about "What is the rule
of 3 in parenting?" People always want to know how to solve the biggest parenting problems.
And the rule of 3 helps with that. So, let's talk about that in this video. In order to
understand the rule of 3 and how it works, first you have to understand the principles
and the philosophy behind the rule of 3. So, the rule of 3 is based on the concept that
everyone can learn to control themselves, that really the biggest beast that we have
to conquer isn't the other person that's in the room but ourselves. So, I teach Self-Government.
Self-Government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation
and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. That means that
a person understands cause and effect as it relates to their behaviors and their relationships.
A person analyzes their own behaviors and their connection to the other people around
them. And the person chooses to be the best version of themselves. That's what it means
to govern themselves. In order to do that, you have to conquer yourself. It's not about
gaining power over the other person in the room or the person who you think is telling
you something you don't like. It's about gaining power over yourself and being that person
that you know you need to be in the moment when tension is high. In the Teaching Self-Government
parenting model, we talk about the different skills that people need to master themselves.
We teach children 4 basic skills. The most basic of the 4 basic skills is the skill Following
Instructions. So, if a person cannot follow instructions from themselves or will not follow
instructions from themselves or others, then that person is what we call "out of instructional
control". That means they will not follow instructions. They are choosing not to at
that particular time. There's 5 steps to following an instruction that I've taught all my children,
foster children, and all the people that I teach when I teach parenting around the world.
Those 5 steps are to look at the person, keep a calm face, voice, and body; say okay or
ask to disagree appropriately, do the task immediately and then checkback. So, if a person
says okay but doesn't keep a calm face, voice and body, they're technically not following
an instruction. So, if a person will not allow themselves to do all 5 of those things together
combined into that following instruction skill, then they are choosing to be out of instructional
control. Or we could just say they're out of control. They're not directing themselves
and nobody else is able to give them instruction either. Normally, when a child doesn't follow
instructions, a parent would do a normal correction. Just a regular run at the mill effective correction.
Now, there are 7 steps to doing an effective correction. And there are 7 steps to accepting
a consequence. The child knows all of these steps. And the parents know these steps too.
Self-governed person knows the plan before they ever take action so they would know all
the skills that the parents are going to be using and that they need to use in order to
be in control of themselves and to solve any of their problems. Sometimes when we correct
our children, they don't want to accept their consequence. They don't want to be calm or
maybe they feel like they simply can't yet. Well, then they need some help calming down.
Now, we can use calm down places if they're little, there's a certain way that I do that
and prepare to use that trigger spot to get themselves calm. But sometimes when they get
a little bit older especially, they need someone to help talk them through it to help them
shift from the midbrain or back brain if they've gotten really emotional to the front brain.
So, this process of using the rule of 3 is the process of helping a person shift from
middle back brain to the front brain. And it's doing it in a calm way. Because here's
the thing: If you get angy and out of your control at your children while you're trying
to help them calm down, do you think it's going to work? The answer is no. It absolutely
is not going to work. So, we have to keep ourselves calm. That means we've got to know
what to say. We have to have the words planned ahead of time. And if our children knows those
words ahead of time too, then they will have the confidence in our abilty to help them
to get to that calm place. They will also have less anxiety because it's predictable.
So then they can take more deliberate action at controlling themselves instead of feeling
like they needed to be pushing against us. About calmness, calmness is essential for
this rule of 3 to work at changing the heart of the child. Your heart has to be in the
right place. If you feel like you'd like more help with your calmness so that that key ingredient
is really working for you, you're probably going to want to click the link that's below
this video in the description section which is called the Calm Parenting Toolkit. The
calm parenting parenting toolkit is completely free. It's a gift for you because you're watching
this video. I think you'll enjoy it and it's going to help you get better at your calmness
as you work on the skill that we're going to talk about next. So, this is how the rule
of 3 works. The rule of 3 is basically a series of 3 things you do them 3 times in a row.
So, you give a pre-teach which is a preparation for the child so they know what's coming,
what to expect, what negative and positive consequences that they are going to earn if
they don't follow the instruction that they're going to be giving. And it is done in a way
that gives them that merciful time to prapare to get calm and to follow that calming instruction.
Then the second step is to give them an instruction. Now, I usually always use a calming instruction
so that they can use that opportunity to get calm. Because this is the whole point. The
point is that whatever they're angry about, we're not going to talk about that anymore.
Now, we are just going to talk about calmness until we get to a place where everyone is
calm. Because I have a cardinal rule --we do not talk about it until you are calm. In
fact, I'm known for saying, "It's seems to me you want to tell me something. I want to
know what that is. But we need to choose to be calm first then we can talk about it."
In fact, it was that very phrase in the BBC program that was made our family back in 2009
that lead the out of control teens that they brought to our home to choose calmess after
2 days of throwing tantrums. If you want to see that video, you can click on the link
The Wolrd's Strictest Parents which is appearing here in the box. So after you do a good pre-teach
and you've given instruction in a way that's assertive not "Will you please..." That's
not assertive. That's passive. But if you say, "I need you to __" and then follow it
up with the instruction that would be a calming instruction, then you give them the opportunity
to do all 5 steps of following an instruction. If they don't do all 5 steps, if they choose
not to... Because at this point, they are pretty much choosing not to. Then you have
to a do a correction. Now, the steps to a correction are contained in the teaching self-government
parenting course. In fact, detailed understanding of all of these is contained in the teaching
self-parenting couse. And you're going to want to go there because I will do personal
training with you. I even answer your questions every week to make sure you've really got
things working leading the family towards calmness, good communication and a feeling
of being understood in your family. Because all of those should exist if the family is
truly self-governing. So that correction is going to describe what happened, what should've
happened, what they've earned. You're going to do some practice. This is a teaching moment.
In fac t, you should be looking at the child, correcting the child with a spirit of love,
calmness and understanding. In fact, even when I'm correcting my child, I look into
their eyes and I think, "I love you. I love you. It's okay. Be calm." Even though I'm
saying the words to the correction that they know and understand and that we've practiced
so many times. That's one of the key things. This rule of 3 only works if it has been pre-taught
ahead of time so the children need to know what things they can earn, what negative consequences
they can earn. And we have 3 negative consequences that they earn in our family if we go through
the rule of 3 with them. This process of calming them down is something that they're grateful
for. A little while ago, I met with a family who's been implementing teaching-self government
principles and skills in their home. And their 15-year-old son in a special one on one talk
with me said, "You know, Nicholeen, I used to hate the idea of that rule of 3. But then
I realized I actually am the one that gets to pick to be happy and to be calm if I want
to. And now I'm really glad that it's there. Because in that moment right when I'm going
to go out of control because I want to fight and I want a power struggle, I tell myself,
"Wait, you don't have to do that. You can choose to be calm and get understood a different
way by using some of your other self-government skills which are disagreeing appropriately.
She said, "I'm actually grateful for it, Nicholeen because it's my stopping place. That rule
of 3 gives me the place to stop." That mature 15-year-old boy gave an important lesson that
I wish all people could hear. And that is that everyone needs a stopping place and they
need to get there by a person who is leading them toward calmness. Not anger and power
stuggle. That's what the rule of 3 does. The rule of 3 gives you the words and the tools
and the structure that you need to lead yourself and the other person to calmness all at the
same time. Whether you're governing yourself or whether you're trying to teach your child
self-government, you need to know your stopping place. And you need to know how to be calm
on your way to that place. Since you've stayed with me to the end of this video, I know you're
interested in calmness and that free gift that I talked about earlier, the calm parenting
toolkit, there's a link to it in the description below this video. Click that link. It's completely
free for you. And it is going to be the first piece on your road to self-mastery and governing
yourself. It's a full course. It's amazing. I know you're going to love it. And you know
what? If you've love the stuff on this channel, I have stuff that comes out every single day.
You probably might want to subscribe so that you don't miss more detailed information about
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