It is very, very nice of you large, large gentlemen to offer to keep me safe
but, as you can see, I’m in my room.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
So,
you're good to go.
Yeah, but what if you wanna go somewhere else?
I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Sure you wanna take that risk?
I mean, this campus isn’t really safe for a girl alone at night.
Yeah. And we made a vow as Zetas.
“If there’s a hottie, we’ll be on her”.
Sounds chivalrous.
Totally.
Okay, how about this?
If I decide to go wandering down some dark alleyways late at night, you guys’ll be my first call.
Really?
Sure.
Great.
But you know maybe we should just stick around.
You know, just for a little bit.
Wouldn’t wanna let a hottie down.
Okay, please stop saying hottie.
My name is Laura.
I know.
You’re in my Lit class!
You helped me the first day with the book about about the Beobab guy…
You know…
Beowulf?
Whatever.
That’s why I picked you special.
We can, uh, just stick around here for a bit.
And seeing as you like British stuff so much,
I brought stout.
And uh,
some tea.
And, uh, these biscuit things, which I’m pretty sure are just cookies.
And you know, hey, Will could go get us a two-four...
Oh, that’s really not necessary.
And there’s even a movie about the Beobab guy.
But in this one he gets it on with the chick from Tomb Raider.
[Carmilla enters, sees Will]
What the frilly hell is this?
Whoa. We’re your dudescorts, sexy lady.
Here to keep you safe from the things that go bump in the night.
Get the hell out of here before I feed you each other’s spleens.
Whoa, angry hottie.
Angry,
sexy lady.
[To Laura] Why did you let these lackwits in?
Let? What part of this looks like let?
Isn’t this exactly what you wanted when you plastered your little plea for help all over the Internet?
No! And you haven’t even seen my videos.
[imitating Laura] Oh no, Betty’s missing! Oh no, Carmilla’s mean! [back to herself] Am I close?
Spot on. Except the girl playing you is kind of a raging…
bad person.
Okaaaay. Laura and Carm… sexy.
Babes shouldn’t fight.
You know,
unless there’s a kiddie pool full of cream corn somewhere.
[Carmilla hits Kirsch in the stomach; Kirsch doubles over]
Maybe I just don’t enjoy getting hauled in front of the dean because of your ridiculous
[Hits Kirsch]
project.
Oooookay. Truce, truce!
A moratorium on the Betty investigation just long enough to get these fine, upstanding,
young gentlemen stalkers out of our hair, okay?
Alright, deal.
Deal.
[Turns to Kirsch]
Oh, my poor, poor boy.
I’m sorry I have such a terrible temper.
Could you possibly forgive me?
Yeah.
It ain’t no thing.
[Carmillas hand on him]
That tickles.
Well…
Oh look at these.
Such arms,
such shoulders.
The primitive by way of the neoclassical.
Yeah, well. I work out.
I could just eat you alive. [her face is on his neck]
Oh, whoa.
Ah! Biting, biting, biting, oh, ow!
God, what the hell is wrong with you, psycho?
Oh, what? Aren’t you gonna stay and help protect us poor, vulnerable girls?
You bit me.
Dude, she bit me! That is so not cool.
[Kirsch and Will leave]
What? It was barely a nip.
You said you wanted them gone.
Gone.
Not hemorrhaging.
Guess that’s it for the truce, then.
Okay,
I’m sorry everybody got dragged in front of the dean and I’m sorry for the whole town hall fiasco,
but I’m not sorry for posting the videos and I’m not gonna stop.
[Computer pinging repeatedly]
It’s only a matter of time before you get caught.
Are you really willing to risk that for a series that has, what,
three viewers?
[Computer pinging]
What is that? [sits down at computer]
[Computer pinging...a lot]
Yeah.
I don’t think the lack of viewers is gonna be the problem.