Hi, most of you know I’m a psychotherapist and I have a private practice and I work with
couples with relationships, with sexuality. One of the things that I focus a lot on is
re-parenting couples. You might say, “Re-parenting couples, what is that?” Well, re-parenting couples
helps them understand what's normal, what dating an adult looks like because a lot of people
grew up with parents who are not adults. They were extremely emotionally immature.
And the way their children grew up, they were mentored by these emotionally immature people,
these kinds of models. These kinds of behaviors are passed on from generation to generation.
If your parents had a lot of fights, one would leave slamming the door. One used solid
things like silent treatment or passive aggressive ways of behaving, of expressing anger.
Rolling eyes, yelling, screaming. These kinds of tactics do not help when that child grows up to
be an adult and they're looking for a partner of their own. So, if you've been through your
share of getting ghosted, breadcrumbed, stashed, and all sorts of different games from people who
weren't emotionally mature enough to have a relationship. I’m going to go through a list
of what it looks like when you are an adult and you're ready to date. Now, I’m using adult very
very specifically to mean you're emotionally mature enough. You want a committed relationship.
You want someone you can be faithful with. You want someone that you're willing to share a
future, a vision with, that you're going to make compromises for, that you understand
that marriage is about making sacrifices, that the most important thing is keeping the
sacred it's not about what I want or they want. it's what's best for the relationship.
How do you know those things if you've never had a list or you grew up in a family where there
was not a good model? Maybe it was a distant grandparent, but even they had their flaws.
They were passed on to you and you don't want to repeat that. So, I’m just going to go through this
list of what it looks like when you find that kind of person, so you'll be able to better understand.
Should I stay with this person or is this a relationship that I’m trying to take care of
or rescue? And it's never going to work. Okay, the first of these. When you're with someone who's
emotionally mature enough to have a committed relationship, they're willing to talk and share
about who they are. They don't keep secrets and they encourage you to talk and share about
yourself. They ask questions in a way that they're trying to get to know you.
Secondly, they keep their emotions in check. Even when they're with you or someone else,
you observe them and if that person makes them angry or gets them upset, they are in control
of themselves and they don't allow somebody's anger to make them do something rash or
irrational or hurtful to themselves or possibly to you. Next, they want to meet your family.
They want to meet your family and they want you to beat their family and they don't play games about
that. They're like oh my gosh or get all nervous or stand you up the morning that they're supposed
to go. They get excited about it. They want to make a good impression. They want to understand
where you came from and they want the same for them. They want you to be able to introduce them
to your family and they don't hold back from that. They're open about that.
They discuss their values and their views on life. So, you can learn about them as a person,
about what they like, what they dislike, and what they believe in. They think that's very important.
This kind of person is emotionally mature. They understand values are important and they also
want to know what you value. They don't want you to just basically be with them for a ride.
They want a relationship and they're claiming it. They will say it. “I’m ready I want a relationship
I want to commit to someone. I’m willing to make sacrifices.” Those are all the words of emotional
maturity. Those are not the words of somebody that you're going to have to coax into it.
They take their time. They don't meet you and say, “I want to marry you.” or they don't rush
you and then do cold turkey or play ghost on you. They don't play. They're not game players.
They know who they are and they're okay in their own skin. They want you to be okay in your own
skin and if they get skittish, if they see you playing games or doing something that is under
the table or not honest, they're attentive. They know how to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend.
Nothing comes in their way throughout the day that they forget to talk to you, and they don't put
talking to you off until the weekend. They want to check in with you. They love you. They care about
you. What you feel and what you say is important to them. When they're emotionally mature,
they're not putting you. They know where you are. They have you on a high priority.
Yes, they must work, but they want to check in with you too and they don't lose their phones
and they don't misplace their phone or shut it off. They hear you and they will text you back.
If they're doing a job that doesn't allow phones, they will make sure to reach out to you in some
way as soon as they can. They connect daily. That's important to them. Even if it's some
little thing and it doesn't mean you have to talk to them. First, they will find a way even if it's
on their way to work. They will connect with you. “Good morning. I can't wait to see you tonight.”
or “Good morning. Wish I could see you tonight. I’m going to be thinking about you today.” This
is the lingo of someone who is emotionally mature. They can express themselves. They don't see how
they feel as being weak or feminine if they're a guy. They feel that it's human with someone.
How you behave with someone when you love them, and they're cool with it. They listen. They listen
to your intuition. If you have a bad thing, a bad feeling about something, they honor it.
They know you. They want to know you more and if your intuition is important to them,
then it's important to you, then it's going to be important to them and they don't discount it
and they don't talk you out of it. When someone tries to invalidate an intuition. When you rely
on your intuition, then they're saying this part of you is not acceptable. This part of you isn't
important and I have to say as a very intuitive person, my intuition is usually very accurate
and so anyone who would discount it or invalidate it would be making a big mistake as far as being
close to me or validating what I feel and what i think they're honest. If they don't feel what you
feel, they tell you up front. This is so important. They don't string you along.
You don't play games when you're emotionally mature. You accept that telling someone bad news
or news that's going to upset them does not mean that you lie to them or you evade it, or you go
along with it. When you're emotionally mature, you do the hard parts of the relationship too and
that includes telling someone, “I don't feel the way you feel about me.” and “I don't think this
will work.” So, you can relax because you're not going to be lied to or let on and lastly,
they don't squander their finances. Now, why would I put finances in there because finances are
very important especially as a gauge for people who are emotionally mature. Emotionally mature
people have an understanding that what they invest their money in, what they do with their money,
how they save their money is important and if you live over your means, you're going to run into
problems both financial and relationships. So, always better --and I’m giving you the best advice
I can here-- that you're with someone who lives below their means. That means they have a buffer.
That means they can pay for emergencies that come up. That also means that they save their money,
but they're generous with small things that mean a lot to you. They will not skimp on buying dinner.
They will not skimp on buying a gift for the holidays for you. They will not skimp
on small things that mean a lot to you. That's what emotionally mature with your budget
sounds like. So, if you have all these things, you have a gift. You have a wonderfully mature
partner and I would say from here I believe you could work out a wonderful, mature love together.