Do you ever feel that way now?
Like,
given that my depression is really bad
and there are a lot of days
where I feel suicidal.
Definitely.
I'm sorry.
It’s okay.
That kills me because, like,
my biggest thing is, like,
I don't want to be a burden.
It's not a burden, though.
You're someone I love.
I want to do it.
Yeah.
It's only a burden if I don't want to do it.
Yeah.
What's one experience you
wish I never had?
I hate to say it like this.
There's- There's actually quite a few.
Yeah.
Um...
Oh, now I’m tearing up.
Sorry, my experiences, but
I wish...
I wish a lot of adults
were kinder to you as a child.
You were- you sound like a really sweet kid.
And
I'm so sorry that they weren't
kinder to you.
I wish...
I wish you didn't have to question
your existence.
I still worry about whether or not
you will go to that dark place again.
That's why I am a little, like,
hard on you
when you get hard on yourself.
Because, honey, I need you here, and I...
I don't want you to do anything.
And I know that with mental health,
it can just really go down that
spiral.
And so
I, you know,
and I have to really
check myself sometimes
because when you tell me
these stories,
I want to be the Hercules,
and whatever.
And
build a time machine
and go back to these people and be like,
What the fuck is wrong with you?
She's a child.
Yeah. - She's a child. You know?
And I wish I was there
in your darkest moment
to tell:
You belong.
You can take up space.
You're entitled to joy.
You know?
And
I see how you still struggle in general,
especially how
people treated you as a child.
And I see how you've grown
so much in the past three years.
I've seen how much you just
you're such an advocate for these issues,
even if you don't know
exactly how to, like,
plant your feet on the ground
every single day, you still do it.
You still get up.
You know?
What scares
you the most these days that I might-
that I may not be aware of?
I think you're aware of
my biggest fears, and
we talk about it often and
I can't think of anything
scarier than that.
I think mine
it's the same thing.
I know
you're cautious to talk about it
because it's
my story, but
like
I am
absolutely terrified
of losing my fight to depression.
And you know that I'm
scared of that, too.
And that's why I talk about it
so openly with you.
And I'm glad that I can finally do that.
And
not feel...
I don't feel like you're
trying to fix me anymore.
You're just there for me.
Um,
because I think, like, at this point,
there's not really a whole lot that
the people in my life can do
other than just be there
because I want to live,
I want to thrive,
I want to love living life.
And I think you know how badly
I want that and how I fight for that.
And I'm
I'm scared of
dying and people thinking that I didn't
fight for my life
because
I don't know.
I don't know how I'm going to die,
but I'm scared that that would be the way
and that people would assume
that I was dying a selfish death.
Right.
And I love you all so much.
I love you, too.
What are you
hesitant to tell me?
Um.
Um, I guess
one thing is
I don't think I like,
share with you
as much as I should,
like when I'm, like, sad.
I don't know.
I feel like I've been really,
like, depressed and just-
I don't know.
I, like-
I just don't want, like,
people to, like, be worried.
Um, yeah.
And
I don't know, I
just, like.
I feel like I act a lot happier than like
I am the majority of the time.
And I just like, I don't know.
It would be nice
if, like, I
know that I can talk to you about it,
but it's just like this feeling of like,
I don't want to like, talk about it,
but I want to at the same time.
When did we misunderstand each other most
and how did we overcome it?
Misunderstand each other the most?
When you started transitioning,
I think. I think we
when you, you know, told me that,
you know,
when you were starting
to step into and walk into
your quee-
queerness is part of
when we misunderstood each other
the most.
That was life changing for me.
Not only just the death of your father,
but you saying to me, I'm not-
I'm not gonna say you're not normal
because you are normal,
but I'm not the woman that you think I am
or I'm not- I'm
not this feminine that you-
this feminine person
that you think that I am. I'm not that.
So I would say
that would probably be for me.
Yeah. - What about you?
I would agree. I think, like.
Yeah, I think
my queer identity, like my
my perspective on social issues,
like as I evolved,
I think that that became
like I just knew you didn't get it.
But I think
the one thing I'll say
is like also mental health.
Like I think the first time
was actually in eighth grade when I like...
- Oh yeah.
Um, I think that, like,
there were so many cries for help
that I was like,
trying to say, at like 13 and 14
and like,
that just was not in our narrative,
right?
Like mental health
and like depression
and all of these things.
Like
they were seen as like
there's something wrong with you.
Like you're crazy, right?
Like that's even ableist language to use.
But that's how I felt.
And I think that was actually
the first time that I felt misunderstood,
which is like,
I think why I
began to internalize
so much more things that I knew
about myself.
Because that first incident where I like
obviously tried to commit suicide,
like I now know
that you tried to advocate for me.
And you weren’t able to get the resources
that we needed at the time,
but I actually didn't know
that til like two weeks ago.
You never told me.
So in my whole life,
I've just thought like
these people did not care
about the fact that I tried to take
my own life, you know? So
I would say
that’s the other
place that I feel like
you've misunderstood me.
But I think as I've grown as an adult, I
recognize the disparities
around mental health generationally.
And I recognize how
that is not like something
that, like
we grew up with in
our culture,
was to like understand that
like it's okay to struggle
and like there are literal
chemical imbalances,
there are so many other interferences
that are happening. - Right.
And even adding on to that,
just this idea of
like what it means to have to have been
a high achieving child
in a white space like...
Baby,
I've been probably
dealing with mental health issues
since I was seven
and just didn't know it, right?
Because like in many ways,
like I was tokenized.
How are we most similar and how
does that scare you?
I think one way in
which we're similar
that you don't realize as much
is that we both
let anxieties control our lives,
anxieties and fears.
And for you, it's much more apparent
because you have very visible anxiety.
That's like,
I can't do it, I can't do it.
What am I going to do?
Whereas for me
it's much more subtle
and I may not talk about it
or say anything,
but like for example, the college-
submitting the test scores thing
that was like
when I realized
that I had missed the deadline and inside
I freaked out
and I was super anxious, like,
Oh my God, what is Mom going to say?
What are you going to say?
I'm going to not get into colleges.
I just didn't say anything.
I just won't get into these schools,
it's fine.
And she won't find out,
but then when I told you,
you told her anyway.
And then she was mad at me
for not asking her for help. - Right.
Not the fact that I messed up
but the fact that I didn't ask for help.
Yeah.
And I still live that way
a lot of the times, like my laziness,
with a lot of things
where I put things off
to the last minute, that's a lot of times
cause I'm scared of failing.
I'm scared of doing a bad job
or messing up. - Right.
And that dictates
a lot of the way that I live,
even though it doesn't
appear to be fear based, or anxiety based.
And that scares me a little bit because
you struggle a lot with anxiety
like I can clearly see
it is very debilitating for you
and it has been for your whole life.
And so for me,
it's something that I need to
be better at
because it controls
too much of my life, too.
What are you hesitant to ask me?
What am I hesitant to ask you?
I guess I...
I'm hesitant to ask you about... no.
About
when you were younger
and you tried to take your own life.
I want to know, but I
it's a hard question
for me to ask you.
What are you hesitant to tell me?
Like what?
When you have to tell me
what things are you hesitant to tell me?
Anything that's a trigger
for you, for your anxiety and OCD stuff.
Like anything you have to do,
like problems with the house,
like, I
want to, I,
I totally will keep it from you
unless you know about it.
When I, when you first find out about it.
When I do, I can't control it.
But I will not let
you know about a problem until I have-
I have taken it in, got my head around it
and have a resolve planned.
Then I bring you in because
as you know,
the way you are with those things,
I have to manage
the issue and you and I can't do that.
Plus, now we have ________
so I'm managing three things.
So I try to like
hear about from, you know, resolve,
then tell you about it,
which happens usually within hours.
It's not like anything-
So is that like-
do you resent or like a bur-
do you ever get resentful for
that's like another burden
in this relationship?
I've been resentful.
I have.
Because you're working on it.
Uh huh.
I appreciate it.
And I know it's not going to always-
I hope it's
not going to always be that way,
but it's been a lot on me.
So... - Well, are you gonna leave me?
No, obviously not.