WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS OFFICIAL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- AS OF 1230 THIS AFTERNOON, AMERICA IS GETTING A NEW
JURIST GRANDE SUPREME.
THAT MEANS IT COMES WITH A DOLLOP OF SOUR CREAM.
BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT A RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER, SEEN HERE UNDRESSING
YOUR AMICUS BRIEFS WITH HIS EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN INVITED
THE 83-YEAR-OLD JUSTICE TO THE WHITE HOUE TO ANNOUNCE THE
RETIREMENT.
OF COURSE, IT WAS A PARTICULARLY PATRIOTIC EVENT, BECAUSE IF YOU
PUT THEIR AGES TOGETHER, IT ADDS UP TO 1776.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE PRESIDENT TALKED ABOUT HIS LONG HISTORY WITH BREYER.
>> WE WERE JOKING WITH ONE ANOTHER WHEN HE WALKED IN--
DID WE EVER THINK THAT HE WOULD HAVE SERVED DECADES ON THE COURT
AND I'D BE THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES WHEN THE DAY HE
CAME TO RETIRE?
I-- AND HE LOOKED AT IT AND-- I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT I SAID.
I'M JOKING.
( LAUGHTER ) HE HIT THE -- HE HIT THE BEST
PART OF EVERY JOKE, EXTRA WORDS, NO ENERGY AND EXPLAINING IT'S A
JOKE.
I TELL YA -- I TELEYA MOM -- I GOT A -- I UH -- THIS FELLA HERS
FELLA -- I WAS SAYING TO THIS GUY OVER HERE YOUR MOM IS SO FAT
SHE WENT TO CHURCH AND AT THE CHURCH, SHE WAS THERE FOR A
BAPTISM, AND SHE WAS BAPTIZED AND IT WAS AT THE CHURCH AND THE
CHURCH WAS SEAWORLD.
AND I DON'T WANT TELL YOU WHAT SHE SAID, I'M JOKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S QUALITY.
JUSTICE BREYER TALKED ABOUT HOW HE AND HIS WIFE PAID HIS
GRANDCHILDREN TO MEMORIZE ONE OF LINCOLN'S GREATEST SPEECHES.
>> JOANNA PAID EACH OF OUR GRANDCHILDREN A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF MONEY TO MEMORIZE THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
THE REASON-- THE REASON THAT-- THAT-- THAT-- WHAT WE WANT THEM
TO PICK UP, THERE, AND WHAT I WANT THOSE STUDENTS TO PICK UP,
IF I CAN REMEMBER THE FIRST TWO LINES, IS THAT, "FOUR SCORE
AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT UPON...
CREATED THIS COUN...
HEAR THIS A NEW COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BREYER) "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN FATHERS
AGO, OUR...
COUNTRY DID HEED THE-- CALL OF NATURE, AND A TREE
DID FALL IN THE WOODS WITH NO-ONE TO HEAR IT.
WAIT, LET ME START OVER.
FOUR SCORE AND 20 BLACKBIRDS BAKED IN A PIE AGO...
JOANNA, WHERE'S MY FIVE BUCKS?" JOANNA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN FAIRNESS, I THINK JUSTICE
BREYER WAS JUST DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF HOW LINCOLN WOULD
SOUND IF HE'D GIVEN THE SPEECH AFTER THE PLAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: WOW!
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: TOO SOON.
TOO SOON.
>> Jon: AN HISTORICAL FIGURE.
>> Stephen: BREYER'S RETIREMENT MEANS BIDEN
GETS TO APPOINT HIS REPLACEMENT.
AT THE RETIREMENT CEREMONY, BIDEN SPELLED OUT THE EXACT
QUALITIES HE'S LOOKING FOR IN A CANDIDATE:
>> THE PERSON I WILL NOMINATE WILL BE SOMEONE WITH
EXTRAORDINARY QUALIFICATIONS, CHARACTER, EXPERIENCE, AND
INTEGRITY.
AND THAT PERSON WILL BE THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN EVER
NOMINATED TO THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT WAS A MAJOR CAMPAIGN PROMISE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING, THAT'S EXCITING TO HERE.
NOW, BIDEN HASN'T RELEASED ANY NAMES YET, BUT THAT DIDN'T
STOP FOX NEWS FROM SPECULATING YESTERDAY:
>> SO, THIS PERSON HAS TO BE A WOMAN, SHE HAS TO BE BLACK,
AND SHE'S GOT TO BE YOUNGER.
ANYONE THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH KAMALA HARRIS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
>> IT'S A POSSIBILITY.
I THINK SHE'S AT LEAST ON THE SHORT LIST.
I THINK IT'S A THEORY THAT COULD BE CREDIBLE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, ACCORDING TO THEORETICAL SOURCES, THE NAME
THEY YANKED OUT OF THEIR KEISTER COULD BE CREDIBLE.
POSSIBLY.
LET ME CLUE YOU IN, FOX NEWS.
JOE BIDEN IS NOT NOMINATING KAMALA HARRIS.
IT'S A 50-50 SENATE, AND SHE CAN'T VOTE FOR HERSELF.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING: "ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE."
NO, IT ISN'T.
THERE IS NO POSSIBLE UNIVERSE IN WHICH THIS HAPPENS.
THANOS CAN SNAP THAT GLOVE ALL HE WANTS, BUT EVEN THE
INFINITY STONES COULDN'T PUT HER ON THE COURT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DR. STEPHEN STRANGE IS LIKE,
"THE MULTIVERSE CONTAINS AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TIMELINES,
BUT IN ALL OF THEM, YOU'RE AN IDIOT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS SHOW IS NOW IN THE MCU.
THERE ARE SOME NAMES OUT THERE THAT ARE POSSIBILITIES, STARTING
WITH U.S. COURT OF APPEALS JUDGE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON.
JUDGE JACKSON IS A HARVARD GRAD, WHO CLERKED FOR BREYER, AND ALSO
REPLACED MERRICK GARLAND ON THE D.C. CIRCUIT.
SHE MADE HEADLINES IN 2019 WHEN SHE RULED AGAINST THE PREVIOUS
ADMINISTRATION AND WROTE "PRESIDENTS ARE NOT KINGS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOOM!
>> Jon: COME ON!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THOUGH, IT IS EASY
TO CONFUSE OUR FORMER PRESIDENT WITH THE
ROYALS.
HE'S A RACIST WHO'S BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND HIS KIDS
SEEM A LITTLE INBRED.
( APPLAUSE ) JUST A LITTLE INBRED.
ANOTHER POSSIBLE PICK IS CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
LEONDRA KRUGER.
THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT IS EXACTLY LIKE THE U.S. SUPREME
COURT, EXCEPT ALL OF THEIR OPINIONS COME WITH AVOCADO.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S DELICIOUS.
A LITTLE LIME JUICE.
JUSTICE KRUGER IS A YALE LAW SCHOOL GRAD, WHO WAS ACTING
DEPUTY SOLICITOR GENERAL IN THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, AND TWICE
RECEIVED THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL SERVICE,
THE DEPARTMENT'S HIGHEST AWARD FOR EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE.
YES, EVEN HIGHER THAN THE F.B.I.'S CLEAN PLATE CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER POPULAR CONTENDER IS
SOUTH CAROLINA FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT JUDGE J. MICHELLE CHILDS.
I THINK SHE HAS A GOOD CHANCE, BECAUSE THE J. STANDS FOR
JUSTICE.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY.
AND, I'M BEING TOLD IT STANDS FOR JULIANNA.
STILL A LOVELY NAME.
WHICHEVER CANDIDATE BIDEN PICKS, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK
SCHUMER PREDICTED THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS WOULD TAKE
PLACE SWIFTLY AND THAT A BIDEN NOMINEE WILL BE CONFIRMED WITH
"ALL DELIBERATE SPEED."
AND IF CHUCK SCHUMER IS KNOWN FOR ANYTHING, IT'S LIGHTNING
SPEED.
(AS SCHUMER) "WE ARE COMMITTED TO CONFIRMING
THE PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE, BU FIRST -- BUT FIRST --
( APPLAUSE ) -- WHO WANTS CHEESECAKE?
( LAUGHTER ) THE FOOD OF THE RAPID.
USAIN BOLT DOWNS AN ENTIRE JR.'S BEFORE HE RUNS THE 100."
THERE'S SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF DISNEYLAND.
THEY'RE UPDATING THE LOOK OF ONE OF THEIR MAJOR CHARACTERS,
BECAUSE MINNIE MOUSE IS DITCHING HER ICONIC RED DRESS FOR A
PANTSUIT.
UNFORTUNATELY, DONALD DUCK IS STILL RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS
CLOACA OUT.
JUST WAVING IN THE WIND.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL, JON.
>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW.
>> Stephen: SHOCKING CHILDREN.
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MINNIE'S NEW LOOK WILL DEBUT IN
MARCH AT DISNEYLAND PARIS, WHICH IS JUST LIKE REGULAR DISNEYLAND,
ONLY MORE EXISTENTIAL.
( FRENCH MUSIC ) ( APPLAUSE )
(TERRIBLE FRENCH ACCENT) "IT EES A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL,
AND, AN INDIFFERENT ONE.
OH, PLUTO, LOOK AT THE MESS YOU'VE MADE.
EH, LEAVE IT.
DEATH WAITS FOR US ALL.
HA-HA!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FUN LITTLE STORY, AND
YOU'D HAVE TO BE A DESPERATE CULTURE WAR TROLL TO TAKE ISSUE
WITH IT.
WHICH IS WHY FOX NEWS TOOK ISSUE WITH IT.
>> THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTROY THE FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY-- IT
GOES BACK TO WHEN THEY DID THIS WITH THE M&M'S, AND NOW THEY ARE
MAKING HER MORE MASCULINE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THEY'RE MAKING MINNIE TOO MASCULINE.
I THINK SHE SHOULD GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL,
SUPER-FEMININE MINNIE MOUSE: SMOOSHED PUMPKIN WITH A FLOWER
GROWING OUT OF IT.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL HOT STUFF LADY PARTS!
IN LOCAL NEWS NEWS, A KENTUCKY METEOROLOGIST IS GOING VIRAL.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT WHY.
>> IT'S 42 IN BEDFORD.
I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW COLD THIS AIR IS--
(FARTS) IT'S 8 IN DES MOINES, IOWA.
>> STEPHEN: WOW!
DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?
IT'S GOING TO BE EIGHT DEGREES IN DES MOINES!
OH, AND ALSO, YES, THAT MAN PAUSED, PINNED THE CAMERA, AND
PASSED GAS THAT WAS EVIDENTLY SO POWERFUL THAT IT LIFTED HIM
OFF THE GROUND.
I'M NOT IMAGINING THAT, RIGHT?
IT ACTUALLY PROPELLED HIM OUT OF HIS FLOOR SHIMS.
THE VIDEO'S HAS BEEN CROPDUSTING THE INTERNET EVER SINCE SOMEONE
POSTED IT ON TWITTER, AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING THEIR JOLLIES AT
THIS GUY'S EXPENSE.
HA-HA.
IT IS TO LAUGH.
BUT I'M NOT LAUGHING.
EVERYBODY FARTS.
AND ANYONE WHO WATCHES THE NEWS KNOWS IT'S AN UNRELENTING PARADE
OF DREAD.
BUT THIS BRAVE WEATHERMAN STEPPED FORWARD TO CUT THE
TENSION, AND WITH THE WIND AT HIS BACK, GAVE US ALL A BREATH
OF FRESH AIR.
THEIR, SIR!
AND HE'S NOT THE FIRST PATRIOTIC JOURNALIST WHO BROKE MORE THAN
JUST NEWS, JIM!
>> AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS, FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 1981.
THIS HAS BEEN "CBS EVENING NEWS" WITH WALTER CRONKITE.
(LONG FART) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ANYBODY -- THAT HAPPENED.
THAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S ARCHIVE FOOTAGE.
THAT HAPPENED.
ANYBODY HERE HAVE KIDS?
IF SO, I HOPE THEY'RE ASLEEP, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO SHOW A
PICTURE OF WISCONSIN SENATOR AND NATURAL CAVE FORMED AFTER
MILLIONS OF YEARS OF LIMESTONE EROSION, RON JOHNSON.
THIS WEEK, JOHNSON GAVE AN INTERVIEW WHERE HE EXPLAINED WHY
HE OPPOSED THE CHILDCARE SUBSIDY FOR WORKING PARENTS:
>> PEOPLE DECIDE TO HAVE FAMILIES AND BECOME PARENTS.
THAT'S SOMETHING THEY NEED TO CONSIDER WHEN THEY MAKE THAT
CHOICE.
I'VE NEVER REALLY FELT IT WAS SOCIETY'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE
CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT'S NEVER BEEN SOCIETY'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE
CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
THAT'S WHY, WHEN A SHIP IS SINKING, EVERYONE SAYS "WOMEN
AND CHILDREN FIRST.
UNLESS THEY'RE NOT MY KIDS.
IN THAT CASE, LET'S LASH THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE A RAFT!"
OKAY, I'VE GOT TO POINT OUT THAT CHILDREN GROW UP TO BE
PEOPLE, AND A RECENT STUDY CONFIRMED THAT CASH AID TO
POOR MOTHERS INCREASES BRAIN ACTIVITY IN BABIES.
SO, QUICK!
SOMEONE SEND SOME MONEY TO RON JOHNSON'S MOTHER, AND PRAY
THAT IT WORKS RETROACTIVELY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHNSON DOUBLED DOWN ON HIS
TOUGH-ON-BABIES STANCE YESTERDAY, TWEETING:
"THE LEFT WANTS THE GOVERNMENT TO RUN THE FAMILY.
I BELIEVE THE PARENTS DO."
IT'S TRUE.
JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN RON JOHNSON'S CAMPAIGN THEME SONG.
( TO THE TUNE OF "GREATEST LOVE OF ALL" )
( CHEERING ) ♪ I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE A
MY GUESTS ARE KATE AND OLIVER HUDSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, AN UPDATE
ON MATT GAETZ-GATE!
STICK AROUND!