Anyway, it's September.
And you know what that means.
It's time to start talking about Christmas
[APPLAUSE]
You're excited about that.
I'm so glad you're excited about that.
[LAUGHING]
To most people, it's stressful.
But for you, it's very exciting.
I bring it up because--
I don't know if you heard--
Amazon is announcing they are selling 7-foot Christmas trees.
Real Christmas trees.
Amazon.
[LAUGHING]
So years from now, families can reminisce
about the beautiful tradition where
they'd gather around together and say,
"Alexa, buy me a tree."
[LAUGHING]
It's always fun to go pick out a tree.
That's part of it.
Anyway, it got me thinking how much shopping has changed
over the years, because in the old days, there was like,
a general store.
It was just a general store.
And that's where you'd go to buy-- nothing specific.
You just, generally speaking, needed stuff.
And it was kind of awkward, because everything
was in that store.
So you'd go.
And I'm looking for some baby formula and moonshine
and a thong.
[LAUGHING]
So different stores popped up after that.
They had the five and dimes and Woolworth's.
And eventually, someone invented the mall.
I believe it was Jebediah Cinnabon.
[LAUGHING]
That was his name.
And for the first time, we had stores to choose from.
And seniors finally had a place to walk--
get their steps in.
So that was good.
[LAUGHING]
And, kids, you won't believe this.
But many years ago, the only way to buy something
was to go to a store.
[LAUGHING]
But then, Al Gore invented the internet.
And now, you can shop in the comfort of your own home.
And I'm not saying you should do it,
but it's fun getting packages that you
don't remember ordering.
[LAUGHING]
Who got me a telescope?
Oh, that was me.
I was drunk.
I don't know.
[LAUGHING]
But even online shopping is much, much too hard
for some people.
So now there are personal shoppers.
And here's what they do.
Well, you fill out a questionnaire,
then they send you stuff.
And you keep what you want, and you send back the rest.
And of course, if you're too lazy to shop,
you're probably too lazy to send it back.
So that's how they get you.
[LAUGHING]
Anyway, I thought I would like to be someone's
personal shopper today.
And I was just watching you before the show started in.
And I'm going to help somebody.
And not to say you need anything.
[LAUGHING]
It's not because of what you're wearing.
But, young lady, you, right here.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, hi.
Hello.
I like what you have on.
So it's got nothing to do with that.
Thank you.
Why are you backing away from me?
[LAUGHING]
Come stand here.
Hi.
First of all, let me learn about you,
because you were just supposed to fill out a questionnaire.
[LAUGHING]
Let's just keep going back and forth like this
and then back like this while we talk.
It's like we're dancing almost.
Yes.
So what is your name?
I'm Dara [? Dextrace. ?]
Hi, Dara.
Hello.
[? Dextrace? ?]
Yes.
That's a good name.
Thanks.
And where do you live?
I live in California, northern California.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, don't get too specific.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah.
All right.
And then, OK, let me ask you some more questions.
You keep, here--
I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING]
What do you do for a living?
I was a teacher.
And I am a stay-at-home mom now.
Right, because you kept backing away.
That's why.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Probably.
Yes.
So, OK, kids, today you are going to learn this.
And then but before you knew it, you were gone.
And you thought you were fired, but you actually
just walked away.
[LAUGHING]
All right, I'm going to ask you some things about shopping.
When you wear things, what do you
like to accentuate the most?
Your arms, your legs, your badonkadonk?
Well, lately, it's my waist.
Uh-huh.
High rise jeans, mom jeans, I guess,
are my favorite right now.
OK, great, OK.
Yeah.
And do you like clothes that are stylish?
Yes, I do.
OK, so you'd prefer stylish over not stylish.
Of course.
OK, would you prefer comfortable clothes
or not comfortable clothes?
Comfortable, comfortable.
Now, would you prefer something that's
reasonably priced or way too expensive?
Expensive-- just kidding, no.
Very affordable, right now.
Very affordable.
Yeah, OK, good.
All right, I have just the thing for you.
And you're going to really, really like this.
OK.
So I have a new line called EV1.
It stands for "everyone."
And it's available at Walmart.
And you're going to love my t-shirts.
There's cute t-shirts.
There's cute jeans.
There are the denims that you're talking about.
There we go.
And then also like, this jacket I'm wearing.
This is my jacket.
[APPLAUSE]
See?
It's gorgeous.
I love it.
OK, so they are everything.
They're stylish, comfortable, affordable, all that stuff.
And here's $1,000--
[APPLAUSE]
What?
Are you kidding?
--to go shopping.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
I appreciate that.
All right, now you can back to your seat.
And I want everybody here to look stylish and be comfortable
as well.
So you're all getting a $150 gift card for Walmart.
You're welcome.
[APPLAUSE]